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Who was in the wrong here - me or dh?

(57 Posts)
Borris Wed 11-Oct-17 19:27:22

I got home tonight and could hear dd crying from outside. When I got in dh was sat on the sofa and dd on a chair crying and snotty with red eyes. Really distressed.

She was meant to be learning her 3x table. Dh was telling her that her attitude to homework was awful and that she would look stupid in front of her friends.

When she saw me she begged me to help her. Initially I kept out the way, but after 10 mins she was still crying.

I went down and started going through the times table chanting and then mixing it up. She was trying really hard.

She stromed out saying I'd taken over. He then shouted he was going out and would come back when dd was in bed as he couldn't be in the same room as her and me.

Should I have left them to it? Or was I right to help/take over.

00100001 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:29:35

DH actually called her stupid?

MrsZB Wed 11-Oct-17 19:29:49

I would 100% intervene in that scenario.

00100001 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:31:08

Why do I feel like there is going to be a massive drip feed...?

Because in isolation, it's insane the way he reacted. It I guess it was the culmination of other things?

Elliemayclampett Wed 11-Oct-17 19:31:43

Cuddles for dd. Books away. No one can learn under those circumstances. Your dh was in the wrong

NoSquirrels Wed 11-Oct-17 19:32:12

No, I would intervene. Fuck a "u tied front" when it's causing your young child distress.

I'd perhaps have tried to get her father's attention for a "quiet word" but he needs to look at his parenting if he thinks that's acceptable.

NoSquirrels Wed 11-Oct-17 19:32:57

u tied front = united front

Josiah Wed 11-Oct-17 19:33:19

Learning should be fun and interesting not some kind torture and stress to get every answer right!

Perhaps your husband is a member of the Spanish Inquisition and likes to bring his work home with him!

His attitude sucks and putting pressure on a young child in such a ghastly manner is unkind and abusive.

GummyGoddess Wed 11-Oct-17 19:34:00

He will put her off learning like that! I don't know anybody who would think that normal behaviour from a parent. How old is she?

Quartz2208 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:34:02

He was parenting awfully and lost control

Bluntness100 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:34:58

She’s only little, what an absolute cruel wanker, who tells a small child they will look stupid, who tells them they can’t be in the same room as them,

Right to take over, yes, but you should have kicked the fucker out. I abhor people who are cruel to children. Absolutely and utterly abhor them.

Quartz2208 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:35:03

Though I recognise your username from saying he has been abusive before - its is now going over to your children - the drip feed I think will be how bad it has always been

Borris Wed 11-Oct-17 19:37:10

He tends to say you'll look stupid but you're not. But tonight he just said you'll look stupid.

He thinks I'm too soft.

But I think he expects her to self motivate and study by herself like a university student, not a 6 year old.

He also says to ignore the (teachers) advice of 10 mins max in homework as she "needs to learn to concentrate "hmm

Anymajordude Wed 11-Oct-17 19:37:39

It's easier to learn if it's fun not if it's torture. I have done my fair share of supervising a very reluctant child (rolling on the floor, sharpening pencils, sighing, groaning making a 15 minute task last an hour). I might give consequences but that level of distress is unreasonable and counter productive.

Bluntness100 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:47:13

And he needs to learn not to be an abusive bastard. I really hope you’re going to stick up for your child and make sure both he and she’s knows his behaviour is intolerable and that it will not happen again. She was trying so hard as she was scared.

It’s one thing to chose to be abused as an adult. It’s a whole other ball game when you chose to allow your child to be. Tell him never again will she be in that distressed state due to his behaviour.

Bluntness100 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:50:11

And why did you go upstairs and stay there for ten mins when you saw and heard immediately how distressed your child was and saw how he was abusing her. Why did you not jump in immediately and stop it as soon as you opened the door?

theluckiest Wed 11-Oct-17 19:52:42

Oh the poor love. Does your DH actually realise that 6/7 yr olds are meant to only know 2,5 & 10 times tables by the end of Y2? I'm presuming she's Y2 if she's still 6?

Lovely if she knows her 3s as well but sounds like she's just not ready yet - and by shouting at her, your DH is simply making this unnecessarily hard and unlikely to happen. Silly man. He's a twat.

ApocalypseNowt Wed 11-Oct-17 19:54:06

I'm really strict about my DC (and me and DH!) not using the word stupid for anything but ESPECIALLY not for a person, whoever that might be. It's such a horrible word.

Your DH was well out of order but I think you were a little bit U in a) not stepping in immediately and b) trying to continue the homework at that particular time.

Hufflepuff719 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:58:48

You were right to help. DD was upset and you tried to help her because DH's teaching wasn't working.

DD must have stormed out because she was upset, stressed and struggling.

DH is probably also stressed. Has he had a stressful day?

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You came into help and both DH and DD stories out on you.

(Started this post a while ago so not sure whether you've posted other info now)

Quartz2208 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:59:02

He is now abusing your children

Hufflepuff719 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:59:48

Stormed out*

Borris Wed 11-Oct-17 20:03:35

I suppose my radar is wrong as to what is normal and not sad. He's very big on the united front and consistency.

She can be a drama queen/ turn on very convincing tears which can instantly stop. So I suppose I didn't know exactly how upset she was.

The 3x table came home from school. I think her and a few other able children are given some extras to do.

Bluntness100 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:03:46

I’ve just read your other threads, and I can see why you tried to stay out of it now. He’s abusive to you, so I guess you were scared to step in and challenge him.

Have you seen a solicitor or spoken to women’s aid? As I said before you can’t let him abuse your children as well as you. That’s something you will never forgive yourself for. Time to get strong for your kids sake.

Borris Wed 11-Oct-17 20:04:19

We have had a lovely evening and she now knows her 3x table and has gone to bed happy.

Waiting for dh to get home now.

Bluntness100 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:05:14

She can be a drama queen/ turn on very convincing tears which can instantly stop. So I suppose I didn't know exactly how upset she was

How dare you try to minimise this and blame your own child, you knew exactly. Shame on you.

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