Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

help with marriage! don't know what to think

(8 Posts)
trytobebestdad Mon 09-Oct-17 21:02:30

new person to mumsnet but don't know where else to turn for advice need some advice on how to understand my relationship better!
i have been married to my wife for 5 years now but in a relationship for much longer.
last sunday night i was logged onto my wife facebook (she gave me password ages ago to log in and play a game on there for her, i log in once a week) while logged in i saw a conversation pop up between her and another man (who interestingly my son found a photo of on his iPad when playing earlier and was asking who it was)
started of as a bit of harmless flirting so was going to let it slide but then moved onto her asking him to take the day off work to spend it with her followed by suggestive emojis, this continued with her "wishing he was a gigalo" so she could hire him for the day

anyway i called her out on it and she assured me nothing has happened, just harmless flirting.
a subsequent chat in the week that followed she said that it was because she was discussing with him about cheating partners and they were flirting with each other so that me and his girlfriend would find it and that i wasn't meant to see it yet as she hadn't made up her mind if i was to see it yet
for the record i haven't cheated on her and couldn't imagine doing so, there was an incident about 18 months ago where a girl i know at work had a controlling boyfriend and i got a little to involved encouraging her to leave him and offering support (and yes ill admit i did pay simple compliments like saying how nice she was..never with sexual connotations or with intent to meeting up that way) anyway her boyfriend found out and threatened me so i told my wife about it to see what i should do. we have discussed this on a few occasions and each time i think we have settled it it tends to resurface 6 months later again with her upset once more.

well that brings us upto present day,
i had a chat with my wife a few days ago who said she really enjoyed the flirting and if it wasn't with this man, she might have taken it further but hasn't.
she cites that i have become boring to live with, and she feels "zero passion" for me any more but still loves me,
again background of note is that i used to be very exciting, going out a lot and very confident, partially around women (flirty but never with intent) anyway a few years ago my wiffe told me how much she wanted me to stay at home more like a proper grown up, not go out so often and not be so chatty with other girls.

so she now says she regrets this as this was what she found attractive about me and wants me to go out and be more adventurous again and i quote "flirty with other girls again" (really struggle to get my head around that)
she's almost forcing me to go out now on a tuesday so we aren't spending time together.
she already goes out 2 nights a week and me one night a week. (we have a baby sitter which costs $$)

so here we are now, im currently googling motorbike lessons and tattoos to make me seem more exciting for her, haven't found anything for me to do yet on tuesdays.

i just want to spend tuesdays in with my kids but she really wants me out of the house now as feels me sitting around with her means we are becoming to close (she read a book on this called mating in captivity)

anyway, im absolutely broken, she tells me she loves me and we had a fab weekend of some "intimate time" where her passion seems genuine but i really want to trust her but am struggling. i really want to believe it that she genuinely wants me but i really don't know how to move on with this as spend al day now worrying where she is and with whom (she just texted me as she is out to the pub tonight after her netball game with her girls)/ this makes my very stressful job even harder
i am trying so much to trust her again but struggling to understand her logic and i feel she is just trying to push me away further

ive avoided talking to any of my friends as they have beocome her friends too now and i don't want them to think badly of her so just really wanted someone who i could talk too
sorry if this post is too long

our children are 5 and 7 and we both have stressful jobs.

Elephant17 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:49:24


Sounds like there's a lot going on here, and all rather emotionally exhausting sad it seems to me that your wife is having a bit of a crisis/not exactly sure what she wants? Relationships change and grow as our lives change and grow and sometimes things stop clicking the way they used to. Sometimes it can be the sign of serious problems, sometimes it's a case of needing to put in more effort in certain areas. Definitely not a one answer fits all situation! Could you suggest some relationship counselling to really get to the bottom of things and maybe get some constructive advice?

Elephant17 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:59:29

The irony is: she wants you to get this exciting confidence back- but the things she has said and done are knocking your confidence left, right and centre. I really feel for you!

Aminuts23 Mon 09-Oct-17 22:04:42

Googling motorbike lessons and tattoos? To make yourself more exciting for her. Gosh that got me. That is such a desperately heartbreaking image. Poor you. I don’t have any good advice I’m afraid but somebody here will soon.

wisenan Tue 10-Oct-17 06:55:16

Welcome to the real world, mate. Looks like your wife is enjoying some new found excitement outside the marriage. There is nothing you can do about it. The more you try to be , the more she will disrespect you. Its almost impossible to keep up the passion in a long term relationship. Feelings mellow overtime. Only thing you can do is keep open and honest communication with her and hopefully shell get it out of her system.

Lagerthaisfabulous Tue 10-Oct-17 07:24:23

Do you have kids? How old are they?

apacketofcrisps Tue 10-Oct-17 18:12:12

Hasn't this already been posted?

TamarGeorgina Tue 10-Oct-17 18:22:51

My hubby and I have been through something similar.
First off, Facebook is the root of all evil! May I suggest she comes off it for a while? She can always reinstate herself at a later date as you never technically leave Facebook once you have made an account.
Next, you need to sit and talk and be straight with each other. The one thing people forget is how as you get older, you change. You have taken on your responsibilities and have become sensible and there is nothing wrong with that.
Next, tattoos? Seriously? No no no, don’t.
Your wife fell in love with excitement. Ok... why not together go out and find it? Find something you can do together, without the kids. Be a couple, not Mum and dad for a few hours. Many couples loose sight of who they are as individuals. You need to date again. You need to find that spark. Find time together. My hubby and I call it “quality time”. We both make the effort as we both love each other and most of all, respect each other. Respect is very important in a relationship as well as all the other things.
Anyway, I hope this has helped a little. Good luck! X

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: