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I am thinking of leaving...

(10 Posts)
HappyTappy123 Wed 11-Oct-17 09:55:19

I can't believe I am writing this on here but I feel I have no one else to turn to. I am thinking of leaving my partner. It has been a long time coming to be honest but over the past week a lot of things have come to ahead and I am sick of him.

We have been together for 8 years. We have a 7 year old together. Over these 7 years he has shown me very little support and I feel he constantly puts everyone but me and our child first.

I do not currently work and I feel so down about it. I am looking for jobs in school hours but I am unable to find anything. I have just completed a course and gained a qualification but I feel I have done it for nothing as I am unable to find a job with it at the present moment. I often get down and feel shit about not having a job, I try to tell my partner how I feel but he couldn't care less. He constantly reminds me that he works, he spends nearly all his wages on paying for me and our child and although we share a joint account for our main bills and food, he only gives me £20 to live off a month to get things like my hair cut, make up, Christmas and Birthday presents with.

He works a mix of night and day shifts which I hate but he does not seem to care about. I have asked him to change shifts, look for a new job but he has no interest in doing so. This means that I am unable to even look for a job in the evening as his shift work is irregular. I need something in the day which leaves me with not many options. I only need a part time job - anything that just gets me out making my own money.

My partner has a terrible temper and recently he has been getting stressed out. Mainly over his family. They look after his sisters child every week for 3-4 days but our child is never even asked about. His parents keep giving his sister handouts but we get nothing. I am not bitter about this - it is their loss and their money to choose what they do with it but I wonder if this is causing him stress? His other family members comment on the lack of involvement his parents and sister have with our child however he makes excuses for them over and over again which annoys me. I know this will never change though because he is so far up their arses.

This week I pulled him up on not being around for our child enough. When he is on shift work, he would rather go round his parents house on his days off than spend time with our child or me. It got pretty heated with him shouting at me about my own family (I see them once a week at the weekends if I am lucky) and I did tell him to fuck off away from me because I feel like he constantly makes digs at my family. They are much more supportive than himself or his family. At which point he decided he would launch a live electrical item in my direction and sulk downstairs.

After it happened, I didn't mention it as he has done other stuff to me before (not on this level but has pushed me over) and I can't be bothered with the arguments. From that point however I have been feeling pretty upset with him.

Last night whilst at work he rang me to tell me he was going to see his family tonight. I explained that he had promised our child he would put them to bed tonight - if he goes out he will not and we left it at that. I thought he may think about that however I knew deep down he wouldn't give a shit. When he got home I asked was he going out and he said yes. I explained that I felt he was letting our child down at which point he shouted at me calling me a cunt and stormed off.

In the past he has called me several names including a fat cunt. I have put a lot of weight on since I had our child and I feel shit enough about myself. I just feel calling me a cunt was hurtful and today I am upset about it. Maybe I shouldn't be? Maybe I should just see it as a word but I feel it is very disrespectful. This morning he is trying to be fine with me but I can barely talk to him. I don't want to be near him.

I am sick to death of being second best and at the moment I feel I parent our child on my own. My partner has missed parent evenings, doctor apps and out of 9 nights, he has seen his child only 3. He constantly lets our child down. I get he has to work but why not look for a new job that suits both of us? Why not bother with us on his days off? When he is on nights he sees our child for less than 35 mins in the morning before it is time for school - I take our child to school also. I have done every day since our child started school.

His argument is he provides for us. My point is whats the point of 'providing' if there is no supporting? I am sad and I don't know how to make things better. I worry if we split up I will have nothing. We don't own our house. I have no income. sad

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 10:11:15

Call Womens Aid today - 0808 2000 247
The phone number will not appear on your bill.
You will be entitled to benefits, tax credits, housing etc...
They can help you with that and an exit plan.
And also your delightfully abusive asshole of a BF will need to pay maintenance.
Could you move in with your family for now?
You need to get yourself and your DD well away from this vile creature.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 10:13:13

Oh - and get your CV typed up nicely, get yourself dressed up nicely and get out there and find a job.
Students have all gone back now so there will be lunchtime jobs around in pubs and restaurants.
Go in yourself and ask about vacancies and then ask to speak to the manager directly.
You can do it!
Or set up your own little business like a cleaning business that you can do in school hours.

GlitterSparkles17 Wed 11-Oct-17 10:25:18

If you split you would get help with tax credits and also maintenance payments from him. You should be receiving child benefit so where is that money going? He gives you £20 a month for “luxuries”, what a joke.

He’s treating you appallingly, and his Child even more so.

Please don’t be afraid to leave, what you have right now is not a happy relationship, he’s a shit dad but you know this already.

Can you move in with your family until you get on your feet? Please confide in them, I’m betting they would be horrified to hear how he treats you and his child.

GlitterSparkles17 Wed 11-Oct-17 10:26:26

You could start to look for a part time job, work during school hours, get yourself out there meet new people, you will feel like a new person.

Cricrichan Wed 11-Oct-17 10:30:33

Absolutely leave him. Then you can look for whatever job you want and he'll have to not only.Pay more but will have to look after his child on his own on.his days. You'll get benefits to.bridge the gap in your income.

HappyTappy123 Wed 11-Oct-17 10:49:32

I should have mentioned the £20 left also has to pay for fuel in my car so I don't go out very often.

In terms of going to my family, this is not a option. They have no space for us. My mum does listen to what I have to say but I think she has even had enough of hearing about what he does and says. Last night she told me not to even say anything to him about letting our son down because I would rock the boat. Why should I worry about rocking any boat when our child is concerned. His feelings are the main thing that matter in my life.

Child benefit goes into our joint account.

GlitterSparkles17 Wed 11-Oct-17 11:05:28

So he has you right where he wants you then doesn’t he. Trapped, stuck at home, live in nanny and maid. He can come and go as he pleases. Except if you left you would be taking control and carving a better life for yourself. Yes it’s going to be unbelievably tough to start with for money and sorting out a routine for him to see his child but in the long run you are going to be so much happier, can you imagine the this being your life forever? Please don’t stay just because of money, chuck him out, get on the phone to tax credits today to see what you would be entitled to.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 11:22:26

So your mums reaction shows us why you put up with this.
It's all you know.
It's not right.
Get your own account set up today and get child benefit put in there.
Have a chat with CAB and find out what you are entitled to.
Women's aid can help you as well.
You need to get out.
This is not a good relationship example to set your DD
She will end up in the same situation you are in if you don't show her how things should be.
You can do it.
Really you can.

Brahms3rdracket Wed 11-Oct-17 12:32:50

This sounds shit op. You're not overreacting at being called a cunt, I've been with DP for over 20 years and never had to tolerate that. He used to sometimes tell me to fuck off in an argument out of frustration. I told him that upset me more than the original argument, so he never did it again. You should expect kindness and respect from your partner.

With regard to you getting out and improving job prospects have a look at do-it.org. It has loads of volunteer opportunities that could help you gain the experience you may be lacking.

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