Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it even possible that he doesnt understand?

(34 Posts)
Artemiss Mon 09-Oct-17 15:37:34

Hello. "D"F of two years is two different people. The nice one and the horrible one. You never know when he will change to this nasty horrible person. Yesterday he went into a fit of rage over me telling him that his apologies for last week (he was insulting me ) meant nothing because he just carries on doing it. This is the only thing that i said. He went into a fit of rage over the phone , his voice changed and started mocking me and insulting me. It lasted couple of hours. I went into an unemotional state and i was just listening. After a bit i started taking notes because when he is like that i genuinely forget after a bit. I dont have memory issues , just when he goes like that its like my mind goes blank. Among the insults was that he can now see my true colours, i probably nagged to death my previous partner thats why he left me( we separarted after 15 years, still on great terms) , i probably have been with at least 6 men (only two and he knows it). He is a luxury item in an expensive shop and i am a worthless piece of shit , a pound shop item. I should apologise to him (no idea what for). He doesnt give a shit what i think because i am delusional. I am stupid (i said i can not hold the hone and talk to him while cooking) and i need extra hands for what people with basic IQ do easy. If i have any more clown stories to say or if i done . I pre plan to make him angry (??)so i can have something to nag him about. My value is diminished because i had a child with another man (miscarriage with previous partner ten years ago) and i better start realizing that he is making a favor. Etc etc
I stayed quiet, and that angered him even more. I just put the phone down and went to sleep. Today he pretends that nothing happened. He messaged "hoping" (demanding) "some love" and "nice words". He acts as its a normal day. He even messaged that i am probably busy (i dont reply to him) and "we can perhaps figure out something later "
I find it impossible to believe that he deosnt understand what he is doing. Can someone please explain to me whats going on with him, if you have been in similar situations. I want to break up with him but i am scared because he can get so nasty. I believe that if i understand whats happening it will be helpful for me

Cambionome Mon 09-Oct-17 15:40:00

He understands full well what he's doing. He is a nasty, aggressive piece of shit.

parkednearby Mon 09-Oct-17 15:40:35

Oh, he knows exactly what he's doing, and yes, he is doing it on purpose.

It is called abuse.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 09-Oct-17 15:42:07

Why would you even listen to him? Are you frightened of him?

Allabitmuchisntit Mon 09-Oct-17 15:42:40

I can empathise.
First question - does he drink a lot?

busyboysmum Mon 09-Oct-17 15:42:49

LTB it will escalate to physical violence eventually.

Josuk Mon 09-Oct-17 15:43:27

OP - you don’t need to understand why he is being like this. You need to block him on all media and move on.

He is your Fiancé of two years? You need to run and run fast, or you’ll destroy what’s left of your self-esteem.

pallisers Mon 09-Oct-17 15:45:38

who cares whether he knows or not. Either way won't change a thing.
just dump him. You'll be so much happier.

parkednearby Mon 09-Oct-17 15:49:42

OP, he will not change (and you cannot help him to change either).

He is an unmitigated bastard and you need to get away from his clutches as soon as possible.

Brahms3rdracket Mon 09-Oct-17 15:58:10

Of course he knows, unless he has dementia or other memory issues, he ranted that evil bile for two hours.

You're not actually still planning to marry this bully are you?

Butterymuffin Mon 09-Oct-17 16:00:25

So he harangued you on the phone for two hours? Life's too short to go through that. Walk away, he's not a good person.

KatharinaRosalie Mon 09-Oct-17 16:14:30

I could not stay engaged to a man who called me a worthless piece of shit.

And yes he knows very well what he's doing. Seems to be getting away with it, so why change?

KatharinaRosalie Mon 09-Oct-17 16:19:35

For breaking up, any chance you could go stay with friends or family for a while? Then pack his things and send him a message where he can pick them up.
Does he have your key? Can you quietly steal it back?

steppemum Mon 09-Oct-17 16:23:19

blimey if anyone had said all of that to me is would be relationship over.

Even when I am furious with dh, neither of us would offer up a list of complete horrible abuse like that.

read back what you have written, see how nasty it is? write down the names he called you and the accusations he threw at you.

Why are you with this person?

being horrible and then pretending everything is fine is typical abusive behaviour.

Run a mile

Angelf1sh Mon 09-Oct-17 16:29:29

Am I understanding this right - you stayed on the phone listening to him haranguing/abusing you for several hours? Why would you listen to it? Just hang up on him ffs! I think you need to work on your self-esteem immediately, you shouldn't put up with two minutes of abuse, let alone hours of it. For some reason you think you have to listen to whatever rubbish comes out of his mouth and then you're still giving him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't know he's done something wrong! Once you've realised you're worth more than you currently realise, you'll know what to do next.

LemonysSnicket Mon 09-Oct-17 16:36:28

I am culpable of being nasty to people I love when I fly into a rage ( usually when drunk - funny that).
However, I have never gone as far as anything your P said to you. That is vile ... and he has sunk to very low, disgusting, abusive comments. Additionally, to get past even lesser comments than that there needs to be a discussion, an acknowledgement, and a major apology. After this there has to be progressions and change. If it is to do with when he drinks then like me he needs to limit alcohol.

He has evidenced that he will not do any of these things ... I doubt he even regrets his behaviour. You definitely need to leave this man.
If you have family can they come over and wait upstairs when you do break up with him? Or can you stay with them and call him?
If not I would suggest logging your concerns with police if you’re worried for your safety and perhaps warning them of the date - I don’t know if this is a done thing but it seems wise to me.
Alternatively try seeking some abuse phone lines and discuss your concerns with them and see if they have advice about the situation ?

I hope all turns out okay. flowersflowers

merville Mon 09-Oct-17 16:39:18

* i probably have been with at least 6 men (only two and he knows it).
...My value is diminished because i had a child with another man (miscarriage with previous partner ten years ago)*

Major major red flags re. attitude to women - are you a commodity? A piece of property? Is your womb property?
How awful that you are not all shiny, new and in your plastic packet for him; he should clearly move to an islamic fundamentalist country and get a child bride who's been kept pristine.

*He is a luxury item in an expensive shop and i am a worthless piece of shit , a pound shop item.
He doesnt give a shit what i think because i am delusional.
I am stupid (i said i can not hold the hone and talk to him while cooking)
i need extra hands for what people with basic IQ do easy.
If i have any more clown stories to say or if i done .
I pre plan to make him angry (??)so i can have something to nag him about. *

Holy holy f*ck.

He's a psycho.
Read Lundy Bancroft - Abuser's profiles (segments are on here in a thread) - he hits quite a few profiles.

I went out with someone a bit like this - he also acted as if nothing had happened and he'd not said anything afterward. He was still doing it when I finished with him, he was never going to stop it .. they can't.

a. to put you down so you feel lucky to have them and will not leave them .. no-one normal/healthy needs to do this.
b. to put you down to feel good about themselves - see above.
c. because they enjoy it - get a kind of high out of it at the time - using someone as a verbal punch-bag - it's they way they're wired.

I don't think it will stop, it would require change they are not capable of.

MorrisZapp Mon 09-Oct-17 16:39:45

You are planning to marry a man who says you're a peice of crap from the Poundshop?

Surely not.

pudding21 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:40:12

He knows it. I have an ex exactly the same, we have been separated 8 months and at the weekend he sent me messages saying how much of a beautiful wonderful person I am and the most sincere woman he has ever met. That he would do anything to "spoon me" and stroke my hair one more time.

Then literally 5 minutes later called me a condescending bitch along with the rest of my family and he was so happy we separated. That I live with my head stuck up my arse, how sick he is that I think I am special and how he can't be bothered anymore (bothered with what I am not sure).

I have wondered if he has a personality disorder, but now I just think he is a abusive twat. Trust me, it won't get better.

Gilead Mon 09-Oct-17 16:41:28

You need to get out of this relationship. Fast!

yetmorecrap Mon 09-Oct-17 16:44:12

A complete nasty headcase-- get rid of him --fast!!

MysteryJellyfish Mon 09-Oct-17 16:44:29

It makes no difference if he knows or not. It’s entirely unacceptable.

Even IF he had no idea, it would take a lifetime of therapy to make even a minimal difference, if that, and quite frankly you have better things to do with your life than wait for that change.

Get out now. You might be sad, but that’s nothing compared to how you’ll feel in a few years if you stay.

But you know that, that’s why you wrote it down.

iklboo Mon 09-Oct-17 16:45:09

He knows exactly what he's doing - undermining your confidence and self-worth. Ex-p did this with me but I was fairly young at the time and he persuaded me I was fat, ugly, stupid, worthless and no-one else would want me. I believed him and moved in. It escalated very quickly.

springydaffs Mon 09-Oct-17 16:46:32

No, op has said she is leaving him.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? '. It gives you a clear picture of why.

If you are concerned for your safety then do take that seriously: contact Women's Aid (look on their site for your local WA office) or call the police to talk to the domestic violence unit. Please don't think all domestic violence is physical, tho it is well known that leaving an abuser is the danger time for very serious violence.

Look after yourself op.

underthebluemoon Mon 09-Oct-17 16:48:57

Have you posted about him before?

He will make you miserable. Please make plans to leave.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: