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Started to withdraw from my parents and sister

8 replies

MycatsaPirate · 11/10/2017 21:23

I have posted before about my parents and my sister really not giving a fuck about me, leaving me out of things and generally not bothering with my (or my children's) existence

Background is I am adopted and have one full sister, one half sister, one adopted sister and one half brother. Full sister was adopted separately to me but we have always been in touch and are close. Half sister I found about 7 years ago and we have an ok relationship but things aren't perfect. We get on ok though. Adopted sister is my parents natural child. I still haven't found my half brother.

So after my last thread I was advised to not go NC but withdraw and stop giving so much of myself to my parents and adopted sister. I didn't ring my parents for three months and they only got in touch when it was DD2's birthday and they wanted to drop off a card and present for her one morning. They stayed for half an hour and left again, DD was at school.

Recently extended family came down to visit and my sister posted photos of them all out for the evening, my parents, the family, my sister ... everyone except me who wasn't even invited. So I removed her from facebook because it just hurts to see this and know I'm not wanted.

It took 6 weeks for her to notice. She has tried to add me as a friend and keeps doing the waving thing but I'm just ignoring it. I can't keep putting myself back into that position where I am confronted with the evidence of happy families which I am not part of. If she asks me then I will tell her but she hasn't phoned, texted or visited. In fact, in the two years we have lived here, she hasn't even been to this house.

I just feel really shit. It's like confirmation that I am not wanted by any of them and that they did their bit getting me to 18 and then they no longer felt the need to continue to treat me like I was one of them.

Tell me it gets easier.

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BarbarianMum · 11/10/2017 21:29

It will get easier, truly it will. It will still be very, very sore for a long time though. The thing is, you get to a point where you can't not notice the way they treat you, or tell yourself that it doesn't matter any more and then you have act or it hurts wirse than withdrawing.

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MycatsaPirate · 11/10/2017 22:07

The only person that truly understands is my sister, my full sister. She had the exact same thing with her adopted parents, albeit her situation was even worse than mine. I think the whole process was handled appallingly and social services just wanted us placed quickly and with extended family. There was no follow up, no ensuring that appropriate counselling was given (or should I say, enforced - the counselling was there, my mum refused to take me) .

I think we were both just given the basics. Roof, clothing, food and schooling. I don't really feel loved by them. I don't feel like I have any sort of bond with my adopted sister at all.

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springydaffs · 11/10/2017 22:41

So sorry op

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wizzywig · 11/10/2017 22:42

Oh op i feel so sad for you. It sounds awful.

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Colabar · 11/10/2017 23:00

You say you are close to your full sister, can you start to make family traditions with her. I think you are doing the right thing withdrawing from the people who brought you up.

I hope you can look back in years to come and realise you have your own family (full/half siblings, nieces, nephews and your children) and are contented.

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MycatsaPirate · 12/10/2017 09:07

My full sister lives a few hours away but we try and see each other a few times a year. We speak on the phone a lot though. We get each other. It's good.

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cupcakesmakeyouhappy · 12/10/2017 11:32

MycatsaPirate - I'm sorry :( Just wanted to post and say you are not alone. Sometimes knowing we are not alone in feeling alone, helps a little.
You can't change people and you can't make them want to be a part of your life. It's heart breaking for you, I understand. You have done the hard bit of no contact. They're not showing any concern which hurts you again but in time you will let go of that hurt. Look after YOU op! Stay off facebook. Stay in co tact with your sister. Make new memories with her. Your children love and care for you lots.

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MycatsaPirate · 12/10/2017 20:30

Thank you.

I spoke to my sister again today, she's dealing with a lot of stuff right now, I am her sounding board and vice versa.

I think if my adopted sister had just messaged me or called or texted then I may feel better but she hasn't. A fucking FR and a wave. Yeah, so much effort.