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DP hates me spending time with my family.

(49 Posts)
SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 12:11:56

I don't understand his thinking. He hates me spending time with my nan or brother, or sometimes cousins. My nan is elderly so often asks me to take her shopping (whether clothes or other) or recently she's asked me to strip her walls for her.
My brother, yeah I'll admit is a bit of a pest, he likes to take advantage of me a bit asking me to babysit his DC overnight almost every week, but I often say no if I CBA, but the truth is, I love my DNs and like having them stay.
My DP hates me doing favours for them BUT my nan has come into some money lately and he has no qualms coming out for meals with us (brother included) or she's paying for us to go on holiday abroad next year and he wants to come (then moans we can't do much as she can't walk far). He's a keen gardener yet refuses to cut her (admittedly largeish) lawn for her (I do it)
She's asked me to take her to b and q today and he's said no because we "might" have to work (have our own business, but looking likely we'll not be working today) I'm sitting upstairs twiddling my thumbs, when I could be taking her out.
Most times I just ignore him and do what I want anyhow, but it causes a huge argument and sometimes it's just not worth the aggro.
For the record, we're not really "together" anymore, but he refuses to move out and I'm not giving up this house (HA) and uprooting the kids. I just don't get him.

SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 12:25:37

My user name is meant to be SerJorahsWhore dur!

2014newme Wed 11-Oct-17 12:27:46

You're not together so focus on getting him out. Is it a joint tenancy?

Barbaro Wed 11-Oct-17 12:28:37

Get rid of him. He is controlling. And go see your nan.

SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 12:30:19

Yes joint tenancy. He has no where to go. He moved away from his family up to here and he won't move back. He/we have no money for him to get his own place. He also suffers social anxiety so cannot ring places/speak to people (it's one of the reasons we decided to work for ourselves-i do all calls etc)

SparklyMagpie Wed 11-Oct-17 12:31:40

Don't sit upstairs twiddling your thumbs go and get your nan!

Leeds2 Wed 11-Oct-17 12:32:06

If you're not together, then surely there is no need for him to come on holiday with you.

HeppyKestrel Wed 11-Oct-17 12:32:21

you do not need his permission to spend time with your family.

SparklyMagpie Wed 11-Oct-17 12:32:56

And stop letting him tag along to family meals and holidays. You arn't together, he doesn't get to dictate who you can see or what you do.

2014newme Wed 11-Oct-17 12:33:08

He's your ex. Get on with your own life.

DancingLedge Wed 11-Oct-17 12:33:40

"he's said no" . To something you might do. You're not a child. He has as much power over you as you give him.

If you have a business together, and live together, you need to take steps to disentangle your lives.
Then he can have any crazy, self centred attitude he wants, and it won't affect you. You can't change him. You can change how he affects you.

XJerseyGirlX Wed 11-Oct-17 12:33:59

OMG OP, get rid of him. Your not with him but he wants your nan to pay to take him on holiday??? Go and see your nan, " not worth the aggro" are the words of someone who is defeated.

SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 12:34:22

Leeds2, our families don't know that (yet!) Though my family have an idea I think. Last year he didn't come with us as I didn't want him to, just just booked up for us, but felt bad doing it again.

SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 12:41:19

Not sure if it's relevant but I have total control over the money as he won't go shopping/pay bills. Just today when I mentioned that it was abusive to stop me seeing family, he said that I'm abusive over keeping money.
(Background info, when we went on holiday without him I got shopping in for him and left him £50 as he wouldn't specify how much he needed, but I thought as he goes nowhere he wouldn't need more than that-he thinks that was really bad of me eventhough he had £30 left when I came back

randomuntrainedcuntowner Wed 11-Oct-17 12:47:20

It sounds like you have a lovely, mutually beneficial relationship with your family - you help your nan out and when she comes into money she treats you...

This is normal and what is lovely about having family around. Your dp is toxic and selfish. Do your best to get rid, and soon.

knowsmorethansnow Wed 11-Oct-17 12:49:48

If your not together why is he going out for meals with your family and on holiday with them ?

SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 12:52:55

That's what I want to understand, why he thinks he should come. If nan invites us out I'll say "nans buying us dinner, you'll not want to come will you?". Sometimes he says no but others he will come. I know it's my fault for inviting him, but I just feel guilty I guess. (That we're having a nice dinner and he's having toast)

SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 12:55:41

He very much thinks about what other people think of him, so I don't think he wants his family to know about us splitting. Which is why he won't leave. Doesn't want to be seen a "failure"

Isetan Wed 11-Oct-17 13:00:27

You are no longer together, so quit caring what he thinks. Your focus should be getting him out, have you contacted the HA? You won't be the first person to split up whilst being in a joint tenancy.

Annelind Wed 11-Oct-17 13:02:21

Pandering to him like he's a spoilt helpless child isn't helping either of you. I 'get' social anxiety - but it doesn't stop him from tagging along on paid for holidays, does it? hmm

If you are no longer together as a couple, this must be very draining for you. You are not responible for him - so lose the 'guilt'. An exhausting and useless emotion in this scenario

Sparkletastic Wed 11-Oct-17 13:06:46

Yes - interesting how his social anxiety doesn’t stretch to free meals and holidays.
He is selfish, ungrateful and is trying to control you.
Tell his and your family that you have split up.
Make plans to wind up the joint business.
Get on with the rest of your life.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 11-Oct-17 13:07:56

Get him out. Give him notice to quit, and inform him that the police will remove him if he doesn't go.
There is no merit in pandering further to this useless, selfish manchild. Your family will be relieved to see the back of him as well as he has clearly been leeching off you and them for quite some time.

Fluffybrain Wed 11-Oct-17 13:14:05

Get him out. Speak to the housing association about it. His social anxiety and finances are not your problem anymore. Is he the father of your kids?

SerJorahsWhore Wed 11-Oct-17 13:38:44

Yes he's their dad. Just in b and q with nan now, I'll reply when I get bk.

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 11-Oct-17 16:44:17

Tell EVERYONE. Tell his family, your family, tell neighbours and friends and the milkman that you are no longer together - get some air into this split! You don't need to keep his secrets!

And stop telling him that your nan is paying for dinner - you just up and go. You don't tell him where you're going or when you'll be back, it's none of his business, because YOU AREN'T TOGETHER. I have a feeling he may be using his 'social anxiety' to control what you do (he can't make calls or go shopping, but he can go on holiday or out for meals? That's not really how it works...)

Then work on getting him gone.

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