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Brother cheated on his doting girlfriend - torn

(96 Posts)
PhelanGood Thu 12-Oct-17 10:50:35

My brother's lady is an absolute sweetheart. They've been together about a year. She is stunningly beautiful, kind, caring, cooks for him all the time and has taken on his son as her own - but she does have issues with low self esteem.
As for my brother, he is a good guy deep down, intelligent and creative, girls go crazy for him but he has always been a bit of a player. He acts quite emotionally abusive towards her (and all women) and I have told her before not to put up with this but she is so understanding she believes it's his issues causing it, so is forgiving. However I don't see her super often as I don't see him much.

Last time I saw him he was ranting about how he has dated better looking girls than her (she is early thirties, naturally pretty, he usually dates younger girls who are fake tanned/caked in make up) and he seemed really concerned that his friends weren't so impressed with her as they were with his exes. I told him where to get off with that attitude and said he should be grateful, she is the best woman any man could wish for. Inside and out.

However have just found out that not only has he been dating around behind her back, but also he has now cheated on her. She is serious about him and goes out of her way to please him - plus she is at an age where she is thinking about having kids.

I am completely torn, on one hand it isn't my place to tell her, I only see them about once a month and she would likely just stay with him regardless and talk it through as she adores him. But as a fellow woman I feel she has a right to know he has not been loyal to her, and possibly is even putting her health at risk.

What the hell do I do? Speak to my brother and tell him if he doesn't come clean or seriously change his behaviour, I will alert her? Or just stay out of the whole thing? Never been in this position and I feel sick.

Nancy91 Thu 12-Oct-17 10:51:48

Stay out of it! Blood is thicker than water.

PhelanGood Thu 12-Oct-17 10:54:35

Thank you Nancy - that is true. We should always feel free to open up to our siblings without repercussions I guess. She's just so damn lovely sad

MorrisZapp Thu 12-Oct-17 10:55:30

Stay out. She knows your brother intimately, she knows he's emotionally abusive and a player. But she prefers to stay with him for her own reasons. She won't thank you for anything you tell her, in fact they may well close ranks and you'll see much less of them in the future.

futurefakingfornow Thu 12-Oct-17 10:56:52

No it isn't (or it shouldn't be in some cases)!

If my brother was such a disgusting selfish misogynist, I wouldn't want to know him anymore. What a turd.

Poor girl will find out soon enough. I'd back her up when she does as your brother is hardly likely to ever have your back if it ever happens to you one day. Fuck him.

Nancy91 Thu 12-Oct-17 10:57:09

I know it's hard to see him treating her badly but I don't think he would trust you again after that. If (when) she finds out I would let her know that you know it wasn't her fault and you're still there if she wants to talk.

ShatnersWig Thu 12-Oct-17 10:57:29

Your brother is not a good guy deep down but a total shit.

I can understand your dilemma and while I get why people say stay out of it, I'd personally find that hard to do. I at the very least would let him know you think he's a total shit.

ShatnersWig Thu 12-Oct-17 11:02:14

Nancy Blood is thicker than water.

I hate that saying. If you have a family member who is an absolute wanker, or abuses you, or abused children, I don't think that would come into play. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you have to automatically accept their behaviour regardless of their impact on your or other people.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Thu 12-Oct-17 11:04:49

Your brother is NOT a good guy deep down! He's a nasty abusive cunt! How you can actually say he's good or nice is beyond me, brother or not shock

His girlfriend clearly has cripplingly low self esteem and your brother is probably the latest in a line of partners to have treated her badly so telling her what he's up to is probably a waste of time as she will make excuses for him. By all means tell her though. If your nasty bastard brother stops speaking to you as a result so much the better.

abbsisspartacus Thu 12-Oct-17 11:04:54

Tell him he is a prize prick

Tell her too I couldn't stand anyone to be treated like that family or not

Trailedanderror Thu 12-Oct-17 11:06:11

Blood is thicker than water is at best a weird and at worse a downright stupid theory.

Mama234 Thu 12-Oct-17 11:09:01

What an arsehole, tell him to tell her.

MagicFajita Thu 12-Oct-17 11:09:59

Tell him that you do not wish to hear about his sordid crap and that he's an arsehole.

Then please keep out of it.

I was in a similar situation and have very little contact with the family member that put me in this position now.

Their partner forgave them when they found out by the way , so I'd have ended up the bad guy if I'd said anything.

PhelanGood Thu 12-Oct-17 11:11:10

@futurefaking - I barely speak to him anyway as it is! He betrayed me five years ago, trying to help my mum kidnap my child due to a violent ex who crucially, they both knew, was out of the picture, but they saw an opportunity as I'd asked them to watch him while my baby was ill in hospital. He stood against me in court, and both lied and tried to slander my character, but they lost the case and my son was safely returned.

So I don't have a great amount of loyalty to him, we are civil when we see each other at family events. However he's still my little brother. I don't want to betray him the way he did me. Really appreciate the advice above that she already knows what he's like and chooses to's reassuring. I will certainly be avoiding family events for a while though as if he or she asks my advice like last time, I will have trouble being two faced and holding my tongue.

Best option is probably a txt to him saying what I think, how it's not what she deserves and so on... without any threats etc. It is not my place.

ShatnersWig Thu 12-Oct-17 11:12:53


You said he was a good guy deep down and now you tell us he betrayed you trying to help your mum kidnap your child????


Fuck that shit. In light of this, get your head out of your arse, realize your brother is an arsehole of the first order, go no contact with him and tell his girlfriend.


MorrisZapp Thu 12-Oct-17 11:13:16

My brother is a relationship disaster on wheels but we all stay well out, especially as there are kids involved.

MorrisZapp Thu 12-Oct-17 11:15:04

Scratch that. This thread is either made up or your brother is a viciously nasty individual who you'd be negligent in having anything to do with ever again. What the fuck is the possible dilemma.

PhelanGood Thu 12-Oct-17 11:15:11

@magicfajita - it wasn't him who told me he cheated, it was my sister and another friend confirmed it. However I'm sure he would tell me if I saw him as he loves boasting about his conquests. Everyone seems to know except his girlfriend. Thanks so much for advice and I'm sorry you found yourself in a similar position.

karalime Thu 12-Oct-17 11:15:43

The saying blood is thicker than water doesn't mean what you think it means. It's the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, ie. the bond of soldiers in battle is stronger than mere genetics.

Ie. Just because someone is related to you it doesn't mean you have to put up with them being a twat.

PhelanGood Thu 12-Oct-17 11:18:33

Seriously to God this is all true. I don't speak with my mother any more but I eventually forgave my brother as he is younger than me, he sincerely apologised when it was over, and I think he was only going along with it to support my mum who is a controlling horrible person. Our dad died three years ago and it brought us all together again.

Nanny0gg Thu 12-Oct-17 11:23:26

He isn't nice and he isn't kind.

Why would you watch someone you're fond of (the girlfriend) potentially ruin her life over this pig?

Doesn't matter that he is your brother. He needs a wake-up call and you never know, this could be it.

MargoLovebutter Thu 12-Oct-17 11:23:51

Wow, lots of fuckedupness here. Your brother has issues.

I would stay out of this situation. You can't fix it & if your brother is mad enough to try and kidnap your own child, who knows what he'd do if you get involved with this one.

I would not get involved. Avoid the girlfriend and avoid the brother and as many family social events as you can for now.

sparechange Thu 12-Oct-17 11:24:25

Stay out of it! Blood is thicker than water

Is it bollocks! Someone doesn't get a free pass on being a twat just because they share a bit more DNA

He sounds like a horrific human being, and that poor girlfriend deserves better than him, and better than being made a mug off while the rest of the world knows what he has been up to.

It doesn't sound like your relationship with him can get any worse, so I would find a gentle way of telling her he isn't that into her, and help her on her way to a better life away from him

Fattychan123 Thu 12-Oct-17 11:25:57


She will get pregnant then find out for herself and be a single mum.

She already has low self esteem so the longer it goes on the harder it will hit her.

tocas Thu 12-Oct-17 11:26:46

Agree with PPs here - stay out of it, it will sort itself out.

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