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Can we survive his emotional affair

(66 Posts)
Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 10:59:05

I'm not the kind of person who posts but I can't quite find a thread that may help me.
For a few months my DH appeared to be distant he had always been very affectionate towards me. When asked he said everything was fine. After a while I decided to try and rekindle deep intimacy. He still appeared distant. He had new work colleagues one young girl who works for him and one make more his age. He became obsessed with every message sent within their group laughing out loud to every innapropriate message. I said nothing as I trusted him and hoped he would realise that it was not appropriate with the young girl. He seemed to reach this point and said he'd noticed one of the group restrained from posting and asked me my thoughts. So I calmly told him I thought it was unprofessional and not appropriate. He partially agreed. I thought that was the end. But as he grew distant and stopped sharing these posts I ended looking at his phone. I thought I'd find the group chat still going, but instead I found a private thread with this girl 15 years younger. It's hard to explain there was no emotional messages, though once he called her honey, but memes about innuendos. Their conversation was more about food and drink and what they did at the weekend. But he'd filmed her dancing around stupidly in the office, selfies together, her wrapped up in tissue. Anyway, I confronted him and he admitted it was inappropriate but then said he'd not felt we'd been close for 2 years. Worse in last year. To cut a long story short I'm all over the place. He said there's no emotion with this girl but he Like's her personality and it's the first time in years he's worked with a group of people he can have a laugh with. He only hired her 6 months ago. He says he loves me, that he needs intimacy otherwise the little things don't matter as much. I apologised and said I didn't know and that he should have been brave enough to tell me. I'm trying to bring that closeness back as he said that's all he wants. But I feel like his love us still closed off from me, like he's trying but that deep affection is not there. Can anyone help sort my emotions and give me hope it will be ok? I feel determined then lost, angry then hurt, fight then flight, one minute I want to leave then all I want is for us to get past this.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Oct-17 11:03:39

So you don't have sex often enough for his liking then?
That's how it reads to me.
And hes re-writing history to try to justify his shitty behaviour.
Do NOT take the blame for his flirting and being inappropriate.
It is NOT your fault.
It's all him.
He's sounds like a sleazy scumbag to be honest.
Do you have DC together?

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 11:22:31

I'm sorry it reads that way as he genuinely isn't. Yes our intimacy did drop off, but I agree not to the extent he seems to believe. I do feel like he's projecting more negativity on us than was there. But I love him dearly, always have. He's always been a kind and loving husband which is making this harder.

yetmorecrap Tue 10-Oct-17 11:45:45

I experienced something like this, it happened 11 to 12 years ago but I only found out last year as he left stuff he had written and songs he recorded hidden in a drawer, all about this person. We have had a lot of heart to hearts since, he now sees it for what it was , an ego boost/limerence (I am told one sided) at a point when a lot of things were a bit crap, his mum dying, business issues etc, it was a big 'deflection' . If I had known then what I now know, I would have told him to leave for a few weeks and think through how hurtful and deceitful he was being and decide what he wanted. As it is,he now knows my limits, and I know he is remorseful and upset that I was so devastated . Set your stall out now and hard!!! But not in a nasty way, just be firm and discuss openness and what's lacking that makes him feel he needs this

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 11:56:12

Yetmorecrap. Thank you. We have talked but not about the messages, we did that the other night and I told him it was inappropriate which he agreed. I'm not pushing for that to stop as I hope now it will naturally. I'm not being naive but I have to put trust in him as she's going nowhere as she works for him. I'm ensuring I am giving him the intimacy as I want that too. If I KNEW he loved me as deeply I know I can get past this, he's been stupid and immature but I can forgive that. I've told him I think we got lost along the way and he agrees. My fear is that I'll lose him no matter what I do.

inlectorecumbit Tue 10-Oct-17 12:22:50

very clever DH
He has managed to make this EA your fault, even had you apologise.
He is an arse--an immature arse.
I would think very carefully about the future with him. Don't lose yourself or your self worth trying to give him what he says was lacking in your relationship.

Dustysparrow Tue 10-Oct-17 12:52:23

My DH had an 'emotional affair' though to this day I'm not sure quite whether it went beyond that - he was thinking of leaving me (and our DD) for her so it's hard to imagine nothing physical happened. But anyway, we did actually get past it and our marriage was stronger in some ways than before, but it was a long and painful process believe me. And actually 6 years later our marriage is in trouble yet again - no other woman this time at least.

I would think very carefully about whether deep down you think you are suited and BOTH prepared to make a go of your marriage. If it is one sided you might need to look at your options. Also do you have kids? We do, so that complicates things even further. It is much harder to leave somebody once children are involved, so if it turns out you aren't right for each other it's better to move on and find happiness elsewhere while you aren't tied down as such.

Dustysparrow Tue 10-Oct-17 12:55:30

Also, as you say you have a great fear of losing him - but that doesn't mean he is worth keeping if he cannot be trusted. Sometimes it's only with a clean break and hindsight that we can see situations and people for what they really are. You sound lovely - you would not be on your own forever. I can't bear it when men do this 'grass is greener' stuff, it is really fucking tedious.

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 12:57:24

inlectorecumbit hi. I know how it sounds, I think that's why my emotions are so up and down. I agree even if our intimacy dwindled all he had to do was make an effort and let me know. I think that when this girl came along and her innapropriate behaviour, he felt young again and in a rut with me. I'm not excusing him just trying to understand. I feel angry at him for doing this, which is why I'm lost. On one hand I love him and want to move forward on the other I want to run away. The internet is full of positive and negative advice and I'm lost. I know that no two situations are the same. People do make mistakes and people do recover. I suppose the hardest thing is she still works for him and the 'banter won't stop. If I leave he'll just justify it by rewriting our story. If I stay, maybe he will wake up and remember what we had. The trouble is this is so painful for me.

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 13:03:41

Dustysparrow. What you wrote is hitting a nerve with me. We are good together I'm in no doubt of that. But you got through it and are now experiencing hurt again. So you bravely fought through the pain only to be hurt again. It's this that is causing me my dilemma.
I have a daughter 20, who he raised as his own since she was 9, now has his surname, but he's distanced himself from her. She's now gone to uni but he distanced himself a few months ago and said he just didn't like her selfish attitude. Lol as I'm typing that I'm thinking hypocrite. This girl he's been messaging is only a little older than my daughter. It's as if she's cone along, great personality so all of a sudden my daughter's is selfish and difficult and I'm not intimate enough.

yetmorecrap Tue 10-Oct-17 13:06:48

I would stay and just 'monitor' the proof is in actions, not words, if he has got anything about him he should be having a word with her. My problem was I didn't push the point at the time as didn't want to seem jealous/possessive

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 13:19:12

Yetmorecrap. That's how I feel. He's out with dinner with her and his boss tonight. This isn't unusual. I noticed last night that he said he said he would wait in the bar whilst his boss is getting changed, his boss doesn't live locally so stays at the hotel when they have dinner out. He had dinner out with him for years before she cane along. But, I thought it was odd he was being so descriptive. I said yes I know, i said usually you work late or have a coffee and wait so no problem. That's normal. But it niggles me. Why mention it. So later I asked him if he was being so descriptive because he thought I had an issue with her being there, not that he mentioned her and I.e he'd be in the bar with her, he said no he just thought I should know what he was doing. I asked if she'll be there and he said yes. I replied that I'm ok and trust him. Like you I'm trying not to seem possessive or insecure. I want to show I'm strong. But moreover I don't want to give him more reason to push away from me and justify his behaviour.

yetmorecrap Tue 10-Oct-17 14:43:29

I dont think him being extra descriptive is a sign of anything, its probably more that he gets that he has been bang out of order and is now over compensating. My H did this too when it all came out. Just keep an eye on things , I would be quite casual about things, the more you look as if snopping, the more he would push anything underground if it was iffy. If anything untoward is going on, its likley at some point he will trip up.

SparklingRaspberry Tue 10-Oct-17 14:50:36

I think you're being incredibly naive here

I can understand a lack of intimacy can change the dynamics of a relationship. I get that.

But they need to stop texting. They need to keep things strictly professional. You aren't even going to push for this to happen - why not? There's no way it's going to 'naturally stop' as you think it will. He's only gunna get more secretive.

I tend to think with emotional affairs once the person is caught out it either goes one or two ways, they either realise what they've done and end the communication there and then and work on the marriage OR they just become more secretive and hide it more, which IMO tends to add to the thrill

OP wise up and lay your cards on the table. He either quits all communication with this girl unless it's work related - nobody wants to talk about work at 10pm on a Saturday night. Or you walk away.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Oct-17 14:51:05

Wow - so he's got you to have more sex with him and apologise for HIS EA!
WOW - he is good - he is very very good!!!

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 15:30:20

Hellsbellsmelon I know when you put it like that it does sound manipulative. And I am aware it's forced not natural. My trust is broken. But, I do feel if I don't try then 11 years is gone and I may regret not trying.
By trying I may be risking more hurt, but I may also get stronger as I go through this and so if we can't recover I'm in a better place than I am now. Or he genuinely realises his error and by working through it may make our relationship stronger. My worst fear is walking away and being left feeling like I lost a good man because I didn't do enough. If it does end I'd at least like to know I did everything and didn't deserve this. My biggest hope is this was a stupid blip and he realises his stupidity and sees what he has.

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 15:35:54

SparklingRaspberry I know what you mean. And I'm in and out of those thoughts. One minute I'm being the super supporting understanding wife but next in my head in angry and this F U even if I wasn't perfect I don't deserve this. All it would have taken was a word and I'm angry he's using this to justify how he's behaving rather than realising he is out of order. But right now, he's not at the point of thinking he's in the wrong and Maybe, just Maybe, he will. And if he does I won't have damaged things further. And if he doesn't I have done all that I can.

BewareOfDragons Tue 10-Oct-17 15:41:59

Why are you doing all the hard work to save the relationship? He is the one the emotionally strayed and was in the wrong ... but here you are jumping through hoops. Wow.

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 15:50:08

BewareOfDragons I think because I believe we're worth it. That we got lost along the way. If he'd have been a bad person in the past and we'd have had a difficult marriage then I'd still be upset but not think it's worth it. But I do believe if it can be fixed it'll have been worthwhile.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Oct-17 16:01:42

I think because I believe we're worth it
See the 2x 'I's in there!!!
Not a thing about your 'D'H believing you are worth it.
If he did he wouldn't have done what he did!
Flippin' 'eck, that's like a mad Friends episode.

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 16:24:04

Hellsbellsmelon fair enough.

EEandEmakes3 Tue 10-Oct-17 16:38:00

Is he doing his bit to rebuild the trust? It's not down to you to fix this by yourself, he has to demonstrate that he's worth you investing anymore of yourself in this relationship. In the meantime you keep your head up high & look after yourself, you deserve to be happy & loved, whether that's with him or without.

Iwantamarshmallow Tue 10-Oct-17 16:42:59

why is it your fault that there is not enough intimacy in the relationship. intimacy is a two way street and if he’s being emotional with another woman then that would be reason enough for you not to want to be intimate with him. When you say your marriage vows you promise to be faithful . I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say I promise to be faithful proving my wife is 'intimate' with me at least twice a week. He’s blaming your for his bad behaviour because he wants to have his cake and eat it . Considering he’s this girls employer he’s swimming in dangerous waters if he ever needs to terminate her employment she may have grounds to sue him for sexual harassment or unfair dismissal based on the private messages.

IrianOfW Tue 10-Oct-17 17:10:50

The texting needs to stop.

Vivienne547 Tue 10-Oct-17 17:16:48

Iwantamarshmellow I agree with everything you say. I have broached his responsibility as an employer but he says, well we've all agreed that if one of us finds it offensive then it's stop, I know what you're thinking... what a immature naive prick he sounds. And you'd be right; about the person he is right now. It's as if all his morals have gone right out the window. He was always respectful of women, hated seeing men grabbing women or making sexual comments. I honestly cannot piece together where that person went, and right now even though he's admitted it's inappropriate I know he hasn't accepted this fully and justify it by saying it's just banter.
I also agree intimacy is a two way thing. And believe it or not after 11 years, apart from the odd 2-3 week stretch and I mean odd stretch, we were intimate more than once a week. It may not have been swinging from the chandeliers but we were intimate.
I'm really confused. He's not remorseful, because he feels it was inappropriate but he's not done anything so therefore the problem is now suddenly I've made him feel like a ghost at home. When I mentioned last night all the things I have done like spa nights away I.e intimacy he cut me off and said none of the small things mean anything without closeness. He needs closeness then he can appreciate the small things.
I know I'm making him sound like a wanker, and right now generally is one, but this isn't the person I married. I married a man who respected women and hated men objectifying women.

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