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Sexually frustrated and TTC doubts

(16 Posts)
0hDeer Mon 09-Oct-17 14:42:22

Name changed for obvious reasons. I am sorry if this is TMI but I am going crazy.

DP and I have been taking about TTC early next year and getting excited about starting a family and all the rest of it. We are late 20s/early 30s and have been together for almost a decade and are mostly happy. However.

Our sex life is pretty abysmal. I'm lucky to have sex twice a month and he says his sex drive is low - but I've heard him masturbating in the shower. Which leads me to think that he just isn't interested in me? We talk about this and nothing really changes. It's just so humiliating to make an effort and be rejected literally every time. I've had sex even when I wasn't in the mood because I didn't know when I would next get the opportunity and this makes me hate myself. I also feel like an absolute sex pest and it's really knocking my confidence.

I've seen on here, and heard from friends, that your sex drive dies after having a baby and a part of me is sad about that but another part thinks that might be for the best as it'll put an end to me being so frustrated every month. But then that's no way to live your life, is it? But if I had a baby and was very wrapped up in that, would I even care?

I don't really know what I'm asking, I guess I just want to hear about others' experiences? I have basically given up on trying to make DP desire me.

Huskylover1 Mon 09-Oct-17 14:46:01

I wouldn't have children with this man. I think you need to find someone you are sexually compatible with.

underthebluemoon Mon 09-Oct-17 14:50:32

I agree with Husky. This will get worse. A new baby will be your priority yes, but it is not a sticking plaster for this problem. Consider ending it and finding someone else. Sorry OP.

Gimmeareason Mon 09-Oct-17 14:50:55

How do you plan on actually conceiving then. You know it can sometimes take loads of goes, right?

Batteriesallgone Mon 09-Oct-17 14:53:07

Agree with Husky

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries Mon 09-Oct-17 14:55:02

I've seen on here, and heard from friends, that your sex drive dies after having a baby

I would really, really not count on that. Yes, morning sickness and fractured sleep and being "touched out" are not massive passion enhancers for many women. But that stops as children get older, and most people get their mojo back. Birth injuries heal. And for most people, sex is an important "glue" and source of connection and intimacy that helps get you through times of stress and pressure.

Although I want to counter something in your post: sex with a partner and masturbation are two different things. The fact that he might get off solo doesn't mean he wanted sex but not with you. It just means he wanted to get off solo.

That said, let's imagine the two of you trying to TTC. You want a baby, so you want to have sex when you're fertile. But he doesn't really want to. How do you see that playing out for you? Are you going to be OK with letting several months go by in which you essentially don't have any sex in your fertile period? (Remember, you have 5 days a month to play with, essentially - outside that, sex isn't going to get you pregnant.) How are you going to be feeling towards him after that? What if you want more than 1, or either of you turns out to have fertility issues?

I don't think TTC with this man is a good idea. TTC and children magnify and widen differences and points of stress, generally, not decrease them. I would give the whole relationship a serious rethink. Having children is very, very unlikely to make you OK with never being touched again.

CoyoteCafe Mon 09-Oct-17 14:55:23

While my sex drive did go way down after having my 2nd child, it came back. My DH and I have a lovely sex life.

I honestly think you should end your relationship because it doesn't work for you, and will never give you what you want long term.

Once the baby grows up a bit, you'll go back to feeling the way you do now, only with a "post baby" body and bit older. It will feel worse.

WereNotbrokenJusbent Mon 09-Oct-17 14:55:40

I'm in the same boat OP, we already have one Dd and he talks about trying for another! We never have sex and I'm fed up of trying it on.

Have also had loads of talks and nothing is changing!

category12 Mon 09-Oct-17 15:01:24

Your chances of getting pregnant are not that great if you're having so little sex (does he really want dc?) .

But do you really think your best plan is to try and kill your libido rather than face the fact that you and he are mismatched sexually?

What does he say about it?

I would reconsider the relationship tbh - this is your whole life in front of you - do you really want to live like this? Harder to leave if/when you have dc, this might be the best time to jump ship and find someone better suited.

beesandknees Mon 09-Oct-17 15:02:21

I've always had a high drive. It dipped after birth and then after I stopped breast feeding it sky rocketed - to the point where there were days I would literally cry with frustration after orgasm, because even an orgasm would not relieve the sexual pressure. It was actually torture. My ex h used to withhold sex to punish me and it was agony.

It's now 3 years on and I still would prefer to have sex 2-3 times a day - that was always my baseline and I've returned to it.

Don't rely on a change in sex drive to fix this. You need to be with someone compatible. If you are as unlucky as me, you will be so so miserable x

LellyMcKelly Mon 09-Oct-17 15:07:31

Your sex life with this man now is the best it is going to get. If it's like this with no kids, it's 10 times more effort once you have kids, especially when they're small. I had a sexless marriage for 6 years and no way would I do it again. I didn't realise, but it impacted on every element of my life. It affected my self esteem, what I wore, my 'energy' around other people. We split 3 years ago (turned out he was gay) and I met my DP about 6 months later, and he is the complete opposite - loves sex and intimacy, loves telling me I'm gorgeous (I'm average at best!), and reacts with wild enthusiasm when I cough slip into something a little more comfortable - and I have blossomed. I feel amazing, so much happier, and have so much more time to give other people because my head is so much clearer. Sex is the glue for many relationships and you need to work out whether it is a deal breaker for yours.

Forme2016 Mon 09-Oct-17 15:10:29

This was me at 28, together for ten years, married for two and wanting a baby.

Fast forward 16 years and we are now getting divorced. We miraculously managed to have two wonderful DC (and we rarely had sex more than twice a year) and I felt utterly rejected and unattractive.

Two years ago STBXH decided that sex was important to him after all, lost weight, bought Viagra and got involved with a colleague 12 years younger. I had long given up trying to initiate anything.

I am now in a new relationship and am finally experiencing a fantastic healthy sex life grin. The feeling of being desired is incredible and I now realise just how important it is in a successful relationship.

Yes, a baby will be a wonderful addition to your life OP but please don’t undervalue yourself by settling for a sexless relationship. I know how soul destroying that can be and with hindsight wish I had had a forum such as this, then I wouldn’t have spent many years being unhappy and blaming myself for what I now see as being his issue.

shihtzubabies Mon 09-Oct-17 15:37:18

Hi OP, I am in a very similar situation. Both mid/late twenties and once a month was a good month for us. We have spoken about the issue in depth over the years with DH saying things will improve, ive tried various things to try and bring some excitement back all to no avail. I am aware he masturbates and watches porn and like you this adds to my feelings of rejection.

I am now 8 months pregnant and have had no intimacy during my pregnancy, not just sex, no cuddles or kisses, anything to feel close to my husband. I'm now seriously considering leaving, as I feel so unwanted in my marriage and my self esteem/ confidence has took a huge knock. I wonder how many more years I can go on like this? As I don't see how things will improve after the arrival of our baby. I would definitely give your relationship some serious thought before TTC as the feelings of rejection don't improve while pregnant.

0hDeer Mon 09-Oct-17 16:16:17

God, this is all so depressing.

I'm now wondering if he's withholding sex as a "punishment" too sad

You're brought up to think that it's the lads who are "sex-mad" and end up in a situation like this.

This seems like a bad reason to end a relationship, especially in my position. Not to drip-feed, but I do have a physical disability and wonder if it's that suddenly putting him off and whether I'd find anyone else. I never get chatted up or anything so feel reluctant to throw away an otherwise good relationship.

But still, I am so frustrated.

I really need to think sad this feels like a rock and a hard place situation.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries Mon 09-Oct-17 16:40:07

This seems like a bad reason to end a relationship, especially in my position. Not to drip-feed, but I do have a physical disability and wonder if it's that suddenly putting him off and whether I'd find anyone else. I never get chatted up or anything so feel reluctant to throw away an otherwise good relationship.

Don't sell yourself short. People with disabilities can and do have very fulfilling sex lives and you absolutely can find another partner if you choose to end this relationship. Also, tbh, it doesn't sound like the sex has ever been that great? Did you have the early period where you were at it like rabbits and couldn't keep your hands off each other?

Sex is a really important part of a relationship and a relationship which is "great... EXCEPT for the sex" is a relationship with problems. It has brought down many a marriage. Please don't underestimate the importance of physical intimacy, of feeling wanted and desired, and of having compatible (if not identical) sex drives and a mutual commitment to a satisfying shared sex life.

mindutopia Mon 09-Oct-17 18:25:31

Not everyone has a high sex drive and there are many people who would be perfectly happy with twice a month. I would say we are definitely at that level before we TTC our first, but we had busy lives, work in the evening, and frankly don't have much quality time except on the weekends. That's just how life is sometimes. I suspect things were probably quite different when you first got together, but after 10 years (my husband and I have been together about the same time), kids or no kids, things are just different. I didn't see it as a problem, nor is masturbation as the two are often very separate for people and fulfill very different needs (it doesn't at all mean he isn't attracted to you). But if you aren't happy and you have very different sex drives, that could be a problem if one of you isn't willing to adjust to the others needs.

Do you think there's a reason he isn't willing to try more often? Does he struggle to keep an erection? Does he feel anxious about sex? Has his body changed, do you think he could feel self-conscious? Is he stressed at work or dealing with anything that might cause him to be distracted or lose interest in sex? Does he maybe not want to have kids and sex is a source of anxiety for that reason? It's possible, like you said, that you have a physical disability and that makes him feel uncomfortable, like he's going to hurt you, etc. It could be lots of things. Or you might just have different sex drives, which is normal and perfectly healthy, just frustrating, I'm sure. I would try bringing it up in a non-judgemental way.

Your sex life does change after you have kids, mostly because you spend so little time together alone. It's not so much your sex drive changes, just that you have different priorities - like an extra 30 minutes of sleep. But it's always ebbing and flowing. I would say I didn't have much interest when my daughter was a baby or a young toddler, but it's increased as she's gotten older and we are more rested and have more time together again. TTC shouldn't be an issue - if you decide that's the right thing for you - even if you're only having sex once or twice a month. It's the timing, not the frequency, that matters. I've gotten pregnant first or second month trying 3 times now only having sex twice in a month. That's the most we could manage those months and it worked perfectly fine, not an issue for us.

A lifelong partnership is about much more than sex. It's about love and having fun together and sharing the same dreams and visions of the future, but you have to feel like your needs and wishes are being respected (just as your partner needs to feel like his are), so I would just talk about it, and maybe try to work out ways together than you can re-ignite the spark. I know for us, it took concerted effort and planning when things weren't as great as they used to be and we were tired and sex wasn't a priority, but it did work and it did help.

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