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Want to get clarity on something that happened over 20 years ago

(22 Posts)
karmachicken Thu 12-Oct-17 11:45:48

I know this sounds strange but I wanted to get an opinion of something that happened to me when I was about 18. It's something that has simmered in the back of my mind for many years and I think I have suppressed it in a way but have recently been thinking about it more and more.

I told my then boyfriend that I had a "rape" sexual fantasy. Obviously I have to emphasise that it was just a fantasy and I always assumed that any fantasy acted out during sex would need to be consensual.

One day I went over to his house and as I entered he pulled me into a room, pinned me down and started ripping off my trousers and underwear. I can't remember much of what happened next except that I was screaming and crying for him to stop but I couldn't physically break free as I am tiny and he was much larger. He eventually stopped and said that I should never talk about having rape fantasies and this was punishment for it. I am pretty sure he didn't have sex with me although I may have blocked some of it out although I think he did touch me sexually. I felt humiliated, angry and shocked.

He was always a very emotionally controlling person but had never done anything that physical before.

After we split up I put it to the back of my mind (we only split about a year after the incident) and at the time I had no awareness of what this event meant but it obviously traumatised me as I trusted and loved him. He never really apologised for it and I suppose I accepted that I was somehow at fault for having this fantasy. I have not spoken to him in many years.

I wondered how other people would perceive such an act today with the increase in awareness of what is and what is not sexually acceptable in a relationship because I don't think I can think about it rationally.

HatieCockpins Thu 12-Oct-17 11:49:45

It was not your fault at all. Not acceptable then or now. What a horrible man. So sorry you're having to deal with this.

CoyoteCafe Thu 12-Oct-17 11:53:04

I think most people would consider him a twisted f*ck.

Our fantasies are Our Fantasies, and we are always in control of what happens, even when part of the fantasy is about not having control. That's really different than someone taking all our power away. What he did was take your power away from you to prove his own point and control what you could talk about. Ick.

It sounds like he sexually assaulted you. Not rape, which includes penetration, but still it was an assault and it was sexual.

I'm sorry you had that experience. I think that a normal guy might smile and offer to work that in, to play a game. Or to be really confused and ask you questions.

AshleySilver Thu 12-Oct-17 11:56:04

Sorry that happened to you flowers His behaviour was not acceptable in any way.

He had no right to 'punish' you for anything or to tell you what or what not to say.

When I was a teen I put up with stuff that I would not accept now. I though that's just how men are. But the truth is that all men are not rapists or abusers.

Brahms3rdracket Thu 12-Oct-17 11:59:28

That's dreadful op. You confided a very personal fantasy and he abused you using that against you. I'm very sorry that happened to you flowers

It's very confusing when you're young and starting to get involved with men/boys. It's taken me nearly 30 years to accept that when i said no to the second boy i had sex with it wasn't my fault he carried on. I thought it was my fault as i didn't fight him off, he was really popular at school and everyone would side with him, not me. In all honesty i don't think i fully accept it was rape still

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder Thu 12-Oct-17 12:01:16

The incident sounds to me like he was trying to play along with your fantasy, and if you didn't have sex it's likely it wasn't something he was into and didn't get aroused.

Whether it was an assault or not would very much depend on the conversation about the fantasy, and what happened after the incident.

kateclarke Thu 12-Oct-17 12:40:15

I really disagree scruffy, he sounds abusive and dangerous and the op was not at fault at all.

StormTreader Thu 12-Oct-17 12:48:28

There is a HUGE difference between roleplay of a thing, and the actual thing.

53rdWay Thu 12-Oct-17 12:49:07

what the hell, Scruffy? She says what happened after - he told her it was “punishment” for talking about a fantasy! In what world is that just him trying to play along? And if you think that not having sex means he didn’t get anything out of it so must therefore have been acting altruistically, I don’t even know what to tell you.

OP I’m so sorry you went through that. What an awful experience. It sounds like part of a wider pattern of abuse from him, and I would absolutely call it assault.

WellThisIsShit Thu 12-Oct-17 12:56:45

No one is that stupid, to pretend they have a right to really rape someone just because that someone has talked about a fantasy. Emphasis being on the word fantasy here, which means something untrue, something made up and pretend.

What a sicko. To turn it back on you and say it's some kind of sick punishment. Ugh. Foul.

You poor thing, sounds horrible, no wonder you are traumatized by it.

Add to that the fact that he did this awful thing to you, and yet you stayed with him for another year, and o think there was something very wrong about that relationship.

flowers

Shoxfordian Thu 12-Oct-17 12:58:06

He was abusive and sounds like a really horrible partner

I hope he is your ex

Shoxfordian Thu 12-Oct-17 12:58:25

Sorry saw he is your ex
Good

karmachicken Thu 12-Oct-17 13:20:04

Yes he is very much my ex and I haven't seen/spoken to him in years. I am happily married now to a sweet guy who would never harm me and is kind and loving.

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder Thu 12-Oct-17 16:57:32

I didn't read it like that - the punishment reference struck me as part of the incident, not a separate thing. I can't tell from the op, but it could be read either way.

CoyoteCafe Thu 12-Oct-17 17:36:13

Scuffy, I think you have a misunderstanding of how dominance play works. There is always a safe word, it MUST be followed. The submissive partner has all the power because they decide where the line is. It is ALWAYS consensual.

There is a difference between dominance play and just assaulting someone. A big difference. There's no way to misread the OP and think that it was OK.

karmachicken Thu 12-Oct-17 17:39:27

Scruffy, he wasn't playing along. He literally dragged me in after answering the door and pinned me down very aggressively and there was no point where he asked me if I liked it or consented, I was like a ragdoll fighting him off and crying and screaming for him to stop. He made it very clear afterwards that he had done it to punish me and that these kind of independent thoughts were not allowed - he wanted to control me totally. This was typical of his emotional abuse. He did all sorts of things while we were together - distanced me from my friends, told me he hated my family and wouldn't let them near any future children, didn't want me to wear make up etc.

Whisky2014 Thu 12-Oct-17 17:51:44

I'm kind of with scruffy. I mean, yes, fantasies are in our head. You told him. You told him you think it's hot thinking of being raped. To me, he saw that as a green light to rape you. Probably thinking you would enjoy it since you were going out with him and not really seeing it as rape per se.
Now, I think he is a fucking idiot but at the same time, do you think he would have done this if you hadn't voiced your fantasy of being raped? I just don't know.

I remember telling my ex boyfriend I fantasise about threesomes. Not long after that I noticed our male flatmate acting weird. Only later did I find out my ex had asked this gup to be a part of a three some. There's no way I'd want to shag that guy and I don't really want a three some. Buthe I think I brought it on myself by telling me ex my fantasy.

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder Thu 12-Oct-17 18:07:51

@Karma
I'm sorry you experienced that. Your latest post makes it much clearer (to me at least) but there was no malice in my post - I just read your op that way.

@Coyote I understand your points, but disagree - for two "novices" (not that the Karma was even that) there might not even be the thought of a safeword.

karmachicken Thu 12-Oct-17 18:09:26

Whisky - Nope. He was sexually very dominating and I once woke up to find him trying to have sex with me. When I told him about the rape fantasy I made it clear that it was a fantasy and I never wanted to be raped. I trusted him that he would understand what a fantasy is and how it is different from the real thing. If we had been having sex and he suggested we play out a rape fantasy with my consent that would be different but I literally walked in after a long journey to his house and he didn't say anything, just pulled me inside. I didn't consent and it wasn't a joke or him trying to turn me on. It was very aggressive and even when I was saying no he didn't stop straight away. Even if he thought my crying and screaming was part of me going along with it, he could have asked if I was alright and if I wanted to continue with the "fantasy" but he never did. He KNEW what he was doing.

Whisky2014 Thu 12-Oct-17 18:12:02

Ok, so you have your answer. Are you going to report him or stay silent?

Sorry it happened to you.

CoyoteCafe Thu 12-Oct-17 18:25:26

disagree - for two "novices" (not that the Karma was even that) there might not even be the thought of a safeword

Well, if your partner is screaming and freaking out, then usually one would check in to insure that it is all still a fun game.

Unless one is a twisted f*ck.

And if one is just a novice, why would they then tell their partner is was a punishment instead of being concerned about they fact that they had actually scared them?

It was an assault. You can't excuse it because he didn't know about "safe words." Normal human beings try not to actually hurt, humiliate, and/or frighten their sexual partners, even those that enjoy pushing the boundaries about where the line is.

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder Thu 12-Oct-17 21:47:25

More information is slowly coming out, but based on what was said when I posted my comments are valid.

I'm not excusing anything. What the OP is now saying is inexcusable.

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