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Couples who argue vs couples who don't normal or werid

(28 Posts)
Thinkcalmthoughts Wed 11-Oct-17 00:11:01

Been single for years but now in a relationship nearly a year now we've been together and coukdnt be happier
Though is it normal we haven't had a fight or argument

My mum and dad never did only the odd occasion but the way I see it he hadn't done anything to cause a disagreement in the first place but is it normal for couples not to fight etc

Casmama Wed 11-Oct-17 00:16:42

I think it depends. If he does something that irritates you or hurts your feelings and you feel comfortable addressing it with him and his response is apologetic then there is no reason to argue. It should obviously work the other way round too.
If on the other hand you avoid saying things to him because you are scared to or worried about upsetting him then I think that is an issue?
In short, respect and discussion are good, suppressing feelings to,avoid rocking the boat is not

Thinkcalmthoughts Wed 11-Oct-17 00:21:57

Just we were on the phone talking and mentioned that's us nearly at the year stage and we haven't had a agrument yet

(My other half stays at his place Mon to wed then mine Thurs to mon)

Just got me thinking if there's any other couples out there that haven't had a fight yet or if it's just strange

Gingersstuff Wed 11-Oct-17 00:27:52

I've been with my husband 22 years and we've never had a fight. Seriously. Strong words spoken now and again but whatever the issue is we talk it through. And we're neither of us afraid to say exactly how we feel. And believe me, life has thrown us a few curved balls, it's not like we've had a cushy ride. So yes, it's perfectly possible to not fight in a relationship.

rachrach2 Wed 11-Oct-17 00:29:32

My husband and I don’t argue. We have had minor irritations when one of us is tired but nothing that’s caused either of us to shout/cry/withdraw etc, just a little snap and we know each other well enough to stop it escalating. We generally agree and are both considerate and also both good communicators. I’ve always argued with exes so meeting him was a total breath of fresh air. Sounds like you’re in a great relationship!

Lagerthaisfabulous Wed 11-Oct-17 06:17:50

There isnt a clear cut answer to this.

My aunty passed away a few years ago. Everyone taled about how her and her hsuband never had a crossed word and how blissfully happy they were. They werent. He did what he wanted and she just went along with it. She resented him and was miserable

Me and dh dont really argue. But we do both speak our mind. Neither feels judged by the others feelings.

Some couples argue but are essentially happy. Some arent.

You need to undeestand the reasons why people do or dont argue. Its difderent for everyone.

jeaux90 Wed 11-Oct-17 06:21:37

I don't argue with my partner either but then we have a similar situation to you OP, we are not living together we see each other a couple of nights a week. I have no intention of that changing as it's bliss grin

annandale Wed 11-Oct-17 06:24:25

Dhabi and I never argue but for sure we have disagreed. It's not always a good thing but for us we hate conflict too much to argue and I think on the whole it works for us, I think we both think 'do I really care about this enough to have a row' and actually very few things in life pass that test for us. Mostly we can move on though some scars do get left.

What I would say is, don't start feeling like your identity as a couple is tied up with not arguing. If you can learn to argue well that's a real skill.

Parmesanity Wed 11-Oct-17 06:24:53

We don't fight, though we've had a fair share of ups and downs. We do have strong words and often don't agree on things, but for the big stuff generally we share common ground.

We frustrate one another regularly I'm certain, but arguing isn't our style.

smellybeanpole Wed 11-Oct-17 06:28:49

Me and dh argue like cats and dogs. Usually ending with a giggle and major drop from very intense arguing to a very normal tone and back to chit chat mode. Been together for 24 years been arguing for most of it. Love him to bits though. grin

NoMapOfMyHead Wed 11-Oct-17 06:30:28

Why do you need to know what is normal or not?... There are varying degree of normal. But if you're happy, what's the issue?

Evelynismyspyname Wed 11-Oct-17 06:44:59

DH and I have been together 17 years, and the first argument we had was during our second year living together I think, when wed been together 3 years (we moved in together pretty quickly as we were living in different countries...)

We mostly agree on big issues. We have disagreements but don't fight or have big arguments very often.

I actually love to argue blush but DH doesn't, and I'm not sure a partner relationship with a lot of arguing would work for me. It does for some people though.

My parents had proper fights (not physically! But shouting and my mother would get out of the car in a traffic jam because they'd fought and she was storming off). That was really crap for us as kids and I'm glad my kids don't see DH and I do that, and that we never want or need to fight like that. I think it's more down to DH's temperament than mine though - sometimes the most frustrating thing about DH is that he won't tell me what his opinion is, especially on issues to do with the kids.

Not arguing is a good thing as long as you aren't biting your tongue all the time so as not to upset one another. If you just mostly agree great! If you're unhappily going along with things you don't agree with so as not to rock the boat it's awful and hideous and far better to have a good argument and get things straight!

BoredOnMatLeave Wed 11-Oct-17 06:54:01

Me and DP didn't argue once in the first 2 years. We've had a few arguements since we've had DD (all about him pulling his weight). But they aren't like the agreements that I've had in previous relationships, walking out of the house, proper shouting etc. I'd say we are normal

User7628 Wed 11-Oct-17 07:25:42

I think in the first year there are fewer arguments anyway

Desmondo2016 Wed 11-Oct-17 07:53:12

7 years in and no fights or real arguments here. A couple of strong exchanges of differing opinions. A lot of times I pointed how why I was grumpy and he generally acknowledges and accepts that!

corythatwas Wed 11-Oct-17 07:57:46

It depends on whether not arguing is just a natural way of living out your personalities or caused by fear and repression of feelings.

Dh and I don't argue much, but then we are both quite laidback and lazy. Part of it is probably also a conscious decision: we both really hate constant arguing and a tense atmosphere so we try to find something to laugh about while still acknowledging a disagreement. I think that's probably different from a situation where nobody speaks out because they are afraid of their partner's reaction or think it might be used against them.

Adelie0404 Wed 11-Oct-17 08:01:51

We have very similar (liberal) views and agree on almost everything. Nauseating! But true. So we rarely disagree, let alone argue. He is a better person than me (e.g. donates to food banks, charities, likes hassling our tory MP) and NEVER EVER complains when I am must later home from work than I said and don't phone (to be fair it's in the nature of the job - surgeon). And he's a great Dad, adored by our girls.

Melony6 Wed 11-Oct-17 08:05:18

We have rows but I would say it is because we were both brought up to not show our emotions and if we just explained what was wrong at the time the rows wouldn't happen but as we are old gimmers it is hard to change.

eurochick Wed 11-Oct-17 08:06:10

We've had about three arguments in fifteen years. We are both litigators and I read something years ago about litigators avoiding conflict in their personal lives. It's certainly true for us!

One of our three arguments was a real humdinger. About a doormat in the middle of B and Q... I'm not sure why that made the cut over all the other irritations of coupledom.

NaiceBiscuits Wed 11-Oct-17 08:39:56

There are different types of arguing though?

Unhealthy dynamics:

- One person refuses to admit when they're annoyed, so always says they're fine. Other person knows and tries to get person 1 to open up. Person 2 gets frustrated and grumpy, feeling that person 1 is lying. Argument happens.

- Person 1 tells person 2 that doing X makes them sad/worried. Person 2 says they won't do X. Person 2 keeps doing X. Cycle repeats until person 1 gets angry. Argument happens.

- Person 1 likes drama. Person 1 creates situations where they are the victim or need rescuing. And make another person into the scapegoat/persecutor. Argument happens (either directly, or someone else steps in to take their part)

- Person 1 is volatile. Person 2 is never sure when they'll be lovely, or when they'll kick off. Person 2 is walking on eggshells trying not to 'provoke' the next outburst

- Person 1 likes to 'win' an argument rather than reach a compromise, or to listen to person 2's feelings. Person 1 will not stop until they feel they have won in some way. They care more about winning, than about how person 2 feels.

Looneytune253 Wed 11-Oct-17 08:44:21

To be fair me and dh didn’t argue for the first few years at all. We do now but never massively serious. Think it comes to us all once you have kids and bills and stresses etc. Doesn’t make us unhappy

tigercub50 Wed 11-Oct-17 09:06:30

I would say that DH & I don’t argue as such but DH can almost “ engineer” conflict where it isn’t necessary. It happens a lot less now, otherwise I think we might have split up over it ( and other stuff which I have discussed at length on here). It’s pretty much always when I raise something I’m unhappy with eg the way DH has spoken to me & he gets defensive then I end up being made to feel responsible for starting an argument! But we never have big humdingers with slammed doors, yelling, leaving the house etc. I have to admit, I don’t really believe people who say they never have a cross word.

TonicAndTonic Wed 11-Oct-17 09:11:31

DP and I did most of our arguing in the first couple of years of our relationship I think. It's rare for us to argue much now, I think we've just got better at communicating with each other. We disagree on plenty of things, just try not to escalate it! DC1 is due early next year though, that might change things wink

Mustang27 Wed 11-Oct-17 10:45:49

Swings and roundabouts. If it works for you dont knock it enjoy.

Arguments are draining and up your cortisol level which isn’t great for your health so I’d be happy on the no argument front.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Oct-17 11:25:45

I don't see the point in arguing.
It usually resolves nothing.
I was with my ExH for 15 years and we didn't argue.
He tried stonewalling but I soon put a stop to that.
Told him we were grown ups and we talk about things.
We then agree to disagree or we compromise.
It's quite simple.
Some people love the drama and thrive on it and that works for them.
Not for me though.
Never argued with my ExP either.

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