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Was I raped?

(17 Posts)
Namechangedxyz Thu 12-Oct-17 12:44:39

All the despicable Henry Weinstein news has been playing on my mind and I think I need to get this out.

When I was 20, I worked in a grotty little pub for a landlord in his 50s. The interview process was a load of girls sat in a room, he didn't ask us any questions, he just seemed to choose two of us based on our appearance. I mean he literally just asked us to write our names on a piece of paper then leave. Anyway, I got the job along with another girl.

A week into working there he told me he took all new recruits on a night out which involved challenges. My memory of the night is hazy but he made me drink a lot of shots. I was horribly drunk.

The next thing I remember is waking up, in a room above the pub, and he was on top of me, having sex with me. I was definitely passed out. That's rape. No question. What I can't make sense of in my mind is that I then pretended to enjoy it. I don't know why. Maybe because I didn't want to be raped? I didn't enjoy it. I didn't want it. But why didn't I stop him? Does that "undo" the rape element?

I've only told one person. Who unfortunately was my now exdp. His response was to walk away from me (we were in a bar). He actually left the bar and I had to run after him. He never ever mentioned it again but the next day vaguely apologised (without mentioning the incident) for behaving badly.

The other thing I can't make sense of is that I don't feel bad about it. I can very easily push it to the back of my mind. However. I've recently been having a lot of casual sex and I feel really bad about myself. I'm wondering if I do have unresolved feelings about this after all and I'm lying to myself?

I'm really confused. I don't even know why I've written this.

Namechangedxyz Thu 12-Oct-17 12:47:54

Sorry. I should say that this happened 15 years ago.

Ijustlovefood Thu 12-Oct-17 12:50:48

You poor thing and what an utter sleaze ball. Sorry it happened to you and yes it was rape.

OhShit2017 Thu 12-Oct-17 12:52:16

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me. I think in my case, it was a survival thing, I wasn’t assertive enough not to go along with it once I woke up and realised what was going on. It seemed safer to go along with it than tell him to stop, because he could have reacted really badly and I was in the middle of nowhere. It was still rape, though I’ve only recently really admitted that to myself and it was 8 years ago.

Changebagsandgladrags Thu 12-Oct-17 12:52:16

Yes it's rape.

Pretending to enjoy it was a coping mechanism. It's something I struggled with for years. You even convince yourself that you like it.

The not stopping it doesn't undo the rape element. You didn't ask for sex or agree to sex and he had got you to a state where you couldn't even consent.

It's rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

The casual sex thing is also quite common. I think it's us trying to gain some control while also telling ourselves sex is nothing and we don't care.

Shoxfordian Thu 12-Oct-17 12:56:50

Yes he raped you and your ex acted like a twat

Maybe calling Rape Crisis would help flowers

HerOtherHalf Thu 12-Oct-17 12:59:53

Yes, you were raped, beyond any doubt. How you reacted does not change that. In many cases it's not always fight or flight that kicks in but other survival strategies such as freeze, appease, comply etc. Whilst on the surface you do not appear to be overly traumatised, our minds are very complex and the fact you have questions and doubts suggests you do still have unresolved issues, quite understandably. I think you should seriously consider some form of counselling. Perhaps contact one of the rape support charities and let them help you.

eyebrowsonfleek Thu 12-Oct-17 13:01:35

It was definitely rape. I have heard that pretending to enjoy it is a way to stop the rapist turning physically violent.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 12-Oct-17 13:03:44

I 2nd calling rape crisis.
This kind of thing takes it toll and will be having an affect on you.
They can help with local specialist therapists etc....
Please call them.

rosareine Thu 12-Oct-17 13:05:21

It was definitely rape, and your response to waking up in that situation is not uncommon. Please give rape crisis a call to talk through your feelings.

category12 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:48:27

medium.com/the-nib/trigger-warning-breakfast-c6cdeec070e6

It's not unusual to try to placate and normalise.

mindutopia Thu 12-Oct-17 14:00:33

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I would say, first, yes, I think it is rape, which you know of course. And also I think you're reaction was very much a normal one and exactly how most would react in that situation. I've been in very much a similar situation (though was with a date, not an employer) and your mind will do weird things at the time just to get you through it. It's also completely normal to not really process it or to have it pop up in other places in life that seem totally disconnected to the original assault. For me at the time, I immediately had a lot of anxiety and panic attacks about very simple things. They weren't obviously connected, like they weren't necessarily connected to men or worry about it happening again, just weird things that on the surface seemed unrelated. In a completely separate incident (this occurred when I was in my 20s after a night out), I had some memories re-surface somewhat recently that lead me to believe I was possibly sexually abused by a neighbour as a child. But how it popped back up for me (now 30 years later) was when my dd started to potty train. I became really anxious about contagion, about her touching anything in toilets, and particularly about her using unisex toilets that men might have used before us, that she would somehow come in contact with anything dirty from these men (urine, semen, god knows what). It seemed totally unrelated, but it really wasn't until I started to really process what I think might have happened to me that it all made sense. I feel much better about it all now that I realise that it is all connected and that actually it's all a very normal way to feel too.

Please consider getting some counseling. You can speak to a rape crisis centre. Even just one session (that was all I had) with a specialist counselor might be enough. It really helped me.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 12-Oct-17 14:08:50

Please please seek support from rape crisis. The work they do is amazing. flowers

beyondworriedmum Thu 12-Oct-17 14:46:26

So sorry to hear of this OP please contact Rape Crises they offer fantastic support 💐

ElsaMars Thu 12-Oct-17 14:48:21

So sorry thst happened to you. Hope I'm not hijacking the thread here but can I ask about my scenario? I had a male friend, who I had previously kissed. We went to a family party and walked home.

I was very drunk and vaguely recall kissing him. The next day, to cut a long story short, i phoned him and he told me we'd had sex.

I honestly had no idea but afterwards found stains on my trousers, so think it was true. When he told me, I grabbed a knife and said if I see him I would kill him - I was in absolute shock (I was 17 at the time) friendship fizzled after that but I was still polite.

What was that? Felt like my fault.

beyondworriedmum Thu 12-Oct-17 15:55:43

Elsamars it is rape your were intoxicated and therefore unable to give consent! Please contact Rape Crises and get advise they offer email support as well as by telephone and face to face 💐xx

GalaVanting Thu 12-Oct-17 19:42:33

Namechanged - we have different responses to threatening situations and they’re all designed to get us out alive. Our brains are pretty clever! So there’s fright or flight which most people have heard of, but there’s another called “fawn”. So pretending to like it/go along with it is your instinctual brain responding to a situation it realised it couldn’t run from, it couldn’t fight because that could have made it more dangerous and so it ”fawned” by not making him angry. This is totally outwith the everyday “thinking” part of your brain (that often gets turned off in emergencies, because time spent weighing the options is time wasted).

So you did nothing wrong at all. Your brain responded quickly, whilst intoxicated too, in a way to save you.

In terms of not feeling bad about it, you genuinely might not, and that’s good in that who wants to feel bad?! Equally, your brain may have blocked out some of what was happening, some of what you were really feeling because it was too overwhelmed by it, again to save you, but this time from an emotional pain. If it’s this then there’s real and good help available (rape crisis a good place) and you can get through it with help.

He was a disgusting pig and you didn’t deserve what he did.

PS I’m not a professional, just read about the brain.

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