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I've made a mistake in asking ds to do this

(11 Posts)
HiccupHaddockHorrendous Tue 10-Oct-17 09:03:09

I fell out with my dad a few months ago, over something too big to brush under the carpet. My father's reaction has made it very easy for me to leave things as they are and accept that that is how our relationship is likely to be from now on.
I did have a brief moment of doubt a few weeks ago about whether I should make peace with him for the sake of ds (15) having a relationship with him. I know my dad well enough and from past experience to know that if he and I aren't talking, he'll back off from ds and make out that it's for ds' benefit.
It's dad's birthday today and for the last month I've been going round in circles trying to decide whether to send a card or not.
I bought a card but was still undecided about whether to actually write in it and send it.
On Saturday, I found out some utterly devastating news about a very close friend and her family. It's beyond devastating. And in a moment of not thinking, I asked ds to write in the card for both of us. I shouldn't have asked him to do that and I really don't think I should have sent it.
He wrote that he hoped we could fix this situation that dad and I are in.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by typing this post - maybe I'm hoping you'll all say it's ok and not to think about it.
Everything is so blurred in my head, I can't think straight!!!

Caulkheadupnorf Tue 10-Oct-17 09:05:29

I imagine your dad will know that DS wrote the card as the handwriting will be different.

HiccupHaddockHorrendous Tue 10-Oct-17 09:09:30

Oh, he will definitely know ds has written it but it feels like I've manipulated the situation by getting ds to write it and that really was not my intention

ohfourfoxache Tue 10-Oct-17 09:39:03

Don't give it a second thought.

Concentrate on you and your DS and your friend. Hope you're as ok as you can be.

Myheartbelongsto Tue 10-Oct-17 09:46:12

Just ring your dad maybe and try and resolve the problem.

schoolgaterebel Tue 10-Oct-17 09:58:29

The fact that you are agonising about every little decision and action shows that you do not have closure. Even though you feel you have made the right decision you clearly are not at peace with it.

You need to do what you need to get closure and peace as this is haunting you.

I have lost my DF and I would do anything just to be able to reach out one more time.

HiccupHaddockHorrendous Tue 10-Oct-17 11:19:45

Ohfour - that's what I'm trying to do but I have this niggling feeling of guilt in the back of my mind that I did the wrong thing.
Myheart - he will not engage in any conversation with me about our falling out. As far as he's concerned, he's right, I'm wrong and that is the end of that. After nearly 30 years of believing I'm always wrong, this is the first time I've stood up for myself and I don't quite know how to resolve this.
Schoolgaterebel - I'm sorry for your loss.
You're right, there has been no closure because he will not engage with me over this and it is far too big an issue to just forget about it. But how do I get closure if he isn't prepared to hear my point of view?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 10-Oct-17 11:22:55

I think you probably did make a mistake, but that's OK.

You are upset, because you've had upsetting news. Park the dad thing to one side for a bit, and work through your feelings about the other thing. Your dad may or may not get in touch, deal with it when it happens. Be kind to yourself, you've had a shock.

HiccupHaddockHorrendous Tue 10-Oct-17 12:46:46

Thanks.
Yes, will concentrate on my friend for now and deal with the other stuff another time.

rosenylund Tue 10-Oct-17 19:50:31

Hiccup, I am in exactly the same situation minus the DS. Same as you, dad has behaved in an unacceptable manner for years, his whole life even, and I took a serious stand against it. In the past it has always been me who initiates the 'repairs' and this time I thought forget that. I could have written your words exactly.

And now we're four months on, I barely see my mum and sister and don't have my 'own' family so no back up there if you see what I mean.
It's really thrown me that my own father has treated me this way, I swing between wanting to fix it to accepting I'm cut off.

I have noticed I'm not as stressed or as on edge or the time, which is a positive I suppose.

HiccupHaddockHorrendous Tue 10-Oct-17 21:25:49

Rosenylund - flowers sorry you're dealing with similar.
I had a thread running about my situation when it happened and received a lot of great advice. It helped so much.
I'm sorry you don't have much support from your mum or sister. Do you have other people in real life to support you?

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