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Selfish/passive in bed

(37 Posts)
Gimmeareason Tue 10-Oct-17 19:32:15

I feel like my boyfriend is selfish in bed. He's a great guy out of it! :,-D A really nice, sweet, funny and dare I say it completely fucking hot guy!

But in bed its just like.....meh. He's in his 30s so should know better. He's just so boring and uninspiring, there seems to be no kind of playfulness or anything, he just kind of waits for me to lead and take things down a certain route. I have to actually ask and guide him towards doing some stuff and its like come on now. You're a grown up and we've been together a year.

Basically I want him to take control and dominate more, but you cant really ASK for that can you?! Since ot kind of misses the point...

Any experience? Our relationship is otherwise great.

RedForFilth Tue 10-Oct-17 19:40:54

Why can't you ask for it? If you're comfortable enough to have sex with him you should be comfortable enough to talk about it. Start by asking him if there's things he would like to try. Then you can tell him what you would like to try.
Life's too short for bad sex.

PringlesPirate Tue 10-Oct-17 19:41:54

You CAN ask. You can talk about certain sexual preference.

Some people do need or want guidance. You should be able to talk about it. I know it misses the point but he’s not a mind reader.

Gemini69 Tue 10-Oct-17 19:42:30

Sod that OP... at 30.. if he needs telling.. he needs shown the door flowers

Gimmeareason Tue 10-Oct-17 19:45:35

It misses the point because i mean i want to be "ravaged" (LOL!) not like "okay, so now, wjy dont you try...."

Im really pro active in bed so im considering just going ultra passive and see what he does with that. Good idea?

Angelf1sh Tue 10-Oct-17 19:47:06

Bad idea. It'll make meh sex become terrible sex.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 10-Oct-17 19:48:52

If you can't talk about sex, you have much bigger problems than just sexual satisfaction. You're both adults. You should be able to talk openly about what you want and need. If you can't, or if he refuses to, that should be a massive red flag.

Angelf1sh Tue 10-Oct-17 19:49:25

Why not just talk to him over dinner or something, where you're not in the moment so he won't feel criticised but you are relaxed so you won't feel awkward and then later he can try it without you feeling like you're training him.

Basically if you can't communicate with him, it's not going to improve.

Gimmeareason Tue 10-Oct-17 19:50:46

@Angelf1sh

Over dinner?!

Like: "hey i was thinking it would be great if you could fuck me hard from.behind some time. Pass the peas please"

Onecall Tue 10-Oct-17 19:52:11

Some people just aren't very sexual or energetic or enthusiastic.

PringlesPirate Tue 10-Oct-17 19:58:26

But if you want ravaged, he’s not going to know that if you keep having the same old sex or you also become passive.

I think being passive yourself is a recipe for disaster.

Don’t talk about it in the heat of the moment. But maybe after sex or after some drinks - “I find it really sexy when...” or ask him what he finds sexy.
If you don’t want to talk to him, then the only option is to bin him. Because the sex won’t get better on its own without talking or guidance.

LaGattaNera Tue 10-Oct-17 19:59:09

Depends if he is passive or lazy as they are different and some men are definitely lazy or selfish ime

PringlesPirate Tue 10-Oct-17 20:03:01

Also what lagatta said.

If he is lazy definitely bin him

TurquoiseShine Tue 10-Oct-17 20:03:32

Lets talk about it ... just Zzzzzzz to that (personally speaking).

You do this and I'll do that. Very boring. Someone's been reading too many sex manuals probably, or Sex Therapy articles in the Guardian.

Anyway, people have different styles. Who you are sexually is like part of your personality. Telling people they should be different is quite insulting IMO. I used to go out with someone who liked athletic sex, which is very dull for me - if I wanted to be a gymnast I'd have joined the Marines.

If you are fundamentally mismatched or don't appreciate each other's differences its pretty much curtains IMO.

buckingfrolicks Tue 10-Oct-17 20:03:40

Perhaps he just does not want to dominate or “ravage” a woman? It is not a turn on for some men. And for some women too. It may just appall him.

username7979 Tue 10-Oct-17 20:05:41

A lot of men are selfish. Women need to be a bit assertive about their demands. Bottom line, they come almost every time and women hardly do. I am with a woman and we both orgasm every time because we know what we want.

Hellywelly10 Tue 10-Oct-17 20:10:41

I dont think there is anything wrong with being a bit directive. Don't ask don't get.

thedinosaur Tue 10-Oct-17 20:12:10

If you've never brought it up with him he will never know you find it boring.

I know it's a silly example but if you cooked a meal with something your DP didn't like or vice versa would you tell each other you don't like it or would you just carry on eating it every time it was served?

A part of a healthy relationship is being able to discuss your sex life.

Me and DP talk about sex a lot especially since over the years certain preferences we once had have changed.
It doesn't have to be a turn off but I find that when it comes down to it no one can read minds.

If I try something new I will ask DP how he found it "afterwards", in turn he will ask me if I'm enjoying everything he does or if there's anything I'd like him to change or try. We both want each other to enjoy it.

TurquoiseShine Tue 10-Oct-17 20:12:37

Well ... I think sex has become reduced to orgasms, positions and amount of experimentation, or else just talking about "what you want" to each other like a shopping list or mutual personal services. Sex education is similarly reductionist. Whereas at its best sex or even quite average sex is really "something else".

Bad sex is bad though.

Gimmeareason Tue 10-Oct-17 20:13:16

This is interesting guys thanks, sounds like some talking is in order!

TurquoiseShine Tue 10-Oct-17 20:14:12

Honestly the OP is meant to tell this man she finds him boring in bed hmm.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Tue 10-Oct-17 20:15:52

Perhaps you’ve just got different libidos. Is he pretty much always up for sex in general?

Aquamarine1029 Tue 10-Oct-17 20:15:57

DEFINITELY talk about this OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Just approach it with understanding and a bit of humor. He's not a mind reader so you really need to tell him what you want, and hopefully he'll share his desires with you.

GreyOwls Tue 10-Oct-17 22:29:14

I had one of these last year. Note ‘had.’

He was just so passive, walked casually to the bedroom, Sat fown, took off his shoes and socks and just looked at me blankly. This was after weeks of flirting and touching and texting. He was aggresive at work and on the pitch but in the bedrooom - zip. It never get better despite me ‘instructing’ him and ‘suggesting’ that we do certain things, or guiding his hips or hands. He was 34 but very unskilled, unsensual and dispassionate.

I had to end it. I want someone who’s passionate and lusty and hearty and playfull, not a passive voyeur.

I suggest you give it one more try & make it clear to him what gets you on fire, before you get to the bedroom, during and after. It may be that you just dont have chemistry.

Darlingtonschooldays Tue 10-Oct-17 22:47:23

Maybe if he’s young it would be different, but I think if the overall vibe is off it’s something you can’t “coach” without feeling resentful?

Something odd about someone lying there unenthusiastically like “oh I’ll do X if it’s what YOU want” (making the other person feel like some dirty pervert for “wanting to feel wanted” )

Submissive passive types can be REALLY head-fucking manipulative types in their desperation to set the other party up as some domineering type.

It’s like social skills or dating someone “quiet” - of course some women don’t mind the guy who is fairly passive (as it suits them), but if it’s not what turns you on I really wouldn’t go there.

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