Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why is he so unsupportive?

(34 Posts)
perrypausal Wed 11-Oct-17 08:02:19

Ok some back story. I was fairly high in my profession when I had my 2 and 3 child. So given my partner worked very long hours, was often away from home and earns enough to support us I gave up my job to stay at home.

My youngest are now both at school and so I joined out PTA, if I’m honest for frieanda and a social circle more than anything. Yesterday I was asked to take the roll as Lead Chair and will be voted in tomorrow night at the meeting. I was so pleased. For so long now I have felt a bit like an employee at home. I also was given the chance of some part time free lance work by a local small company.

I have said to my other half many times over the last few months that I’d love to do something...... be that study, set up on my own....anything so both these opportunities are brilliant for me.

He isn’t so keen. To the point that I don’t really even talk about them because he will be critical or unencouraging (sp) last night I told him about the PTA thing and he went silent didn’t talk the rest of the night. This morning I just asked was he unhappy about it and he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

I just don’t understand why? I would never in a million years stop him doing something he wanted to. He has real freedom here. He goes away to watch his sport. He can do what he likes.

I’m going to force a conversation on this tonight. Can you give me any advice on how to convince him and B. How to not cry cos that would really piss me off. 🙂

Any men around I’d love to hear your views too.

Thanks peeps.

AdalindSchade Wed 11-Oct-17 08:06:32

Because he's a chauvinist man who thinks you should be at home to cater to his every wish and should be happy to do so. Sorry

Shoxfordian Wed 11-Oct-17 08:07:16

What's his problem with it? Is it that you will be out of the house and he'll have to do some childcare or housework? If so then he's being unreasonable

I think both sound like good opportunities so don't feel guilted into not doing them

Quartz2208 Wed 11-Oct-17 08:12:54

Sounds like he does not want to do the childcare!

perrypausal Wed 11-Oct-17 08:17:35

I don’t think Childcare is the issue as both opportunities are when the kids are at school. I will still do all pick ups and all drop offs. I’ll still do everything I do now. I just don’t get it. How do I even approach this.

Missingstreetlife Wed 11-Oct-17 08:22:54

Doesn't want you independent ant to meet people. Git.
Stand your ground, don't stand any nonsense

Shoxfordian Wed 11-Oct-17 08:45:57

If it's not childcare then I don't see what his issue is really. Going off and sulking isn't exactly helpful. He sounds very difficult

Butterymuffin Wed 11-Oct-17 08:55:24

What's he previously been like when you've gone out without him with friends, that sort of thing?

Was he very keen for you to stay at home?

pog100 Wed 11-Oct-17 08:59:17

From his entirely selfish point of view he loses your total dependence on him and his status as the big I am is dented. He might potentially have to step up to do more parenting, will lose control of 'your' money and might occasionally be seen as the husband of the PTA chair. It is a change from the status quo and one he sees as a negative one. It speaks volumes about his attitude to the 'partnership' of your marriage. I am a man, I recognise certain of these feelings but I hope they were far outweighed by the obvious positives to my wife and I was certainly genuinely pleased when she re-entered paid employment.

midnightmisssuki Wed 11-Oct-17 09:17:06

Jealousy. I think anyway.I suppose in the olden days, it was the men who went out to work - held the higher positions, brought home the bacon. You say you held a high position? Higher than him? Earning more than him? Perhaps he felt jealous, threatened, worthless. Then when you gave it all up - he became top dog again. All good. You took over the kids and became the doting wife/mother etc. Now, youve been voted to be lead chair (congrats btw!) and have been offered some freelance work, he probably feels this is just the beginning, that you'll find yourself in a higher position again and he doesnt want that. He wants to be the alpha-male, the top dog. Not you. Horribly immature and selfish of him.

I think its horrid btw - he is your husband and should support you. I would be having words with him. Something like this woud be a deal breaker (for me).

Penfold007 Wed 11-Oct-17 09:22:38

If he won't need to start caring for his own children then what is there to discuss? You refer to his as your partner to I am assuming your not married and possibly financially vulnerable. Personally I'd start the freelance work and securing your future, if you also have time for the PTA then great.

femfemlicious Wed 11-Oct-17 09:26:08

If I were you, I would just go back to work especially since you are not married

ReanimatedSGB Wed 11-Oct-17 09:30:01

Because he doesn't think women are really people, I'm afraid. As far as he's concerned, you're somewhere between a pet and a domestic appliance, so he's not at all keen on you getting 'ideas above your station' like thinking you might be listened to and valued by other people.
I suggest leaving him to his sulks for the moment and doing the things you want to do. He may realise how ridiculous and pathetic he is being, and improve his behaviour, but I think you need to be ready for trouble. There will be nitpicking about the standard of housework. There will be a lot of 'unexpected' incidents which mean that you can't go to a meeting because he can't do childcare that night after all.
There may be mockery and criticism of you in a variety of ways (your appearance, your 'ignorance of the real world', something the children have said about not liking it when you go out.)

Woman-hating men are often 'good' partners for a long time, as long as the woman they believe they own is obedient, respectful and quiet. They only show their true colours when something changes and she starts to act as though she believes she's an actual person...

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 11-Oct-17 09:30:15

So you were together and had Child 1 when you were still high up in your profession? How was he then? Did he like your status and earning power or was he a bit resentful and did he push for you to stay at home with subsequent children (even if subtly, by taking jobs that would mean he would be away/travelling a lot more thereby meaning you would have to take up the slack at home)?

Sounds as though he just doesn't want the status quo rocked. He's happy with what he has and is worried that you are disatisfied and wanting more.

FinallyHere Wed 11-Oct-17 09:32:30

Lets give him the benefit of the doubt, at least until he has made his position clear.

It could well be that he has enjoyed the time, while he and the family have had the benefit of the total focus of your attention. Who would not enjoy that? His refusal to talk could be a cold, calculating move to exercise control over you, or it could be a decent human recognising that he has enjoyed these days more than you, knows he now needs to support and be happy for you spreading your wings again and needs 'a moment' to put aside his initial, selfish response, in which he deserves 'some' credit for noticing that his first reaction is wrong,

Whatever your background, as a SAHP you have had a lot of experience helping 'people' grow from the self absorption of a new born through toddlerhood and beyond.

I'd start by treating him as an adult, to give him a chance to talk through his concerns and work out a new pattern for your lives together. Maybe he was hoping to spend more of your free time on glamorous holidays together. Let him tell you his side of the story (I am particularly weak at remembering to do this, so its the first thing i think of in suggesting a way forward for anyone).

and switch to breezy 'this is what is happening' if he doesn't get with the programme. Good luck.

MagicFajita Wed 11-Oct-17 09:35:05

I am reminded of a certain Harry Enfield sketch when I read about your partner...

Seriously though , if he has genuine concerns I'm sure he's adult enough to discuss then with you. Otherwise it looks like he might be sulking.

cakecakecheese Wed 11-Oct-17 09:35:45

It's bad enough that he's not supporting you but the fact that he won't discuss it makes it worse. If he stated his actual objections to you then you could discuss it properly instead he's pretty much just sulking. Does this happen a lot? Do you usually back down because he has the hump?

stripysleeves Wed 11-Oct-17 09:42:12

DP says "he's being a dick. Women should do what they like not be made to hang about in houses. This is the 21st century not the 18th"

I say you need to be clear what you want but don't expect to be able to get him to agree or make it easy for you. Explore why he feels as he does but don't compromise on what are reasonable aspirations. You don't need his permission to join the PTA or to study or to work.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 11-Oct-17 09:45:24

Ok you asked for advice so this is what I’d do (ignore it if it’s not for you)

Boundaries. Act in a way AS IF you’re entitled to be respected and can do what you want. No whinging or crying or asking for a discussion- I think this is giving your power away. Get on with your goals and say things like ‘I expect a supportive partner’. If he shuts down and is silent ignore the manipulation. Properly ignore it, as if it isn’t happening.

There’s too much chasing him in this. flowers

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 09:50:26

In honest answer to your threat title question..
Because he's a selfish cunt who wants you completely dependent on him and around for him whenever he wants you.

So I don't think you can tackle it.
Just do your own thing and let him get on with sulking.
If the sulking continues stop doing things for him.
He can do his own washing and cooking and shopping and cleaning and tidying, if he can't even be arsed to be kind the person who does all this for him.

Rednailsandnaeknickers Wed 11-Oct-17 10:06:42

Why do you “need” to discuss it? Do you feel you need his permission to do these new things in your life? Is he your master? Or do you mean discuss his lack of support, sorry I’m tired and it’s not quite clear to me.

If it’s (a) I would be telling him that it’s happening and you expect his support, not his sulks. Sounds like he needs to take a look at himself and his selfishness.

If it’s (b) I’m not entirely sure you will get his support for reasons other posters have outlined (you are rocking his top dog, she needs me, status quo) but I do find digging my nails severely into my palms and weirdly squeezing my tummy in really hard (also clenching bum) does help stop instant tears.

CakesRUs Wed 11-Oct-17 10:10:17

Good for you, it can be boring being at home all the time, as you say, you felt like an employee and you've gone and done something about it. Id definitely have your talk with him tonight.

TheSockGoblin Wed 11-Oct-17 10:16:41

It does sound like jealousy or feeling threatened in some way by you doing things which are independant of being a wife and mother.

Not a good attitude.

How supportive was he of you working when you had your first? How would he be if you decided to go back part-time now the kids are older?

This may not have come up before because you were on board with giving up work with your first and subsequently have been very focused on the children and being a SAHM (at least that's how it sounds from your OP).

Brown76 Wed 11-Oct-17 10:42:19

It may be that he's anticipating this as the beginning of the end of a set up that was quite easy for him, and that these opportunities will lead to you taking up a full time job (and him having to lose some of his freedom)? Maybe he can't articulate this?

Anyway, it's not your problem, you are entitled to use YOUR time to do whatever you want to.

If you want to have a big chat, I'd say: "since I announced my good news you've seemed really annoyed. Are you annoyed?" Obviously don't change what you're doing but I would be quite blunt.

Isetan Fri 13-Oct-17 13:41:04

The price of being with this man is this, stop asking approval from someone who doesn’t approve. I do not know why he’s unsupportive but it is your choice if you let it hold you back.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: