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Is it time to end this relationship?

(28 Posts)
RunsforCake14 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:01:37

I've been seeing a guy I met online for about 6months now. We get on really well. Enjoy similar things, have lots of laughs - all seems good if you see us together.

However, he's never married and has no kids, so he is free to spend his time as he likes. And has, over time, filled it with friends and hobbies and work.

Initially we would go out at the weekend and if DC were at their dad's then we would spend most of the weekend together. He would also come to my house late in the evening for a cup of tea and sex, of course. This would generally be once a week.

But for the last month or so he's been cancelling the evening "tea" dates at the last minute for various reasons. And he's been messing me about on the weekends. Last Saturday we were supposed to have dinner then cinema. But he remembered he had to work and wouldn't be free until 8.30pm. So we just went to the cinema. He stayed at mine overnight but needed a lift home at 7am because he was working sunday as well - forgot to tell me this!

I messaged him Monday morning and he replied quickly. Then I heard nothing until this evening. But only because I sent an "are you still alive?" text.

And last weekend we were discussing "put upon husbands" and he said "well, at least I'll never be one of those". Which I took to mean he never wants to get married. Not that I'm keen to try that again but I wouldn't be so dismissive of the possibility.

I don't suspect cheating. I just think he's filled his time and doesn't have anything left for me.

We've had a chat about it and he says he wants to be with me. But, as much as I like him, I'm not sure if he's really right for me.

JoJoSM2 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:07:33

Something is off. Perhaps he's got mixed feelings about you relationship? How old is he? Has he ever had a long term relationship/lived with a girlfriend etc?

DH works a lot and has time-consuming hobbies. However, when we first started going out, he made sure he'd see me one evening in the week and spend either Sat or Sun together - so it was clearly possible to make time.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 11-Oct-17 21:11:35

I don't think he sounds right for you either. I don't like cancellers, it's very disrespectful to you. Think about how you'd behave if you were mad about someone. Would you cancel at the last minute, or forget to text them or not tell them you were working?

RunsforCake14 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:21:18

He's younger than me and has only had a few long term relationships. I don't think he's ever lived with a girlfriend.

I've made it clear that I don't need constant contact. I'm not someone who has to have a "good morning" or "good night" text every day. But he claimed he was working til midnight last night. Managed to be on facebook but couldn't just send a text to say Hi.

He's working tonight - this is a regular shift, I knew about. Sent a text about 6.30pm asking how I was. I took my time to reply. I can see he's read it but hasn't replied.

I don't know whether to have another chat with him and ask him if he's decided he doesn't want to see me and this is his way of easing out slowly.

Gemini69 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:21:23

you're now a Booty Call Lady.. end this flowers

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 11-Oct-17 21:23:00

I would just end it. Don't give him the opportunity.

RunsforCake14 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:26:56

This is so hard! I know you're right. He's messing with my head and I need to stop it.

But I like him and he does seem to like me. We're supposed to be having lunch with his family in a couple of weeks, so I thought that meant something. I guess not.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 11-Oct-17 21:30:16

Mixed messages always means no. Always. He does like you, I'm sure. But is that enough? Sadly I've given up on dating because of this kind of thing.

RunsforCake14 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:35:59

This is probably why he's never managed to hold onto a girlfriend for any length of time. He's not prepared to give up any of his social/work life for someone else.

JoJoSM2 Wed 11-Oct-17 22:54:27

Commitment phobe. And using the busy card whenever it suits him.

butterfly56 Wed 11-Oct-17 23:32:19

He wants to control the relationship by being evasive and non committal and cancelling at last minute.

As a result you don't know where you stand with him and it has you doubting yourself. It's a form of passive aggression.

It's frustrating trying to make a relationship work with this kind of dynamic because you're the one that's doing the compromise and he has you second guessing all the time while he just does whatever he pleases.

I would definitely not waste anymore of your precious time on him as he has no clue how to have a relationship or what it actually means.

You deserve a lot better flowers

rainorshine39 Thu 12-Oct-17 08:13:55

Hi, sorry to hear this.
I've been with someone nearly 6 months and although he doesn't cancel on me he seems to be used to being on his own. He's had long term relationships etc but seems to happily do bits and for me in I guess I feel at times. For that reason nothing's ever really planned and I'm starting to find it a bit hard.
Can you mention to him that you want a bit more commitment?

TheNaze73 Thu 12-Oct-17 09:26:21

His only crime I think, is lack of honesty with you. He’s being flaky.
Nothing wrong with being a commitment phobe, as is often bounded about on here. After 6 months most people would still be in the cautious zone. Can you not live for the now, rather than be fixated on the future?
From afar, it looks like you’re more in to him, as opposed to vice versa. If it’s not for you, bin him off.

RunsforCake14 Thu 12-Oct-17 12:08:02

TheNaze I'm trying to live for now but now keeps getting cancelled. He'll say that he'll come over on say Tuesday evening. Then I'll get a text that day saying sorry, he forgot he was working/meeting friends/some other reason. It's like he drops me as soon as something "better" comes along.

I sent him an angry text last night. By 11pm he'd ignored my text but managed to be on Facebook and WhatsApp a fair bit in the evening even though he was busy at work. I asked what was going on and that if he was easing away from me then he should just be honest and tell the truth.

He apologized and again said he was busy with work. We're supposed to have a date on Saturday so I'll have a face to face chat then. Just need to know where I stand. I'd rather he didn't make promises he can't keep.

MagicFajita Thu 12-Oct-17 12:13:30

His actions (or lack thereof) tell you everything you need to know.

It takes 30 seconds and an ounce of respect to respond to a text. He cba and you are clearly both looking for different things.

HellonHeels Thu 12-Oct-17 12:23:02

I'd be inclined just to end it now. How come he could make the time in the beginning and now everything else is more important than you? Sounds like this is the 'real' version of him - would you have been interested in him if he'd behaved like this at the start?

RunsforCake14 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:38:09

I think, as someone else said, he's a commitment phobe. He wants to be with me but without compromising anything else in his life.
I honestly didn't expect everyone to say I should end it now. I thought as it's only been 6 months maybe I should just relax and enjoy the time I do spend with him. But I can see how that it's always going to be like this and it's messing with my head, especially as I've been cheated on in the past.

I think I need to decide what I want. And either end it or get some better commitment from him.

Ferfukzsake Thu 12-Oct-17 14:37:33

Cancel him on Saturday. Go out with some girlfriends instead. Make yourself busier and less available for him. Pretend you're busy doing other things if you have to.

I hate game playing, but he's playing you so it's fair enough in this case.

rainorshine39 Thu 12-Oct-17 16:06:50

Hellonheels you have a point..why does it suddenly change? All my friends say 6 months is a good indication of a persons 'real' ways. Hoping that's not my case as this happened in my last relationship..total personality change and 6m of my life wasted!

RunsforCake14 Thu 12-Oct-17 18:24:42

If this was happening to one of my friends I'd been telling them to get rid of him and go out and have some fun. But actually doing it myself is harder.
We've agreed to meet on Saturday but no time or place. So I'm just going to back away for now and see if he gets in touch to arrange something. If he finds an excuse to cancel then I'm finished with him. If we do meet then we're having a talk as I'd like to give him a chance to step up before I finish it.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Thu 12-Oct-17 22:25:34

Op, if he wanted to make time for you he would. End of. You shouldn't have to give a man a chance to 'step up'' when it seems obvious he cba.

Stop wasting your time and ghost him.

chipscheesentomatosauce Sat 14-Oct-17 23:17:24

Did you see him tonight, OP?

RunsforCake14 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:29:29

chips I saw him, gave him a piece of my mind and asked him what he wants from the relationship.
We had a long and frank discussion about ourselves, past relationships, and how we both see the future.
He told me about his work at the moment - and it does seem like it's hell for him. He also admitted he is scared of commitment because of experiences in his past. So he does tend to back away sometimes.

I told him I was very very close to dumping him and he said he could understand why. It's probably the most honest and emotional conversation I've ever had with someone. It could've ended with him walking away or me kicking him out but I think it brought us closer together.

But I left him with no doubt that if he goes flaky on me again, there is no second chance.

MiracleCure Sun 15-Oct-17 19:37:22

Been there, done that, OP! As the others have said: prob commitmentphobe. I have the same. Mine: sex is amazing and when I blank him he comes back, in particular when he sees me. It's like he sees a reminder of what he is missing. Mine was abused and had a dreadful last relationship.

Keep your eyes open, your time precious and make him the periphery rather than the centre. PM me if you want to swap tips and notes!

RunsforCake14 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:51:10

Thanks MiracleCure. These last few days have made me understand a lot about myself and how I react to people and certain situations.

I'm trying to back off a bit from him now. Focus on myself more. Due to an injury I've got more free time on my hands than I would like. I need to find something I can do to fill the time and stop waiting for him to get in touch.

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