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How do you know if they're 'the one'?

(26 Posts)
flso Wed 11-Oct-17 18:19:07

I've been with my partner for just over 4 years now, we've lived together for 2 1/2 and we're both 27.

If he'd asked me to marry him two years ago, I would have said yes without hesitation. But now I'm not so sure because I feel like some things are starting to go wrong...

Our sex life used to be good, but in the last year it's really nose dived & now we barely have sex even once a month. We've talked a few times (I was worried he no longer found me attractive); he said not to worry, he was stressed about work and he'd lost his 'mojo'. It hasn't got better despite me trying.

I've do all the house work - not sure if this sounds petty!! It's like he just doesn't see that things need doing. I've just started a part-time degree on top of working, and he hasn't started helping out more despite saying he would (though he has offered to help out financially with buying books etc).

At weekends, he likes to stay up late and sleep in until late morning, whereas I like to be up early to make the most of the day. I love the outdoors, whereas he likes computer games.

I love him and I miss him when he's away. He makes me feel safe and he's a really nice person. I worry that we've lost our spark, and sometimes wonder whether I just like the idea of being married and buying a house etc, but not necessarily with him. Other times I absolutely love him to pieces and feel guilty for thinking that way.

I've been nagging him a bit about getting married and I think now he might be about to propose, so perhaps I'm just having a last minute freak out even though for years I've been so sure?

Do all relationships hit this stage a few years in, where the day to day stuff gets in the way of the romance and love?

Are these things that just need working at?

Am I over reacting and would I be stupid to throw away a relationship for things that might seem small?

flso Wed 11-Oct-17 18:20:29

It's a part time masters degree, so two more years to go... confused!

LineysRun Wed 11-Oct-17 18:25:06

These are not small things, though. They're huge.

He doesn't do house work or house stuff. He keeps different hours to you. Your intimacy has changed.

That's big, big stuff if you ever have kids.

TheVicarOfNibbleswicke Wed 11-Oct-17 18:28:23

The sex thing is a major issue. Is he staying up late watching porn?

AllTheWhoresOfMalta Wed 11-Oct-17 18:31:45

I nearly married a guy like this and thought this must be "it" as it was good enough. Then I met someone else and realised that when you meet The One you know, it's a different thing. We are married now and despite the fact that the day to day stuff is irritating, he's fair and has never taken me for granted and I know that feel different after a decade with/married to him than if I had married the "He'll Do" man who was nice but who I didn't love like you should love your husband.

flso Wed 11-Oct-17 18:35:10

He's definitely staying up playing a computer game because he's nearly always sat in bed beside me hmm I've asked him not to be on the computer late because the light/noise disturbs my sleep.

I've brought all of this up with him a few times before and have even said 'will you be like this, sleeping in really late and not helping out round the house, when we have kids?' and he's always said no of course not, but then continuing behaviour suggests otherwise!

flso Wed 11-Oct-17 18:37:03

He's really sweet at times - last week I had loads of events at work, so every night I was getting in at around 10pm. And he'd always be making me a cup of tea as I walked in the door, without fail.

How can he be like that but then other times drive me mad because he seems lazy?

Cambionome Wed 11-Oct-17 18:38:36

The not sharing the housework is a major red flag imo. Does he think it's ok for you to do the menial stuff but not him? hmm
Not good, op.

Hesanidiot Wed 11-Oct-17 18:38:52

I found that having kids made us slip into gender roles but not before. Living together obviously means sex changes but I would feel that once a month is not enough and going to bed at different times plus no help round the house would be enough to make me go. Where's the fun in a partner who lives like a housemate?

Cambionome Wed 11-Oct-17 18:41:50

Hmmm... making a cup of tea is a pretty small thing, as opposed to - let's see - cleaning the toilet, mopping the floors, ironing etc etc etc which I assume you are doing??

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 11-Oct-17 18:44:54

I think that you are posting this because you already know the answer.

Think about how you imagined your life to be. Yes the early excitement wears off, but that doesn't mean it's ok for you to be treated like some sort of domestic drudge.

In my experience the concept of 'the one' simply encourages women to stay in unhappy relationships for far too long, because they have already convinced themselves that they've met their one and it would cause cognitive dissonance to change that.

Hesanidiot Wed 11-Oct-17 18:44:59

X posted but if you think it's a goer (I feel bad that I said I'd go as I don't know him or you) you should talk about this properly.
I don't think this sounds like fun and my experience of having kids and working part time was that gradually more 'wifework' came my way - we were 50 50 before. I wouldn't want to have started in minus points

hattyhighlighter Wed 11-Oct-17 18:58:49

How about going to relate with him or something and seeing if you can resolve differences?

CoyoteCafe Wed 11-Oct-17 19:00:20

I don't think there is one "the one," so I think it is a bogus question, BUT things are only going to go down hill from here. While he sounds like basically a nice person, it doesn't sound like he wants the same things in life as you.

If sex isn't good at 27 (and no kids?) then it won't magically get better.

If he does zero housework now, creating more housework with a house and children isn't going to get him to do his share.

If he stays up half the night gaming, he isn't suddenly going to wake up and want to make the most of his life when he hits 30.

You are young. So young. Way to young too stay in such a mediocre relationship.

bigfatbumfreak Wed 11-Oct-17 19:03:06


Sunnyx Wed 11-Oct-17 19:19:54

If you are both happy with the sexy situation or it is improving after communication, I would say fine, otherwise it will probably just become a bigger problem. My OH is the same with the gaming but he is in a different room so doesn't disturb me. It doesn't bother me too much tbh. We have a 5 month old and if I ask him to get up early with him and give me a lie in, he will, even if he didn't come to bed till 3am. Do his lie ins ruin your weekend? Is he still happy to leave the house and do things with you on the weekend? If not, surely you can't be happy with this and I would say move on and find someone who you have more in common with.

Is the housework something you can improve on? Agree who does what? If you're already communicated about this but still no change, another reason to get rid.

User7628 Wed 11-Oct-17 20:07:29

he probably feels the same but won't say so. A lot of men don't have the bollocks to end relationships so just go along with it.

Turkkadin Wed 11-Oct-17 20:55:13

Anyone can make a cup of tea.

IfNot Wed 11-Oct-17 21:01:33

Is your bar really set so low? He lost my vote at "I do all the housework"
Nah. You can do better.

Pebbles1989 Wed 11-Oct-17 22:07:28

Oh my goodness... I'm a year older than you and I could have written your OP six months ago. Exactly the same complaints, though (if anything) we had sex even less.

I left him four months ago. It has been horrible and I'm still sad and lonely. However... I think, on balance, it's better than remaining in the relationship. He is still a good friend but I just couldn't stay with someone like that. I am really hoping I will find someone who actually wants to sleep with me.

Pebbles1989 Wed 11-Oct-17 22:09:54

P.S. Check out the dead bedrooms forum on Reddit. I found it depressing but also enlightening. It's true that things are very unlikely to improve in that department.

flso Tue 31-Oct-17 11:50:55

So I bit the bullet and on Sunday night I packed a bag, told him that I didn't think it was working and that I needed some time to think, and left for a few days.

I've basically spent the last two days crying and I'm struggling with the decision of what to do next.

Do I try to explain to him again what was making me unhappy, agree on some changes and move back in and try to make it work?

Or is expecting him to change too much to ask - would I essentially be asking him to become a different person by asking him to change his hobbies, lifestyle and the way he shows his appreciation for me?

I feel like I want to go back to him and I'm upset and scared of losing him. But I'm also worried that, if I go back, it will get better for a short amount of time, and then just go back to how things were.

When I talked the whole thing through with my parents, they said they don't see it working in the long run and suggest I move out and find happiness elsewhere - that there will be someone out there who finds me intelligent, attractive and irresistible. When I talk to my family and friends, I get the resolve to leave and feel like I should leave. But when I read back through his texts, I know how much he loves me and is worried about me and feel like I should give it another go.

Any advice?

HipsterAssassin Tue 31-Oct-17 18:05:41

Your parents are right. Listen to them.

Break ups are hard, for a while, but nowhere near as hard or as tricky as life with all the mental load and kids and work and this incompatible dead weight. Or life with kids and work and an ExH and divorce and a lifetime of shared access due to the mistake of staying with this man. He still has some growing up to do - leave him to it.

beesandknees Tue 31-Oct-17 19:25:21

Your parents are right.

It is really really clear from your OP that you will be miserable together long term

Sunnyx Tue 31-Oct-17 20:06:19

Really feel for you OP. Your parents know you and your relationship better than anyone else in here. I think you are right when you say if you go back, things will be better in the short term but then likely go back to how they were before. You are fundamentally asking him to change who he is; his drive and hobbies. Of course you should both make compromises, change yourself a little to make things work in a long term relationship but It won’t work in the long term unless you accept what you think are his flaws.

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