I've been lied to about the cost

[catsanddogsfightless]

DH had some car repairs done to his absolute pride and joy. We're not talking a standard runaround car here. I knew the repairs were likely to be costly and I asked approx how much on the day he collected the car.I asked him what does the bill total start with? DH told me it was a lot.I said 'yes I know, but what number does it start with'? He said 'a 4'. We are talking thousands. I accepted that and thought oh well it isn't like he spends that very often and hopefully there'll be no more of that. A couple of days ago I went peering through statements and invoices when he was out. There is no way I expected to see what I did. The total invoices added up to more than twice the figure he admitted to. WWYD? The invoices were very very well filed and put away in a folder inside a cupboard that is actually used for DH's clothes. I would not have seen any of them by accident.

[Lagerthaisfabulous]

He spent in excess of 8k on his car?

Unless you are millionaires and money is not object, i would be fuming.

I would be really unhappy about the lying

[Lagerthaisfabulous]

But also how did you end up peering through hidden invoices?

Especially since you said you would not have found then by accident.

Is there a back story?

[cantfindagoodname]

Depending on the sort of car it is, some parts, plus labour, plus garage time all add up. Perhaps it was a 4 figure sum, but even parts like air suspension can cost a packet if they fail. Happened to me with a 5 series GT after I went over a pothole and wrecked the suspension.

I imagine you're upset if this has come out of a joint bank account, which I would understand. Sometimes you can never tell what the total price is after VAT, labour etc is all added up.

I would ask him, but if it's come out of his money, it's not worth World War 3 over. Perhaps the fear of a long conversation about the car is the reason the documents were hidden where they were

[catsanddogsfightless]

The total sum was £10,000.

I feel he's trying to score a 'revenge point' on me because I cheated years back and he can retaliate by 'lying' about the cost of the car repairs. If I tell him I've seen the invoices and credit card statement in his sole name then I blow my cover and he'll know i went hunting for receipts,papers.bills,anything that would incriminate him to something. I was only looking for evidence of him squirreling money away that he might not have told me about. This is in case we go our separate ways which honestly is on the cards. Earlier this year I suggested we go away for a couple of nights somewhere in the UK and he said we couldn't really afford it.

[SparklingRaspberry]

What's worse lying about the cost or snooping through his things?

[catsanddogsfightless]

Do I deserve to be lied to as my comeuppance for cheating on him years ago. He tells me he still feels 'second best to the OM'. OM is not in my life or DH's life and I have not seen or spoken to OM or had contact with him for years and years. DH tells me I am unapproachable and angry. I asked DH to pay me more attention than his phone and films and blue ray discs. He carries on regardless. If I text DH during working day he does not answer. when I get home from work he doesn't refer to my text. If is ask did you get a text from me he says yeah i only just saw it 10 mins ago and you would be home soon. Is this marriage dead in the water? I think it is.

[Lagerthaisfabulous]

So you cheated. He thinks that makes it ok to lie. He has a secret credit card. You snoop through all his stuff and know about his secret credit card but won't confront him because you prefer to have the power of knowing his secrets.

Why would either of you want to go away together?

How much he spent on his car is not a big issue in comparision to all this.

This marriage is dead

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

If you distrust him so much that you went snooping for proof that he was hiding money for you, I think that you already know this relationship is over at this point.

[Undercoverbanana]

This doesn't sound like a very happy situation. I think the £10k sounds like the least of your problems. I think you need to assess your priorities and workout if you can move on rather than sneak around. I hope you manage to find happiness OP.

[catsanddogsfightless]

I don't intend to confront him about the car bill. As i say the car is not a runaround car. It is his car and I have my own practical everyday car that is under warranty. He would regard his car as a 'modern classic' so much so that he only drives it alone and does not take me out in it. i presume he thinks it is gaining in value and that it is equivalent to a work of art e.g. appreciating in value over the years. we are not particularly well off and if we split up and separate/divorce he will do everything he has to do to retain his car whatever it takes.

I won't be confessing to the snooping as I don't want the argument for lots of reasons.

[hellsbellsmelons]

End this.
It's not good for either of you.
I've never even spent £10K on buying a whole car so my flab is ghasted!

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

I won't be confessing to the snooping as I don't want the argument for lots of reasons.
So what exactly is your question then?

[catsanddogsfightless]

I know that he has the credit card and to be fair he only paid a portion of the repair cost on it. I just feel sad and a bit cross that he lied. I actually would not have been happy about the £10,000 but I would have been realistic that he earns more than I do and that he is entitled to spend money on something he loves to bits. I do feel second best to his car. Its just the way he is.

[MinervaSaidThar]

Is this £10k family money? Do you have joint finances?

Take copies of the invoice so you have proof of what he spent. Take copies of all financial papers, you will need them in the event of a divorce.

[catsanddogsfightless]

I am finding it really hard to actually leave. When I leave that's the end of a 23 year relationship. We've been together all that time. Married for 18 years. I do believe we can meet someone new (in time).I can try to face living alone but the though of all the financial stuff that needs sorting out e.g. selling the house neither wants to sell. He makes me feel like I have destroyed his character. If feels like he's wrecking mine. I only socialise with my family eg parents and brother, DSIL and their kids and some of my cousins. I work full time in a very small office with females.

[OlennasWimple]

Time to wrap up this relationship. You are lying to each other, sneaking around looking for evidence of dishonesty and don't sound as though you really like each other much any more

[HerOtherHalf]

It's more than just the car, clearly. There is lack of trust and resentment on both sides. If you want the relationship to work then you both need to address the issues and try to resolve them. If you don't wsnt to try and make it work, get out and build a new life. The 23 years are spent, don't waste more on sunken costs.

[MinervaSaidThar]

OP, I get that you love your house but this relationship is wrecking you.

You will love your new home even more because he won't be in it.

Better to leave now so that you don't regret not leaving in 10 years time.

[catsanddogsfightless]

I earn approx £28K he earns £50k. Does that give him permission to spend the money to how he chooses doesn't it? It is any different to me buying a new pair of trousers or shoes or cheap handbag etc for work? He gets given his work clothes, coats and even shoes by his employer but I have to buy my own.We holiday just about 1 week per year or sometimes don't have a holiday if we're spending money on the house/DIY/etc.I feel left out and ignored on every level.He doesn't love me does he? He doesn't even like me does he? I have answered my own questions here. GAME OVER for us. I need to man up and file for separation don't I? my stomach is in knots at the prospect of having to try to get him to sort out financial matters. we own pets too and if he moves back to his M's place he can't take them with him. I want to keep our pets but in a row last year he said that he would not let me have them. This is toxic isn't it? Knots are in my stomach

[Lagerthaisfabulous]

So you are going to quietly seeth about him spending money and lying, because being able to snoop is more important.

His car is his priority and the house is more of a priority to either of you, than happiness.

You say you cheated years ago. How long has the marriage been bad?

[ScruffyLookingNerfHerder]

Eh?
His card, his debt.
You cheated, but you're worried he's preparing to leave and stashing money? (That makes me think you are)

What goes on in your house? It sounds like a sitcom. Do each other a favour and talk to each other.

[catsanddogsfightless]

I love him though. The house has caused and continues to cause grief/rows/arguments/fall outs and issues all over the place. He uses the house decorating to hold over me. He starts something inside the house and outside the house in the garden and then if we argue he stops and won't carry on with it. i literally can't stand it. I is the major reason I don;t invite my family over to our house because he feels like they tease him over the unfinished this and the unfinished that. We are living with no plaster on hall walls and ceiling and bare breezeblocks walls in the unused bedroom and some of the ceiling is missing. It's really cold in there as the heating goes up through the 'ceiling hole' into the loft space.It also gets used for storing building materials and tools and anything else you can think of.It is making me so sad. I feel miserable. It's been like it for years and years. I would actually love him to make me loved and wanted but he doesn't want me does me?

[HerOtherHalf]

Does that give him permission to spend the money to how he chooses doesn't it?

Marriage is meant to be an equal partnership with all assets and income pooled and shared. Of course, some couples may deviate from a pure 50/50 but that only works if both are fully on board and happy with their arrangement. You're not happy with any aspect of this relationship from what you've posted. Set yourself free and have a chance of happiness.

[Lagerthaisfabulous]

You dont want eachother.

Is there a reason you cant finish some decorating. Your posts are all about what he does to you. You arent a bystander in your life.

Both of you are behaving badly snd you probably should have broken up when you cheated

[OnionKnight]

Your marriage is dead.