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Feeling sick about abusing ex contacting me

(24 Posts)
Sodaface Wed 11-Oct-17 16:47:00

I was in a relationship with this man for about three years. I was only 18 when it began but we knew each other since we were 14. We had an amazing connection on all levels (so I thought) he was kind, caring, spoiled me etc & we weee crazy crazy crazy in love. He lived in one city I lived in another and we made a big effort to see each other three times a week. After 1 year I gave up everything & moved in with him.

Everything was going well but I had my suspicions that he might be cheating. He was always throwing sly digs, talking about women, exs etc I came home one day and all my stuff was in the yard and the locks changed!!

I was devastated, I loved this person so much. My family sorted the move and I came back home to my pate ta with nothing. After a week he begged me to take him back, but not move in together. I was so hurt and nieve that I said yes and we started all over like nothing had happened. I eventually seen the light and began to build a life for myself and distance myself from him. The relationship continued and he was so controlling, made me feel paranoid called me crazy, would disappear for weeks on end and then turn up saying he had a last min holiday offer with his brother. (I barely met his family & he had only one friend)

Things turned violent, hit would strangle me & the worst was when he threw me down the stairs! After about 5 occasions of violence I called it a day and he disclosed his numerous relationships with other women to hurt me even more.

Fast forward 10 years, I am married with two kids and very happy with my wonderful DH. The problem is that every now and the my ex finds an excuse to find me it just bumps into my family. He called into my uncles restaurant and asked about me, a year after that he walked into a shop just behind me, made eye contact said “oh your married then” and walked off, I didn’t say a word. Last week he tried to add me on Facebook. I don’t know how he found me, I’ve changed my name, private settings, no friends in common etc. I blocked him!

Yesterday he walked into my work place, gave a co worker his card and asked that I contact him.

I am physically sick thinking about this, he knows everything about my life now. What the hell does he want??

Shayelle Wed 11-Oct-17 17:19:40

Tell your husband. Then go to the police flowers

Sodaface Wed 11-Oct-17 17:45:08

Thank you

I would but he hasn’t really done anything worth reporting?!

I don’t want to tell my DH yet am hoping nothing will come of it. I just can’t figure out why he keeps poping up every few years especially as we live so far apart.

Proudtrout Wed 11-Oct-17 17:55:11

If I were you I'd tell your husband, send ex ONE email to say you understand he's trying to get in touch but you've moved on with your life and request no further communication (then if he persists you can take it to police). Don't engage with any reply.
I wonder if he comes sniffing after ex partners when current one escapes the abuse- people like that are vampires.

something2say Wed 11-Oct-17 18:01:13

Agree with everyone else.
Tell him straight to back off. Keep a record.
Then keep a further record of events you can remember and further events.
Never respond directly to him and advise family members to do the same where possible.
If much more happens go to the police as this is a pattern of stalking and he has a violent history.
What they will then do is most likely speak to him and warn him off.
And if he does it again, it's either charging time or restraining order time.

Sodaface Wed 11-Oct-17 18:45:33

I was thinking that to proud is it a possibility that he hasn’t changed? I really hope he’s not being abusive to another woman.

He has a huge ego, really charming and it put me off telling anyone about the violence including the police as I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I eventually told my mum about a year after we split up.

I went round to her for advice and she thinks i should ignore him and he will go away as usual. Am worried that he might turn up at work again, it’s a place open to the public so he’d be more than welcome to visit when he likes.

spudlike1 Wed 11-Oct-17 19:04:33

Tell everyone , tell your work colleaugues, tell your BF , tell everyone . Get support .
His behaviour is creepy and very worrying .

Sodaface Wed 11-Oct-17 19:24:06

Ffs just told DH and he said “so what, he’s a dickhead” & walked off! He genuinely didn’t care while am sitting here shaking am so nervous.

I think I’ll just fuck off to bed. I’ve been on Ads ever since the ex & me left because it was so bad and traumatic for me. I was hoping I might get a bit more concern from DH.

rainbowduck Wed 11-Oct-17 19:32:13

You might need to spell out to DH how this is making you feel.
Would it be possible for DH to send an email on your behalf? I have a similar history with an ex, and would ask my DH to do that and I know he would willingly.

Stay strong. Don't give this twat the power to ruin your day. X

Sodaface Wed 11-Oct-17 21:13:39

Thanks everyone! I sulked off and DH came into talk to me so I think he gets it a bit better now. I feel so unsettled. I can’t believe that 10 years later he can still make me feel like this.

MrsRhettButler Wed 11-Oct-17 21:22:06

I'm not one to go off into the deep end unnecessarily but his behaviour is worrying to say the least, the reason people like him have power is because they rely on you to not tell others what is happening.
Tell EVERYBODY about your creepy ex and take your power back.

spudlike1 Thu 12-Oct-17 06:23:26

Follow your intuition, gut instinct. Your "gut ' is telling you to be cautious and concerned. Do not contact him , do not get DH to contact him , give him nothing. Keep a record of everything he is doing dates etc .tell people at work how worried you are.
Seek professional advice

MinervaSaidThar Thu 12-Oct-17 06:46:21

Go to the police. Do you still have his number? They will call him and hopefully scare him away.

wellbanana Thu 12-Oct-17 06:48:00

Please do not contact him AT ALL.
Not by email, not by text, not by phone. Do not get your husband to contact him. Do not get anyone else to contact him.

Seriously, please don't listen to the well meaning posts about sending him an email asking him to leave you alone.
Engaging with him in any way will only encourage him and give him the power that he wants. If you email him, he will try to find ways to speak to you more. This would be the same advice the police/domestic abuse services will give you. Absolutely under no circumstances should you respond to him.

And tell everyone he is contacting about the situation and tell them not to respond either. Do not keep it to yourself.

Keep a log of all the contact.
Go to the police and have a chat with them. He probably hasn't crossed the line yet for them to consider it stalking/harassment, but they take these things much more seriously than they used to. They'll then have it on record so if you have any further contact from him, or it escalates, you can call them and they'll already know about the background and respond accordingly. Maybe they might have a word with him informally if it's appropriate and ask him to stay away.

Don't underestimate this man's issues. He tried to strangle you in the past. I'm not suggesting that would happen again but it is important that you take steps to protect yourself and feel safe.

Hopefully once he sees he's not getting a response, he'll back off. But in case he doesn't, you have a plan in place.

C0untDucku1a Thu 12-Oct-17 06:53:31

He tried to strangle you. He is a dangerous man. Go to the police.

Proudtrout Thu 12-Oct-17 08:03:35

Yes sorry OP I realised police first and no contact probably best in your situation as others have said.

In my situation I was advised (by police) to send one 'this is abusive behaviour, stop or I'll take it further' message but in your situation that's maybe not the best approach- I'm guilty of blurring your experience with my own there so sorry if it was bad advice xxx.

missmartha Thu 12-Oct-17 08:13:44

I have been stalked over the years and I have had the police involved.
It's true that there has been no physical violence but being stalked is frightening in and of itself.

I had not heard from this man for years and assumed he didn't know where I lived any longer as I've moved house but this summer I received a long rambling hand written letter from him.

I discussed this with my DH and we have decided to do NOTHING.
I really suggest you do the same. The police are unlikely to help and there is very little else, ime, it is possible to do

Ignore it, it has been 10 years the chances are he'll go away. Keep a diary though. Make sure you have a reliable record of anything else that happens.

Don't worry too much, easy to say I know.

missmartha Thu 12-Oct-17 08:15:39

Yes, he tried to strangle you. Your situation is different. Going to the police could be the wise thing to do.

Very sorry for conflating your experience with mine, they are different.

Desmondo2016 Thu 12-Oct-17 09:01:29

Please tell the police the whole story. This has stinky undertones and I would advise you to proactively protect yourself fro. Him immediately. He may end up being interviewed about the historical assaults but it is up to you if you engage in that process with the police or not.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 12-Oct-17 12:34:11

Do not contact him yourself and report all of this to the police. Hire a solicitor to send him a certified cease and desist letter which states you have reported his harassment to the police and to never attempt to contact you again. Keep a detailed record of any and all contact.

Sodaface Thu 12-Oct-17 14:56:27

Thanks for the advice everyone j really appreciate it so much.

I’ll be keeping a note if what’s going on just incase he does come looking for me again. I really don’t think he would hurt me because he’s a manipulative arse, he’d try to prove to me that he’s changed.

I’ve luckily booked this weekend/next week off work so that’s me home now until next Saturday. I’ve told my boss a little about it but not it all but he was very supportive.

Sodaface Fri 13-Oct-17 14:59:25

I feel so overwhelmed by this, I am loosing my mind!!! I can’t think straight or function properly. I can barely string a sentence together, my words won’t come out.

I am scared, I didn’t think I was but it’s been in my mind constantly and I can’t forget it. DH is upset with me because am like this I wish I hadn’t told him.

I just want to stay in bed and not move because I keep thinking about jumping into the main road at front of my house. 😢

Pinkvoid Fri 13-Oct-17 17:39:40

Oh dear, I was in the same situation OP sad. Had a year long relationship when I was younger with a man that also threatened to strangle me, hit me, threatened me with a knife to my throat and hurled a lot of emotional abuse my way. When I left he stalked me for months... he turned up at my house unexpected, would post letters through the door if I wasn't in, I had messages and phone calls from any angle he could think to try and he knew where I walked to work on a morning so most days would drive past me and shout things from the window. It all came to ahead when he assaulted me in the street so I phoned the police. The police couldn't charge him but being arrested was enough thankfully to scare him away, haven't heard from him since.

Personally I would keep a log, photo evidence if you can (or CCTV) and inform the police. Sorry you're experiencing this flowers.

Rescuepuppydaft2 Fri 13-Oct-17 18:02:29

Oh op, please get support! You can call woman's aid to talk it through, call the police, and go see your g.p!
It worries me that your dh seems to blame you! You are in no way to blame! Is your husband emotionally or verbally abusive? You wouldn't be the first woman to jump from one abusive relationship to another! I think you need to consider completing the freedom program! I also recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that'

If your suicidal thoughts continue, please contact your gp, nhs24 or go to a&e and ask for help! If your husband is being verbally abusive or punishing you in a passive aggressive way, is there somewhere else you can go? Your Mother doesn't sound all that supportive, do you have a friend or sibling you can go to for now?

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