Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Be honest - what are my chances of meeting someone?

(12 Posts)
Spooladot Wed 11-Oct-17 23:29:57

Ok, so I'm 46, a single mum, and my son is age 6. I've been separated for 3 years and I would like to meet someone - but it's just not happening.

In the past 12 months, I've been on numerous first dates, mainly all OLD, but absolutely nothing has stuck. This is mainly down to me, as I haven't just found the men appealing enough.

I had a brief but lovely fling with one guy last Xmas, we totally clicked but he was going through an awful divorce (nothing to do with me), and he didn't want a big relationship. He also had older children in their teens and I suspect he was wary about getting involved with someone with a youngish child. Fair enough. So that was that. We've stayed friends though, and go out together around once a month which I'm happy about as I'm also keen to build up friends (I didn't know anyone in the city I now live in when I moved here 2 years ago).

Apart from that, in the past year, I've had a disastrous infatuation with a married colleague, who I totally fell for but nothing really happened (I turned him down for an affair). He's now separated from his wife (again, not connected to me!) but he is seeing a work colleague of mine, which has been hard to swallow. I still like him but have had to accept that it's just not going to happen between him and I. This has been hard to accept!

I'm beginning to give up hope but - surely - at 46, that's not it?!

Problem seems to be partly down to me - I like educated, funny men (with a full head of hair, sorry, shallow) who've seen a bit of life, travelled, with a decent job, who have kids, and this type doesn't seem to exist where I'm based! Every time I go to London for work and check out Tinder, I'm amazed at how many appealing (on the face of it, at least) me there are - but not where I live!

On the other side of the coin, I worry I'm too old, and have the big responsibility of a fairly young child. Most men my age who are divorced have older kids, and don't want to go 'backwards'.

When I look at dating sites, it's the late forties age bracket that seems to be the lowest in supply.

Do I need to accept that it's unlikely to happen?

Emilybrontescorsett Wed 11-Oct-17 23:35:04

Hi op
I think it's a numbers game.
The more men you chat to the Mrs likely you are to meet up.
The more meet ups you have, the more likely you are to eventually connect with someone.
There are lots of single men your age.
Perhaps look for someone slightly younger so as to reduce the chances of them having teenagers.

Breadwithgarlicon Wed 11-Oct-17 23:42:09

Hi OP! You might not like my reply but I honestly think it's all about attitude and positive thinking. I'm convinced that we get back what we put out there and that if you don't think you're going to meet someone, you're a lot less likely to.

OF COURSE you can meet someone!!!

There are literally millions of men out there and you only need one!!!

Start believing this and you'll be on your way.

Spooladot Wed 11-Oct-17 23:53:06

Thanks Emily and Bread (sorry, not sure how to bold). Yes, I'm sure you're both right, it is a numbers game and having the right attitude definitely does help, no doubt. It's just that there seem to be so few options. I'm quite a determined person and generally chuck myself into things with gusto, but my energy is running out. Honestly, if there were great men to go out with, I'd happily book a sitter and go for it - I've done this so many times! - but there just isn't the choice and that's that. It's grim! I've tried widening my search, widening the age parameters, trying to get over the hair thing ( really find baldness unattractive, bad luck for me really as so many men seem to lose their hair post 40! I know that makes me sound idiotic...)
Just find it frustrating. I've got a good job, house, I'm ok looking, nice person, reasonably healthy etc etc... life is passing me by!!!

BackforGood Thu 12-Oct-17 00:12:23

I sort of agree with the meeting lots of people thing, but I wouldn't limit that to OLD.
You say you don't know lots of people where you live, so I'd work on that - get involved with things where there are lots of people.... through a hobby, and interest, some volunteering, or even through something your ds is doing. When you have a wider circle of friends, they invite you to things, then you meet their friends, etc.,etc. the more people you get to know, the greater the likelihood there is of you 'clicking' with someone you meet. You never know, you might grow fond of someone who is a nice person first and foremost, even if he no longer has a full head of hair.

HipsterAssassin Thu 12-Oct-17 07:01:56

I think you are doing fine, OP.

You have a bad dates and a crush and a fling which turned into a friend - great!

You're the sort of person who throws themselves into things and that is an attitude which will see you right.

Totally normal to get demoralised with OLD. It does get depressing.

I say just keep doing what you're doing!

HipsterAssassin Thu 12-Oct-17 07:03:48

Oh and it sounds to me very much like life is not passing you by! If you were sitting alone at home all the time then that would be different.

You have had a run of dates that should have read..

pendeen123 Wed 18-Oct-17 17:04:14

Well with the criterion you have set you are reducing your chances massively! - educated,hair,funny,decent job,kids - and that's before any age stipulations. I presume you are looking for someone around your own age although realistically (if depressingly) you should be searching the over 50s "market" where most men have lost some thatch,in fact I don't mean to be unkind but your requirements TBH make you come across as a bit pathetic,a sort of female equivalent to those men in their 40s and 50s hoping to catch a 21 year old with pneumatic books.

pendeen123 Wed 18-Oct-17 17:05:23

Sorry "boobs" not "books"(!)

NinahH Wed 18-Oct-17 23:22:40

I don't think OP comes across as pathetic in the least. She's not looking for George Clooney, simply presentable and congenial, which from my brief foray into OD seemed in short supply upwards of late 40s. Personally I wasn't sufficiently motivated to persevere sifting through the mugshots, but people do find each other so I wouldn't say it's in the least impossible. You could try the London profiles you mention, OP?

Boredboredboredboredbored Thu 19-Oct-17 08:46:40

Pendeen what are you on about?! Op if you know the type of bloke you like then do not compromise, why would you? You've got so much going for you. I joined an OLD website last week and have had 40 plus messages I'd say. I have only responded to one as he seemed to be the only one I would remotely fancy. I cannot date a man with terrible dress sense, I just can't, shallow or now I'd rather be single. Of course all of the other things would follow but the initial attraction has to be that.

MaybeDoctor Thu 19-Oct-17 10:42:14

I think you are quite reasonable on the educational and work requirements, as those are things that men can mostly control. But men can't control male-pattern baldness any more than women can control the changes that inevitably happen to our bodies as we get older.

I think you are going to have to learn to love it, otherwise you are really short-changing yourself and a lot of guys!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: