Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How would you interpret this?

(15 Posts)
FritzDonovan Wed 11-Oct-17 09:49:24

Seems a bit weird to me...
Had been away by myself with the kids for a few days, got home yesterday. Dh and I dtd last night, bit of hand action going on before anything else. Afterwards I noticed an odd smell on my hand, which I commented on and asked about. To me, it had a distinctive powdery/floral wet wipe type smell. Odd. I wouldn't have commented except it was so different from normal, and pretty obvious to me. He said he'd had a shower the day before and it was that, but I've not noticed it before, and he'd done a 3 hr total commute and full day at work in between.
Anyway, today he told me he'd been looking through mumsnet to try and find the post which had 'set me off' and started me 'sniffing'. Apparently he remembers reading an article a few years ago (somewhere) on tips to find out if your husband is having an affair. One tip was sniffing (pants/crotch?) and he thought I must have read a thread, sniffed him, then convinced myself I smelt something so I could accuse him.
Before you ask, yes, he has done something dodgy in the past, was also emotionally remote a while back, which caused arguments recently. And after I read the thread on stage does in Amsterdam, I asked him about his past trip there. (All he said was they went to some bars in the red light district.) However, I genuinely sniffed my hand because there was an unusual smell there.
I know this sounds weird. What would you think is going on in his head?

FritzDonovan Wed 11-Oct-17 09:50:34

Stag dos, not stage does!!

KityGlitr Wed 11-Oct-17 09:53:51

I'm confused by the last sentence 'what do you think is going on in his head'... how could anyone know but him? He could be thinking anything from 'I've done nothing wrong, wish I'd used a different shower gel to save fhis hassle' to 'shit, better be more careful when shagging around next time'.

The real issue here is you don't trust him, and rightly so if he's cheated before. Without trust you don't have a relationship. If I smelled a floral scent on my OH my mind wouldn't jump to infidelity, I'd probably comment as it's unusual or tell him he smells nice and think nothing more of it. The fact you've jumped to him cheating shows you don't trust him and neither would I.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 09:55:25

I'd think he needed to wet wipe his dick to get the smell of OW off of it!?
It's a standard thing a lot of cheaters do.

FritzDonovan Wed 11-Oct-17 10:05:01

kityglitr yeah, previously I wouldn't have given it a second thought either. Until this last shit storm happened. No new shower gel that I'm aware of. The usual certainly doesn't last 24 hrs fresh down there!
hells that's the first thought that sprung to mind, though I don't see how he could have fit it into his day, unless it was at work or when he went out to the shop for half an hour.

Myheartbelongsto Wed 11-Oct-17 10:05:39

If he had a shower the day before maybe he gave it a quick wipe before sex. Maybe he had a wank.

What he should of done is have a shower.

FritzDonovan Wed 11-Oct-17 10:08:44

The what do I think is going on in his head bit referred to him practically telling me he was looking for confirmation that I am convincing myself something is there when it isn't, ie going mental.

GlitteryFluff Wed 11-Oct-17 10:19:03

It's definitely odd for you to mention a smell, and then for him to then jump to you must be thinking he's doing something untoward. He's jumped to that pretty quickly which makes me think it is suspicious iykwim.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 11-Oct-17 10:28:40

I think it sounds like he might be cheating. Firstly the smell, but more than that the behaviour afterwards. All you did was comment on the smell. Nothing more. His response then is almost funny - like a guilty child shouting 'no I didn't put the chair there and climb up to get the sweets and eat them, no I didn't do that!' when all mummy has asked is why is the chair moved grin

So very guilty behaviour. But then he's cheated before, so what else is there to say? You know he is capable of it so that leaves you where it leaves you. It just has to be up to you what you do about that- stay or think about going.

One thing though. A husband who is a proven cheat having the fucking cheek to comment that something has 'set you off' and started you 'sniffing'? That more than anything else would have him booted out of the door before you could say 'behaviour has consequences'.

FritzDonovan Wed 11-Oct-17 11:12:56

Hmm. It's hard not to have doubts when everything (which I cannot prove) is denied. The initial dodgy behavior (which I have posted about before) was him taking a condom away to a work conference and returning without it. Apparently he had second thoughts and threw it away while there so I wouldn't find out he'd taken one... Got through that by giving him the benefit of the doubt, but am lately feeling like I've been taken for a mug since then. That run at be an unfair judgement, but I'm very uncomfortable with being told I am imagining or making up things (when he remembers things differently to me).

Changedname3456 Wed 11-Oct-17 11:17:28

Going to the bother of “remembering” a MN post about sniffing pants and showing you that? Suggests a guilty conscience IMO.

Liars will often try to over-egg the pudding if they think they’ve been caught out, adding lots of detail to try and make it a convincing story. If it hadn’t been anything to worry about he’d have left it at “it was the shower gel”

Of course, it may be that he just had a wank and cleaned up after himself, but presumably that would have been at home - do you have wet wipes in?

GlitteryFluff Wed 11-Oct-17 11:17:58

He took a condom away as he was planning to cheat but then changed his mind and threw it out?
Even if that's the whole truth that would be enough to send him on his merry way IMO. The intention was there.
But he probably did use it and he's not told you that.
He's making you feel like you're going crazy but I don't think you are.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 11:28:09

That's called gaslighting and it's abuse!
You are too trusting and too forgiving.
So he can do what he likes.
Then gaslights you and it's all back to normal.
Great for him!

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Wed 11-Oct-17 12:00:06

The fact that he went straight onto Mumsnet suggests he's trying to throw you off the scent (pun intended!). Presumably he's reading this?

My XH smelt of OW and swore blind it was in my head - some sort of olfactory hallucination grin. I've never had one since leaving him - funny that!

JWrecks Thu 12-Oct-17 14:13:19

His reaction - trying to throw it onto you and make it look like it's all in your head because "you're crazy" - is the most telling thing in all of this. An innocent, and decent, man would have a rational explanation, not a weird defence to throw in your face.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now