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When your wife comes home upset.....

(67 Posts)
Starlight100 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:08:29

NC for this. Just had what I guess is a bit of a fight with DH. I'd come home upset after one of a group of boys threw a stone at the car and chipped the windscreen as I drove past them. I came in and told DH, he asked if I'd got any details from them, me being upset said something along the lines of "obviously not, they denied it", my tone may not have been great but I was upset.

DH tells me to fuck off and not take it out on him because I was upset.

I went in the other room and had a bit of a cry before reporting the damage to 101, then said sorry to DH if I took it out on him but I was just upset. He said so I should be and that he's not my punchbag. I replied I'm not his either and that he swears at me far more than is necessary and that I want it to stop. He didn't reply, just left the room and went upstairs.

He does swear at me more then he should and I don't feel it's deserved. I was cleaning the head of the hoover the other day and he was coring an apple over the kitchen sink. I asked if I could get in under the sink to get a duster, he muttered "for fuck's sake" and that what he wants doesn't matter. Stuff like that, that's really minor and that most people would have no problem with.

I've been questioning whether I want to stay with him for the last couple of weeks. After a leaving do at work, I got speaking to a friend of mine and somehow the conversation got on to whether I'm happy with DH, as my friend had the feeling I wasn't, I'd described myself as "not unhappily married" after drunkenly confessing a crush on another guy at work. And that conversation just really got me thinking, how we don't really have anything in common and don't really spend that much time together. Even in the evenings I'll be in the living room watching TV and he'll be upstairs on his computer.

We've been married 3 years, together for 12, no kids but I do want to be a mum one day. I'm 30, he's 35. He's not averse to having kids, but he's made it clear it would only be because I wanted them as he's not really fussed either way, although I do believe he would be a good dad. He never wants to go out and do anything, any suggestion comes from me. Even when we went to London for a few days earlier this year (my idea to celebrate my 30th), he left all the decisions about what to do up to me, which just makes me feel bad as I know he doesn't really want to be there.

Since this conversation with my friend I've just been seriously questioning whether I want to stay with him. Tonight has just upset me a bit and since he just left the room and didn't even acknowledge me when I told him the police would be coming tomorrow evening, I'm thinking more and more that splitting would be the right thing to do. But how do you even go about having a civilised conversation about it? Not really sure what I'm asking for here, but I just wanted to get some outside perspective I guess.

Thanks for reading.

Gertrudesings Wed 11-Oct-17 20:11:57

IME (and unfortunately I've had lots of experience of relationships as I'm crap at them!) once you start thinking you want to leave, it usually means you actually want to leave.

User7628 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:13:50

I'm surprised you need to ask anything.

Don't waste your life on this man. Sounds a complete waste of space. Nothing else needs adding really.

timeforabrewnow Wed 11-Oct-17 20:14:08

He doesn't sound very kind to you. I'd be very careful with thinking 'he'd be a great Dad' - it takes an awful lot of patience to be a parent...

topcat2014 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:16:13

If you've been together twelve years, with no kids, something tells me you're not going to have them with this guy. Ditch and move on.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 11-Oct-17 20:16:13

I wouldn't waste any more time with this relationship.

Onecall Wed 11-Oct-17 20:21:30

Nothing there suggests he would be a good dad.

Starlight100 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:23:53

He is good with kids though. He gets on great with our nephew (12) and is more than happy to help out with baby niece. We don't see them very often though as they live in Ireland (where DH is from) and we're in Scotland. Think it's just me that gets on his nerves.

Mooncuplanding Wed 11-Oct-17 20:24:34

You'll prob limp along for a few years.

But you should leave. He's the one who should be kind to you

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 11-Oct-17 20:27:44

Yeah he wouldn't be a great dad. Parenting tests the patience of a saint and requires all the qualities he's obviously lacking.

Besides you know it's time to move on.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 11-Oct-17 20:28:43

Being fun with other people's kids bears no relation to what he'd be like as a dad, btw.

AlternativeTentacle Wed 11-Oct-17 20:30:14

He sounds like a twat. A nasty one at that.

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 11-Oct-17 20:32:00

Don't have kids with him. If you think you want to leave before children come along, your relationship won't withstand the strain put on it by children. Having children never fixed any relationships! Sounds like you're already limping along. Sorry that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

User7628 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:33:17

Like you say, he may be a good dad at some point. Just not with you! He doesn't sound in the least bit interested in you.

PNGirl Wed 11-Oct-17 20:38:41

Sounds like he's started thinking of you as an irritating family member sharing his space (sulking and muttering) rather than a partner. You are supposed to be his favourite person. Telling you to fuck off is disgusting. I would hit the roof.

DonkeyPunch88 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:39:26

I’d probably think about leaving before children come along. It’s a lot harder once they’re involved

GotToGetMyFingerOut Wed 11-Oct-17 20:40:04

I think you should leave. Thirty is still young. He really doesn't sound very kind or caring towards you. I just asked my husband what he'd of done in that situation and he said gave me a cuddle and checked I was okay.

How do you feel about the thought of spending the rest of your life with him?

TheWorldIsMyCakePop Wed 11-Oct-17 20:40:17

Wow OP, I was in a minor crash in the summer and DH gave me the biggest cuddle and let me cry and snot all over him (wasn't my fault, but I'm sure the reaction would have been the same even if it had).

This is a person who you've been with since you were a teenager. You don't sound compatible and can you imagine what life would be like with broken sleep and a screaming newborn and him reminding you that he only had it to please you?

I know it sounds easy to say walk away, but I had a child with the wrong person and though I'd never undo my DC, it has tied us together forever which has been very tough going.

Take some time to think about it, but don't waste too much time.

Sarahh2014 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:40:38

Be with someone who doesn't get irritated at the slightest thing u do me and my XH used to snipe and react harshly at each other all the time looking back it's because we weren't happy and should have ended it years is too short to settle

DontDrinkDontSmoke Wed 11-Oct-17 20:44:26

Don’t have kids with this grumpy fuck.

ShizeItsWeegie Wed 11-Oct-17 20:45:59

He would not make a good Dad. He would make an appalling Dad.

MirriVan Wed 11-Oct-17 20:46:59

It seems that the love might have gone.
It sounds like he's finding you really irritating - sadly once that begins it rarely goes, and it will really knock your confidence to be with someone who just finds you annoying. The only real way this can be salvaged is if the reason he is doing this is that he is stressed/depressed and is taking it out on you - if this is the case then he needs to realise it and stop it if he wants to save the relationship.
I suspect if you talk to him about this he will just get defense though.

SendintheArdwolves Wed 11-Oct-17 20:48:51

Don't waste any more time on this one. All the things you've mentioned - the never wanting to do anything, snapping/swearing at you, spending your free time sitting in different rooms in the house - that is going to get worse not better.

He isn't going to magically change into a fun, attentive, compatible partner. You have already mentioned a few ways in which he is passively projecting his lack of engagement in the relationship, eg: never suggesting any activities, slumping around London on your birthday, saying that he's "not fussed either way" about kids, etc. My money would be on that he is as miserable as you, but lacks the energy and courage to do anything about it.He's probably told himself (as maybe you have as well) that "that's just the way it is" and he's just going to keep his head down and get through the next forty or fifty years.

Don't sell yourself short. This isn't the guy for you. And don't, please, for god's sake, think that him playing with his nephew for a few hours equates in any way AT ALL with him being "a good dad". Does he take an equal share of domestic labour (including planning things, recognising when jobs need to be done, remembering dates and appointments, organising social occasions, etc) or does the lion's share of that fall to you? Is he patient and empathetic with people's feelings? Good when someone is ill? Holds you in high regard and has respect for you? Actually actively WANTS to be a parent? These are all much better indications of someone's parenting potential than whether they enjoy kicking a ball about with a 12 year old.

Liara Wed 11-Oct-17 20:56:45

I can't tell if he'd be a good dad, but he'd be a crap co-parent. And that's much worse.

Parenting is ideally a team sport. It's trying, exhausting, and the thing you need the most when you are sleep deprived and desperate is knowing that your partner has your back, and will support you in whatever you need.

And you know what? Sometimes what you need is a punching bag.

I remember when the dc were tiny and never ever slept, and bf 120 times a day apologising to dh for just having treated him like shit. He said 'it's all right, if treating me as your punching bag allow you to carry on being loving to our baby, then I'll happily take it.'

I can't imagine this guy doing that, from what I read.

4square Wed 11-Oct-17 21:03:28

He doesn't like you very much, OP.
That's ok actually. It sounds like you don't really like him either!

"Good with other people's kids" is not enough for a marriage and it certainly isn't enough to have children with him. Find some self-worth and a better partner.

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