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Why can't I let it go? Should I?

(28 Posts)
Freshfaced85 Wed 11-Oct-17 13:13:24

I feel like a broken record and probably am, but I can't seem to get over the desire to move back close to my family.
I moved north for uni and met my now husband. We settled in the area as I was too scared that if I went back south after uni, he wouldn't follow and our relationship would fail (first boyfriend, low self esteem etc)
Well cut to 10 years later and we are married with a 4 year old.
We've been through rough times, as I'm sure everyone has. He's lost jobs, been out of work for long periods (although now in a new career so hopefully on the up) and we've also had our relationship tested.
2 years ago he slept in the same bed as another woman when drunk and groped her. He flirted with her and almost destroyed us. (I'm trying to move past it but it's still a work in progress, although we are definitely making good progress - and no they didn't have sex of any kind)
We get very little help with childcare from my in laws, which is not unusual at all, however my parents would be eager to support us. This can make life difficult not having time with each other.

I have really struggled and have tried lots and lots to make improvements. I've changed career, tried to make friends etc but still feel life isn't what I want it to be.
We've had numerous discussions about me wanting to move and dh is always frustrated by it. He full stop does not want to move closer to my family as he doesn't want to be unhappy there (it feels like he doesn't understand that I feel the same about the situation we are currently in)
He tells me it's always the same and I'll never stop going on about it. But to me when I originally raised the possibility years ago the reasons to stay were financially based in that we'd have more money and a better life. With the job loses etc etc that's not happened at all. Those promises never paid off.
I've asked him to tell me all the reasons why it is better to stay now. They make sense and I understand them (still financial) but in my eyes it still doesn't outway the support we would have if we moved.
One of his reasons for staying was that when dd went to school his parents had said about picking her up more so that would save on after school clubs etc as they will have retired. Would have a positive impact financially and maybe make life less stressful and rushed. Well now they've decided against that. It's their decision, but don't tell us you are going to be picking her up from school when you retire when in actual fact you won't.
This makes me want to press to move south again. I want another child at some point too and I have today told him that I can't have another if I'm not going to have that emotional support (which I would get if we moved) It's frustrating as all the reasons he gives seem to then change which for me throws the option open again.
I guess I'm frustrated that the goal posts are always changing yet the result is always him getting what he wants.
(Fyi I do suffer from anxiety and depression and I have 2 nephews in the south which me and dd would love to be able to see more)

Sodaface Wed 11-Oct-17 13:18:16

Leave on your own, take your child. He sounds like an ass. I wanted to move back close to home & we worked as a couple to make it possible. If he’s not willing to consider it with all the fa R’s then life’s to short to be that unhappy with a “cheater”.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 13:23:45

Could you move away on your own?
Set yourself and DD up first and see if he wants to follow?
Could you and DD live with a family member down South to see how find it all?
You get one life.
Sorry but living it this way is not for you.
Only YOU can change it.

Shoxfordian Wed 11-Oct-17 13:52:14

Yes you should look into leaving on your own with your child. He does not sound like a good partner

Myheartbelongsto Wed 11-Oct-17 14:11:29

I'd be gone after he groped another woman.

He probably doesn't want to move as he knows he won't be sticking around.

Isetan Wed 11-Oct-17 16:59:47

Why can’t you let it go? Because you’re still hoping against hope that he will prioritise your needs for once. Given that it’s been 10 years and he's endangered your marriage by groping —having sex with— another woman, I think you can assume that he isn’t about to change.

I think you know deep down, that this and his earlier indiscretion, is the price of being with this man. He doesn’t want to move and there isn’t a particular argument or reasoning that’s going to change that.

It’s ok not to be ready to walk or issue ultimatums but the sooner you accept him for who he is, the easier it will be to make a decision.

Freshfaced85 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:37:03

I don't feel ready to for ultimatums. I feel like I need to do what I can for dd. It wouldn't be fair on her to move 3 hours away from her dad. And I know he is probably an ass, but that doesn't mean I can move away from him and take his daughter with me.
I know lots of people think that's silly but I genuinely don't think it's something I could do unless he does something in the future that really destroys us.

Cricrichan Wed 11-Oct-17 23:45:18

I think you're pining too much hope on.moving south as if that will magically solve all your problems. It won't. You may have a bit more support but other than that life won't be too different.

You should have been able to make a life for yourself where you live in 10 years. It sounds to me like you've set it to fail because you're so desperate to move back.

If you don't want to separate your husband from your daughter and he's obviously not going to budge, then make the most of your life where you are and stop looking for bad things. Don't romanticize life back home, everyone will be completely different from when you lived there as a child or teen.

I don't want to sound harsh but I've lived in lots of different places and it did my.head in when people always looked at the cons instead on looking at the positives and enjoying their life there or moving on. But if they know they have no choice then it's pointless looking for bad points because you'll always find them.

If you want to spend.time with your dh pay for a babysitter or have a date night at home or invite friends over etc. Many parents don't have family to babysit either but we find ways around it.

Freshfaced85 Thu 12-Oct-17 04:24:16

I agree that this is probably the case in some respects, but I do feel like the support aspect would have a hugely positive impact.
My anxiety and depression can make it difficult for me to make new friends and is also the reason I suspect I see negatives to being where we currently are.
We don't really have friends to invite round. I have colleagues at work but have never really been able to forge them into relationships outside the office.
Dh has friends he sees every week but he never wants to invite them over or do things with all the other halves too.
A 4 year old, a dog, a house to run (which I feel I do 80% of) plus I am studying for a qualification means that free time is sparse.
Hence the support back home would be lovely. Plus really low wages, dh spending a year out of work (really destroyed our finances) means money is tight so we couldn't afford a babysitter.
Again, I am aware I see all the negatives.
I guess i resent/am jealous of the life he appears to have.
Friends, free time, rarely helps with things. It feels like he sees everything as my responsibility. He'd say he didn't but it's not like he does things without being asked a hundred times. And even then he often doesn't so I end up doing so much or it just doesn't get done.
DD will go to school next year and even though I've said several times that we need to arrange viewings, it just won't stick and he won't help at all.
I do love him, but I miss the happiness I once felt. I just feel like I'm searching for something to make it better.
I think as he knows we'll stay where we are, he doesn't have to bother or try to make life better here as he'll just refuse any other option.

Gimmeareason Thu 12-Oct-17 06:00:15

"I don't feel ready to for ultimatums."

How are you planning on getting back some control over your life then? Youre going to be on here in 10 years saying the same thing. You're refusing to take action. He cheated on you.

""I feel like I need to do what I can for dd. It wouldn't be fair on her to move 3 hours away from her dad."

Loads of people are much further and manage.

You only have 1 life.

Hes not going to budge

Take action.

category12 Thu 12-Oct-17 07:26:37

He doesn't bring much to the relationship, does he? Of course he doesn't want to move, he's got the life he wants and has you doing everything. Plus putting up with his infidelity. (Why do you believe he didn't have sex with that woman?)

I'd leave. Not because moving home would solve your problems, but because he's an arsehole. Your anxiety etc would likely improve without him making your life such a grind and treating you like you don't matter.

Freshfaced85 Thu 12-Oct-17 20:03:00

I know there was no sex as I saw the messages between them.
I worry that my anxiety and need to see the negative means that I don't give him credit for good things he does as I don't see them, or notice them, or I don't know.
I think I am probably quite difficult to be with myself. I'm a perfectionist at times and most definitely a nag. Although in my head, I have this idea that I wouldn't be if he didn't need to be constantly asked/told what needs doing.
I know he finds things hard too. One of my huge frustrations is that when we do visit my family we tend to stay for a long weekend or a week so that we get to spend time with them (and it's too tiring to do in a weekend) and he seems to shut himself off. Always on his phone, not particularly interacting with anyone.
For me it's the time when I get to have all the people I love together as the rest of the time I make the sacrifice being away from them, but it's sad that he distances himself. He's part of the "people I love" and the point is that we are altogether.
Should I be issuing ultimatums. Is that not cruel? Is that not a "low blow"? I'm no good at all this, clearly.

category12 Thu 12-Oct-17 21:25:39

He's just not interested in your unhappiness, tho.

Cricrichan Thu 12-Oct-17 22:30:35

This really isn't about geography. This is about being with a cheating, lazy, selfish man. Time to start doing things for you, wherever you are.

Freshfaced85 Fri 13-Oct-17 07:02:47

Is it possible for him to learn how to be a "grown up"? I think because his mum did everything for him, he's still this teenager who struggles with the real world of being an adult.
Even if we were to split (which I really don't want as I do still love him plus it would be sad for dd) I'd surely have to stay local as we have a child together and it wouldn't be right to move her 3 hours away from him.
Should I be telling him that we have to move. I'm putting my foot down and that's what I need and I think dd will be happier for it?
Is it not cruel to do that. He'll probably just see it as me repeating myself constantly and me not being able to grow up and make a life here.

schoolgaterebel Fri 13-Oct-17 07:19:12

If he won’t move
And you won’t move without him
Then you will be staying where you are.

You need to stop pining after moving south and get yourself settled.
Join clubs, volunteer, meet people, start thinking positively, have another baby and throw yourself into life where you are. Find a support structure around you, lots of friends will need as much help as you do, support each other.

This is in your hands.

category12 Fri 13-Oct-17 07:49:31

Well you're now in the role of his mum: you're enabling him to continue being a teenager.

So you could step back from doing everything and insist on fair division of labour at home, mentally and physically. I am not sure how you achieve this as it's far more attractive to him to stay as is. Unless you make it clear the current situation is untenable and will kill your marriage.

I definitely wouldn't have more dc with him as things are.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:33:52

Myself and DH lived in a different country when we were younger. When my eldest was born I got very homesick and wanted to move home. I got pregnant again very soon after (not planned) and got PND from the homesickness. Anyway DD was born and I moved home when she was 3 weeks old. DS was 18 months. I got no support from my OH but he eventually moved a year later. To be honest it damaged our relationship and I am planning to leave now but I'm so glad I moved home.

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Oct-17 08:45:44

Is it possible for him to learn how to be a "grown up"? I think because his mum did everything for him, he's still this teenager who struggles with the real world of being an adult.

Doesn’t sound like he struggles to me; it sounds like he has everything just as he wants it. Why would he ever change, even if he could?
You only have one life, I think you’re just waiting for him to do something else awful so that you feel justified in moving nearer your family. Well, he’s already done something awful. It’s no way to live.

Fishface77 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:51:43

So have you come on here to moan?
People are giving you great advice.
This cunt is never going to change.
He can't see your unhappiness.
To be honest it was doomed from the beginnng when you stayed because you didn't think he would follow you.

Freshfaced85 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:56:12

I think maybe you are right cockacidal I've seen him go through sadness and depression and don't want to ever make him feel that way. I don't ever want to make anyone feel that way regardless of what they've done to me.
I'm soft and this has led me to where I am. I wish when he had cheated that I had used that as a definitive "we are moving" moment, and I guess if I think about it, I feel I'd need another bad thing to happen to justify the hurt an ultimatum would cause.
schoolgaterebel I'm really trying to make an effort where I am. I've changed careers to something which inspires me and excites me, I've started going to an exercise class with a colleague. It can be tricky though with a full time job, a young child and my career requires studying for a qualification so I'm limited. However I always struggle to make friends and keep them.
My sister and an old uni friend are my closest friends and both live considerably far away.

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Oct-17 09:02:06

I think maybe you are right cockacidal I've seen him go through sadness and depression and don't want to ever make him feel that way.

His emotions are his own responsibility, though.
Breakups make people sad; I once had a proper breakdown after one of mine. Despite this, it’s not a reason to stay in a bad relationship.

category12 Fri 13-Oct-17 09:16:45

You won't find sacrificing your happiness to someone who is complacent and takes it for granted you'll put him first, is a good long-term life strategy. He doesn't respect you for it. He's not bothered about your unhappiness in the slightest.

lostlilly Fri 13-Oct-17 09:32:25

do you know what, This sounds SO much like me. I moved south for uni, met and married a man down there, we were permanently skint due to house prices and cost of living, I was main earner and exhausted, his family didn't help at all with childcare, eventually we moved to the midlands after years of me struggling and feeling isolated from my friends and family.
Life got a lot better for us, our cost of living decreased and my parents and sisters and friends were able to help out with dd....BUT after many years together he has still been unfaithful and we are now getting a divorce.

I wish so much I called it a day years ago and didn't waste so many years of my life worrying about keeping him happy.
Please don't make the same mistakes, if you love each other that's great and make it work for your children but if he is unfaithful and you are miserable living somewhere for his happiness and not yours, get out and make yourself happy!

Freshfaced85 Fri 13-Oct-17 13:59:39

lostlilly that's very similar to us indeed, however my move will cause a steep increase in expenditure as we currently live somewhere cheap compared to where we'd need to move to.
I need to get a spine of some sort so that I put me first.

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