I am so messed up.

[Pombliboo123]

Where to begin.

Please be kind. I am driving myself crazy.

DP of 4 years broke up with me several weeks ago. I went away on a last minute holiday with family and when I came back he said he changed his mind. I told him that it wasn't that simple, he had really hurt me.

SO I moved into my own place. He comes over usually once during the week and the weekend unless he's going on a night out (which has been most weekends to be honest).

Now I'm not sure how I feel anymore. I love him so so so much but it doesn't feel the same anymore... he can't love me that much if he wasn't sure about me?

His reasoning was that he doesn't know if he wants to settle down, get married etc. We are both 27.

Something feels off... I can't put my finger on it. We speak every day. I flip from accepting the situation and making the most of it to being irrationally angry and maybe I should go out and find somebody who is sure about me. I can't imagine myself with anybody else. I can't even remember the last time I fancied anybody else.

As a separate note, I want to try and enjoy my new found sort of singledom (we have agreed we wouldn't be doing anything with anybody else) by joining the gym, or going to zumba or something with friends but I can't. I have 2 dogs, And work full time. The dog walker comes every day but by the time I get home I feel as though I can't leave them alone again. So I'm stuck in the flat by myself every evening.

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from this. I feel like I'm losing my mind double questioning the whole situation, my confidence has been crushed...

[Pombliboo123]

Too add, it was my birthday last week and he did spoil me, took me on a nice day out and for a meal etc... so then that makes me think well he does care then... Or is he having his cake and eating it?!

[anon97528996]

Would you consider using a website like borrow my doggy? They do background checks etc, it’s to match dogs with people who like spending time with them but can’t commit to owning one. If someone could take them out once or twice a week you could have some guilt free time and everyone wins. It sounds like your ex is messing with your head and you’ll see that even clearer once you start building your own life. What do you get out of seeing him? If you’re still friendly enough to spend time together could you even ask him to watch them occasionally?

[PNGirl]

I'm so sorry. I think he is trying to have his cake, yes, especially if by "comes over" you mean he comes round and you have sex. I think he's trying to date you, which is ridiculous and hurtful after you were living together.

I could never trust him again - what if he has another wobble?

[userxx]

He is having his cake and eating it. How can you go from living together as a couple to being a casual girlfriend? Tell him to fuck right off.

[Pombliboo123]

Yes you are right... he is trying to "date" me casually, whilst gymming every night, going on lads weekends away or nights out every weekend but he'll come over if he has nothing else on. It's all just so confusing.

I wish I could flip a switch and stop loving him... and tell him to fuck off. I feel like I have no self respect allowing this.

In regards to the dogs, borrow my doggy is something I would consider but one of the dogs has issues with strangers (particularly men) so not sure if he would like it so much? He could watch them but we live quite far apart now so not really convenient for him to come and watch them.

[Pombliboo123]

I do enjoy spending time with him, but then I always did. I never wasn't sure about him.

[MatildaTheCat]

He's using you. And treating you really badly. And sorry but you are allowing it. Personally I'd be telling him to go and never come back. However, if you can't do that then at least tell him to leave you completely alone for a set period of time after which you will meet and BOTH decide whether you have a future together.

Take back control. It will still hurt but less.

[Gimmeareason]

Are they your dogs or "your as a couple" dogs?

[Pombliboo123]

Maybe that's what hurts so much. He has all the control and power. I just have to sit around and wait until he's decided I am worth it or not. It's so painful.

The older dog is mine, I had him before I met "DP". The younger one we got together but was always agreed she was my dog and would be coming with me if anything ever happened.

[inlectorecumbit]

You are better than this and you deserve better than this. Technically you are his once weekly booty call.
You are not a priority for him and yes you are quite right in questioning his "commitment" to you.
Set him free, get yourself out there on the dating scene and start enjoying life again without him holding you back. If he is really really keen on you he will pull out all the stops to get you back, if not--well you know exactly where you stand.

As for the dogs, stop feeling guilty, as long as they are getting regular exercise, being fed and loved it won't do them any harm to be left alone of an evening.

Time to pull the plug on this excuse for a relationship- at least for now

[userxx]

Telling him to fuck off out of your life will be painful, you've been with him for 4 years but how painful is it living like this? Waiting for him to grace you with his presence, waiting for him to decide that yes, you are infact the girl for him and he wants you.

If you continue letting him call the shots you are going to end up pretty damaged from it. Is he really worth it? Be kind to yourself and don't let him ruin you as a person in the process. Take back the control.

[Flopjustwantscoffee]

You are never going to stop loving him in the situation you describe though, because that is the exact situation that leads to pining, increased feelings of love/limerance (on your part not his). If you really want to stop loving him, you need to go cold turkey, stop allowing him to come round, and block him.

[Shayelle]

You poor thing. My ex did this to me. It hurt me so much, i was bits, lost so much weight, cried all the time. Til i got strong and told him to fuck off. Dont let him use you anymore as this is all hes doing xx

[winterwinter]

I don’t think it will work out in the long term. Get rid of him and enjoy being single!!!!!

[Cricrichan]

Whether or not you have a future together, you have to just stop being available to him.whenever he clicks his fingers. Turn him down, be busy and invite friends over, look at hiking with dogs over the weekend with a group etc and live your own.life.

[Pombliboo123]

Thank you everyone.

I know you are all speaking sense. The PP who said theres no future is bang on. As much as I want it, I just can't see it. He is too immature.

I am going to join a gym tomorrow and have a new resolution to say yes to all invitations (within reason since I am broke now living alone!)

[DonkeyPunch88]

I know this will hurt you but at the moment you are his second choice. You can’t just withdraw commitment from someone after 4 years, it’s a shitty thing to do to someone. Break free and live your life. You will get over it in time, make sure you give yourself plenty of time to focus on yourself x

[Aquamarine1029]

He is TOTALLY fucking you around. Right this minute, tell him it's over. Completely over. You will be so happy you did. Do you really want to exist in this ridiculous limbo that only benefits him?