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Wife doesn't love me any more and a 8 month baby

(19 Posts)
bbtb Tue 10-Oct-17 01:26:11

So i feel like this post could be a hardback book so ill try and keep it as short as possible.

My wife and I are 31 and we have a beautiful 8 month old daughter. We have been together since we were both 17, living together from that age too and have been married 4 years.

Its both our first and only serious relationship and I thought was all going well.. We get on well and barely argue. We have had a few arguements over the years about the lack of sex in the relationship (partly due to time and partly to do with me going through some health problems at the time) and the other one was that I didnt pay her enough attention which I honestly did try but obviously not enough.

The baby was something we both wanted and took quite a while to conceive (9-10 months) but we got there in the end. I do think we distanced a little during pregnancy the wife likes to go to bed around 9 - 9.30 and I am more of a night owl and struggle to sleep till around midnight so I started staying up playing video games with friends for a couple of hours after she went to bed. I guess you could say conversation was not what it was which I just put down to how long we have been together and that we message each other a lot in the day. I also quite like my alone time to pursue hobbies but not on an unreasonable level (or at least I thought anyway)

So our daughter was born and it was a pretty traumatic birth for both of us really. The wife wanted a natural birth moving around as much as possible with hypno birthing. Turned out she needed introv anti biotics so was tied to a bed and ended up throwing up alot from the pain so had a epidural. The pushing bit went on for about an hour longer than it was supposed to and she had to be cut twice. All turned out good though and we had a healthy baby and a recovering mum.

I felt i was really supportive after the birth. i helped as much as I could making nice lunches filled with iron, changed the baby when I could and tried to keep the house tidy. I felt all was going well and that mother and baby had bonded well but I was a bit concerned about my wifes happyness as she seemed a bit fed up which I put down to the whole sleep deprevation thing.

About 2 months after the birth in April of this year my wife had wrote me a long email while I was out the house. Basically saying she wasn't happy in the relationship and things had to change but even if they did change they might not change how she felt. I was completely in shock to be honest and felt like it came out of nowhere. The main issues were she felt I wasn't very supportive when it came to her having ideas, I didn't help enough around the house, I didn't show her enough affection and attention and the lack of the physical relationship but she didn't feel like she wanted one at this point in time. I felt this all to be really upsetting as I was really happy with our little family. I have never been career motived I have always wanted children and a family so was gutted to hear thats how she felt.

Since then I have been doing above and beyond around the house despite working full time trying to make an effort to tell her she looks nice and trying to arrange date nights etc. Over the months we have tended to not really talk about it as It really brought me down when I did I have just been doing what I can in the hope that she will see and be happy again but instead of this when we have talked about it she has said things like she "sees us more like friends than as a couple" and "she didn't feel like she loved me in the same way" and that she felt like she just wanted to be alone sad

I have found all this really hard to take as I see her as the love of my life still. we have not really argued at all and have both been positive around our daughter and we have worked well as a team making sure everything is sorted for her.

We have been on date nights and enjoyed each others company and I have been respectful of not having any sort of physical relationship and not even mentioned it.

We have had a couple of sessions of marriage counsellings via webcam which didn't seem to bring anything productive.

My wife definitely seemed down quite alot and having read alot about relationships after babies especially if the birth was traumatic I suggested that this looks like its a fairly common issue and that hopefully,with the improvements I am making, things will get better this time. She is amendment its nothing to do with the baby and when the councilor suggested it she got annoyed and complained to him about it the week after..

So this evening when I first saw my wife she seemed pretty down so I asked if all was ok and she said that the relationship problems where getting to her. She said she feels the same way as she did back in April but can see I have been making loads of effort. She said she feels trapped in her own home, doesn't love me any more and doesn't think she wants to be in a relationship with me anymore.

I feel completely sick at the thought of loosing my wife. It all seems so sudden after the baby was born and I feel in shock to be honest. I feel like my whole life is about to turn upside down.. The thought of only seeing my daughter for half the week is killing me already she means the world to me... and I don't want to loose my wife.. I feel like 13 years of happiness together is going to be thrown away without us really having a go at saving our marriage. I think its even more important that we try everything possible especially with our daughter being so young.

Any advice about any of it?

Anyone had a relationship go bad after a baby and pulled it back?
Any suggestions on how I can get my wife to love me again? sad
If we cant save our marriage do would living together just as friends work so we can both help with our daughter at least until shes a bit older?
Neither of us earn much in our jobs so I am worried we will loose the house and everything else..

Any comments appriciated

EssentialHummus Tue 10-Oct-17 01:35:41

There may be PND on her part following such a difficult birth, or she may feel you’re not supporting her as she needs and is therefore feeling isolated and resentful. (Or something else altogether.)

I’d ask her outright if you can do more to support her, and if so can she explain what explicitly.

I had DD a month ago. DH does what he thinks he should do; I have moments of wanting to leave him because he totally fails to understand what I’m going through and what I need, even when I tell him (to my mind) very clearly.

flumpybear Tue 10-Oct-17 01:40:17

I agree with pp but also I wonder if this is a case of your wife falling in love with your baby, which is normal and great, but isn’t dealing so well with adjusting to loving two humans , albeit in two very different ways. Sleep deprivation is s bitch too to be frank!!

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 10-Oct-17 02:35:26

The first year is very very tough. On the most stable of marriages. And she could well be suffering from PND.

However, what I also read is many of the complaints that kill marriages. Man plays video games and has hobbies rather than connecting with his wife, lack of intimacy and care, not doing their share (it’s not you ‘helping’ because it’s not her job). You sound like you’re trying but it can be too little, too late.

What does she want to happen and when? Because things really improved for DH and I around 18 months to two years. It was tough. And our marriage was pretty good.

Toadinthehole Tue 10-Oct-17 02:53:16

Be prepared for some spiteful advice OP.

The reality is that the first year is very tough. You need to support your DW. You will also need to find support to; something that tends not to be recognised to nearly the same level.

I doubt your DW is thinking straight if she's taking about ending the relationship, and even if you behave like a saint, you may get more remarks like that from her.

You may just need to tough it out, and to do that you need practical help and support from family and friends.

serialcheat Tue 10-Oct-17 12:37:23

Sadly, I think it's more than hormonal issues or PND.......

When a woman says she doesn't love you anymore, it usually means they have been thinking about it and weighing it up, for a long, long time.......

And when they say it, their mind is set.......

You sound like a good guy, it sounds like you haven't done anything wrong......

Keep being supportive, keep your nose to the grindstone, keep your head down and let her make the first move......

TheSparrowhawk Tue 10-Oct-17 12:55:56

It sounds like your heart is in the right place, but tbh you're coming across as very immature and I can see why your wife may have reached the end of her tether.

You say the birth was traumatic 'for both of you' - eh what the fuck? She was the one strapped to the bed vomiting in pain and her genitals were cut twice while a human being came out of them. If you ever once suggested to her that you suffered too I can see how she may have wanted to rip your head off.

You also say i he'ped as much as I could making nice lunches filled with iron, changed the baby when I could and tried to keep the house tidy' - you tried to keep the house tidy??? What does that mean? Does that mean that you made a very half hearted effort to the minimum amount, or did you actually take over everything that needed to be done, and do it properly?

The very fact that you say you 'helped' tells me you're not a very good partner. It's not a matter of 'helping' - it isn't your wife's job to do everything, with you just 'helping' as though you're a child, it's your responsibility as much as hers.

If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you. You can't change that.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 10-Oct-17 13:11:15

The use of the word 'helping' here is indeed very telling.

As is the description of the birth as 'both of you suffering'- no.

Counselling to start with, I'm not going to say any more but I think you would do well to ask her just to go along with you and ask her if she will talk it through at least, and promise to listen. And then actually listen.

Myheartbelongsto Tue 10-Oct-17 13:55:23

Some nasty comments here for you op. I'd be asking her when is she moving out to be honest.

It will concentrate her mind a bit more and give you time to think.

I don't think you sound immature and I can appreciate that the birth was traumatic for both of you albeit in different ways.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Oct-17 14:46:28

Is she breastfeeding?
Do you do night feeds?
Get up and let her lie-in to recover?
When you 'help' around the house, does that mean really cleaning? Toilets etc... or just tidying?
Do you do washing, ironing, putting clothes away?
Does your DW get her own space?
Time with her friends away from baby?
Time at the gym or another group of interest?

I'm not suggesting you don't do these things, you probably do but just double checking.

She is feeling trapped. She's told you this.
So give her some space.
Do you have family or friends you could move in with for a month or so?
Just a trial separation.
I just have a feeling she won't know what she's got 'til it's gone!
Maybe she needs to understand what it would truly be like without you there.

Changedname3456 Tue 10-Oct-17 14:51:54

Good grief, do please step down off those rickety little soapboxes.

“Both of you suffering - no”

So men don’t suffer when they see their loved ones in pain... don’t get frustrated and hurt when they can see what they’re going through but can do little to change it? How about soldiers when they see a colleague blown to bits in front of them, or parents when they see their kids get badly hurt? No suffering / trauma there?

I am pretty sure that THAT sort of pain is what OP meant by ”pretty traumatic birth for both of us” and not his claiming, as you PP would like to infer, that he physically suffered the same.

He’s got room for improvement (show me a man or woman that hasn’t), sure, but he’s clearly thinking things through and is trying to work hard to save his relationship. He doesn’t need the kind of BS being spewed at him here.

OP - as some other, less bigoted posters have said, all you can do is continue to be supportive and continue to try and listen and adapt to what your wife needs from you. There’s no magic solution, unfortunately.

JungleExplorer Tue 10-Oct-17 14:58:54

I am with hells on this, does she realise that if you aren't there she will have to do it all herself? Maybe you need to talk about that.

I think 8 month after giving birth is not really the time to make life changing decisions.

Has she changed since the pregnancy? What was your relationship like before then?

A friend of mine was desperate for a baby, as was her husband but the reality of morning sickness for 6 months, a baby who didn't sleep, trying to keep on top of the house etc was just too much. It is sold to lots of people as the happiest days oooh look a new baby but in truth it is bloody hard work.

If she is keen on splitting up then you need to talk about the reality of what that will look like.

It seems that you have some childcare because you talk of date nights. Maybe you both just need a break, chill and watch tv together or walk and talk rather than dinner out etc.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 10-Oct-17 15:03:14

You say the birth was traumatic 'for both of you' - eh what the fuck? She was the one strapped to the bed vomiting in pain and her genitals were cut twice while a human being came out of them. If you ever once suggested to her that you suffered too I can see how she may have wanted to rip your head off.

What rubbish.

My DH saw me nearly die twice, nearly bleed to death and get rushed to theatre.

I don't remember a thing.

So yes mentally, men do 'suffer too'

scottishdiem Tue 10-Oct-17 15:17:12

Leave I think. When men say a lot of this, its cause they have already checked out of the relationship. I dont think the excuse of PND is relevant as this seems all focussed on you.

Give her the space to see how she feels and copes. She is asking you to do a pick me dance and despite your best attempts she doesnt like your dance at all.

gamerchick Tue 10-Oct-17 15:22:03

Just ignore the comments wanting to blame you OP it’s par the course on here.

I do agree though that when a woman starts saying she doesn’t love you though that’s she’s been thinking it for a long time.

Tbh I would say it’s time to talk about splitting up in a calm way with her. Stay factual, talk through the practicalities, money and contact. Focus her mind a bit.

FWIW my husband shoots off to bed early and I play on my Xbox. Doesn’t mean fuck all.

theancientmarinader Tue 10-Oct-17 15:22:08

It all sounds boringly normal tbh. Having a baby and feeling trapped in the home, being exhausted and resentful of the person who gets to leave and carry on with normal life, feeling as though you are doing everything... it's having a baby 101. None of this shit is even touched on by the glossy mum and baby mags, or if it is, it's pathologists and called PND and medicated.

The absolute truth is, having a baby is isolating, bastatdingbastarding hard work, and it never ever ends. If you are in a marriage with the right person, who is genuinely pulling their weight and understanding what an absolute mind fuck it is, you can usually grit your teeth and get through the first five years without divorcing. But that means the partner actually has to understand that you spend six hours a day feeding unable to move, and six hours a day crying because you are trying to get the baby to go to sleep, and all day every day longing to get out of the house.

Are you getting up in the night? How many times is your baby waking? Are you coming in from work and taking over the baby for an hour or two (completely) so that do can leave the house, go anywhere to reduce the cabin fever, or just sleep? Is she getting a few weekends to just disappear and leave you with your child, and go and stay with friends?

Her feelings are quite normal. Most women don't act on them (they frankly don't have the time or the energy as baby care is so exhausting) and marriages scrape by. Both of you understanding that would go a long way to getting through this together. It's easy to believe that other couples are having a fabulous rosy time and feel even more isolated, but this period is seriously hard work, especially for 21st century mamas who have been told they don't need feminism because they are completely equal to men.
Then you have a baby and suddenly you realise you have been fed an absolute lie. Your job is to keep the baby alive and your male partner goes out to work. His life carries on as normal (with the extra kudos of having sired offspring and collected a few adornments to his success story) and the wife's world has reduced to four walls and a baby.
Women get through this a number of ways. They grit their teeth and drag themselves throu (usually by ensuring they get out of the house every single day), they find childcare and go back to work, or they realise that what they are feeling is beyond the normal grim stage and see their gp or HV for advice about PND.

In case you are at all concerned about my cynicism, I've had three kids and been happily married for 19 years. And have absolutely felt the same way as your wife after every single baby, for at least the first year. Once they start walking and talking, it's less traumatic. Fortunately, dh and I were teeth gritters.

Of course, there is the smallest chance (infinitesimal) that this isn't anything to do with having had a baby and her whole life changing (like, seriously, every single facet is no longer about her). In which case, she's still better off co-parenting with you to get through the baby years, with the understanding that you are co-pRenting. And then you can both sort out the new world order, custody, housing, and agree an amicable separation in time.

gamerchick Tue 10-Oct-17 15:24:03

I REALLY agree with stop doing the pick me thing. If someone has your full attention they don’t need to try anything. Stop letting her take you for granted.

EssentialHummus Tue 10-Oct-17 15:38:13

theancient thank you so so much for that post. I’m four weeks in with DC1 and it articulates a lot of what I feel.

BackInTheRoom Tue 10-Oct-17 16:40:21

OP, you know you say you hardly argue, from reading John Gottmans books, not arguing can mean issues go unresolved. Maybe if you had proper discussions, you'd clear the air?

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