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If your marriage felt like a disaster in the first year, did it survive? Worried i have wrongly advised my step brother...

(51 Posts)
user1499590110 Tue 10-Oct-17 22:26:28

let's call my step brother steve. steve is married to sophie. they got married 8 months ago. even before the marriage, sophie suffered from depression, and as a result, she played no part whatsoever in planning the wedding etc, and steve did it all. i have known steve since i was about 4 - we have pretty much been best friends since then - , and he and sophie were together 2 years before marriage.

since they got married, i had endless calls, texts, skype chats with steve, telling me he couldnt cope with sophie's depression, and if he had known it would be this bad before they married, he wouldnt have married her. recently, he's told me she's getting better, but he has fallen out of love with her. theyve had sex less than 5 times since they married (and yes, this is exactly the sort of chat i could do without!!).

i told him to talk to her - he did. he said he didnt feel the same about her, she said it was all her fault etc etc. they went to couples counselling, (only just started), theyre trying to fix it. then this morning he calls me in a complete state telling me he thinks he's fallen for a colleague. i am exhausted with the drama... i don't feel like i can keep supporting him.

steve is not an irrational person. he's very quiet and sincere, and i genuinely believe he has developed feelings for this colleague that are more than a distraction from his current life. as a result, i advised him to end the marriage if he really thought he was falling in love with someone else. this has now led to him having some sort of personal crisis - he hates himself, he wants it to work with sophie because he's embarrassed, he's a bad person, how could he have done this etc etc etc. asking me if he should carry on trying with sophie, then tells me he cant see it lasting. and so it goes round.

i told him marriage shouldnt be this difficult, and if they havent been happy since before the wedding and it is only 8 months in, it's unlikely to get better. i now feel like a terrible person for saying this. i just dont know what to say anymore.

CocoaIsGone Tue 10-Oct-17 22:30:35

So Steve planned a wedding for Sophie, who was too depressed to participate in the planning? Did she even want to get married?

user1499590110 Tue 10-Oct-17 22:35:35

yes she very much wanted to marry him and still wants to make it work.

Sodaface Tue 10-Oct-17 22:37:36

It’s onky been 8 months! Tell them both to get a grip & at least try and make it work.

user1499590110 Tue 10-Oct-17 22:38:50

he says hes been trying to make it work for the 8 months. at which point i said it shouldnt be like that.

Justoneme Tue 10-Oct-17 22:49:35

I don't believe that's the whole story ...

Are you in love with Steve?

BackInTheRoom Tue 10-Oct-17 22:50:25

Thing is Steve has feelings for someone else so he's disconnecting from his DW now and he'll be busy re-writing history to fit his new narrative 🤔

user1499590110 Tue 10-Oct-17 22:52:45

no im definitely not in love with steve!!! but i knew that was coming... ;)

i just dont know what to say anymore and it is ruining my relationship with him. now starting to think i have spoken out of turn and essentially said his marriage is shit.

JoanLenin Tue 10-Oct-17 22:57:50

It's not your marriage and not your problem to solve. They are both grown ups and should decide their future themselves. Stay out of this.

beesandknees Tue 10-Oct-17 22:59:39

How old are they?

I strongly suggest you take a step way back. Steve needs to go to see a therapist and take responsibility for his own choices. It sounds like he has basically been begging you to give him permission to end his marriage. This situation is toxic, do not be drawn any further into it.

Fwiw, him planning a wedding with someone too depressed to participate in planning, and then going through with it all, was never going to end well. Only someone with significant issues would have gone ahead and done something like that. I sense Steve has big big issues that you are not helping with by staying part of the conversation.

user1499590110 Tue 10-Oct-17 23:04:26

beesandknees - i tend to agree. he does have other issues that i didnt want to bring to the thread as i want an objective view, but suffice to say he struggled ALOT growing up as his mother upped and left and he has never seen her since. it has left him with all sorts of insecurity.

hes 30 and shes 31. i didnt know that she had little involvement in the wedding as hes a very proud person and it's only recently i learned the truth about everything pre marriage. the mind boggles as to why he went ahead with it - he said he was questioning it even before the day.

agree i should stay out of it, but he only has me and my mum to look out for him as family. he has no other family.

beesandknees Tue 10-Oct-17 23:08:39

This level of detail is not normal to share with one's family regarding one's marriage. He needs to go to a counselor, priest, someone like that. You and your mother are too close to him to be able to help.

user1499590110 Tue 10-Oct-17 23:11:29

not sure i agree as i tell our mum almost everything too. but yes he needs a counsellor, i have suggested this.

PrimalLass Tue 10-Oct-17 23:23:56

This level of detail is not normal to share with one's family regarding one's marriage.

Don't be ridiculous.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 10-Oct-17 23:42:37

Mine didn't, no.

Different issues but we'd been together much longer than these two before we married and we struggled on till a bit after our second anniversary and then I moved out and never went back.

arsenaltilidie Tue 10-Oct-17 23:50:57

Instead of beating around the bush just give your step-brother support to leave the marriage.
Its only been 8 months and he has already cheated and he sounds terribly unhappy.

TatianaLarina Wed 11-Oct-17 00:10:12

You said the right thing.

He’s made a mistake, he can’t cope with her level of depression, he had misgivings before the wedding. He’s fallen for someone else because his marriage isn’t working. It’s ok for him to leave.

NewDaddie Wed 11-Oct-17 00:12:54

The first year of marriage is ALWAYS hard. I was with dw for 12 years before we got married. We lived and owned property together, on the outside people thought our marriage was a smooth and easy transition. Even I didn't think getting married would even make that much of a difference to our relationship.

I was so wrong.

It was like a tornado swept through our relationship. Everything has a different meaning when it's forever... like forever ever (ever ever). My occasional farting borderline clinical flatuence suddenly became a divorce worthy offence and there were many other problems but we got through it by communicating loads and being honest and fair to each other.

We're now looking forward to forever ever (ever ever).

TatianaLarina Wed 11-Oct-17 00:18:55

We didn’t find it hard, I think it really depends.

NewDaddie Wed 11-Oct-17 00:21:02

As for starting an affair with the OW that is a massive mistake. He's being a coward and looking for an easy escape. If he actually loves the OW he should FIRST end his marriage in a responsible and respectful way.

And he is a bad person for abusing the trust of a mentally vulnerable person. No excuses.

AngeloMysterioso Wed 11-Oct-17 04:27:57

he couldnt cope with sophie's depression, and if he had known it would be this bad before they married, he wouldnt have married her.

So he loves her enough to marry her, but not enough to support her through MH issues. Nice bloke.

mogulfield Wed 11-Oct-17 04:40:45

For me the first year was easy, you’re freshly married and there aren’t kids yet! You have the novelty of being married as well. If he’s finding it this hard now that’s not good.
I think you’ve given good advice, and if they’re at counselling they’re trying the right things.
My brother would confide it me like this too, it’s what families do.

hiddenmnetter Wed 11-Oct-17 05:30:02

He needs to make a decision. Right now he sounds like an immature adult. He needs to understand that this is an axis for his life: he can choose to commit to the oaths he swore or he can choose to walk away. Now he understands her level of depression he knows what he's actually getting himsel in for.

He can choose to remain a child who runs away from problems or he can choose to shoulder the responsibility of an adult relationship and grow up. It doesn't matter who you marry, at some point or another, this choice will present itself. There's no doubt what he's going through will be tough and he'll need support but many people can and do cope with situations like this.

100% this relationship with the colleague is a distraction. He needs to not speak to or see her as much as possible in his work situation. He will never be able to make a clear decision with this over his head.

He swore oaths. He said in sickness and in health. Remind him of that and ask him if he wants to remain a baby forever. What happened with his mum is shit, and it will make things harder but he's an adult and it's time to grow up.

Real, adult happiness doesn't come from a charmed life. It comes from the strength of character forged by making and sticking to difficult decisions.

He's trying to use this other relationship to avoid making a decision he wants to make. Look if he wants to choose to end the marriage then that's on him- but he should make that decision, not let it fall on him. Otherwise he's just being a baby. Time to grow up.

Wallywobbles Wed 11-Oct-17 06:00:00

Mine was terrible from the beginning stuck it out for 3 years to give it a proper try. Then divorced.

ThePeanutGallery Wed 11-Oct-17 06:10:15

Yes, the first year (and actually from a couple of months before the wedding) were hell with my DH. He has OCD and it was undiagnosed at the time. The stress of the marriage made it all worse and he was unhealthily obsessed with a few things that made our lives horrible. I kicked him out, and told him I wouldn't let him back unless we went to couples counselling. We did and the counselor told him to get a diagnosis and get on meds. He did. Things got way better (there's been ups and downs with the med's of course, but those are to be expected) and we are now going on 8 years married with two beautiful DC's.

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