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Exhausted husband with nothing left to give at the weekend.(88 Posts)
My DH has his own company and works really hard. He has had a particularly busy week travelling around the country and is very stressed about his current projects.
We have 3DC and our youngest has just started in Reception. I have been a sahm for the last four years and have just started to work two days a week.
I get so frustrated at the weekends when my DH is 'absent' while at home. He has nothing left to give to me and the DC as he's used all his energy and enthusiasm at work. Things have been particularly stressful this weekend and I've felt like I've been treading on eggshells and trying to stop him losing his temper with the kids.
I have barely sat down all weekend and he's been out to swimming lessons and rugby with the DC but then slept on the sofa all Saturday afternoon and again this afternoon. He has hardly spoken to me.
This is not how I imagine weekends to be.
How do you cope with this without getting pissed off and resentful??
He may be tired but that isn't an excuse to act the arse. Give him Saturday to sort his head out and tell him he has to be on form on Sunday - present, engaged, kind - or he can have Sunday plus the rest of his life to himself too.
When do you suggest he recharges? Genuine question. Being really busy and stressed all week means you need time at weekends to get yourself back together. You can't just keep going with no rest forever.
You said he took the dc out to their activities so it's not like he's done nothing with them all weekend.
Do you get time for yourself to rest?
I hear you op. I don't know what the solution is. If you have a high-powered job with lots of travel you have to recupedate a bit at w/es. Not as hard for me with only one dc, but it can be difficult at times. My plans tend to get shelved rather a lot. But to be fair to dh, he tries to do too much when he is at home, he just can't disguise the fact that he is "absent" and disengaged even when he's here tbh. He's just too tired. I am very aware that it is his efforts that support us all financially though.
Meant to add, he does come back to life and back to his old self during holidays!
And to be fair you have 3 days off in the week with the kids at school and I expect if you're totally honest there must be a little bit of recharging and me time going on then! Life is hard with jobs and young kids and parents sometimes need to tag team the parenting and support each other
Is it really his lack of interest in you that's the real problem here?
What would you like him to be doing? He is working very hard to support his family and he is available for children’s activities at the weekend. He needs to rest at some point.
Make sure you space your holidays through the year and make them your goals for full family relaxation and accept that in between at this stage in your lives there is a hamster wheel element to life.
The option is a complete rethink for you both re work / life etc.
There is only one solution really - he needs to cut back his hours.
You get three days to your self
He gets no days to himself
Take them swimming yourself and let him have a lie in
Tell him to sell the company so he can be at your beck and call. Not sure what you will do for money but at least you will have him around in a way that suits you better.
I Was in a similar situation with do working offshore and abroad and coming home exhausted . I did swimming on a sat morning . He had quiet morning to himself but once that was over he was much more refreshed
Poor man. He's working all hours of the week to support his family. He does Saturday activities but is a bit tired so isn't making matchstick model battleships or filling the house with laughter.
Life with little ones isn't always sunshine and roses. It's hard work for both parties - in different ways perhaps but still hard work when done properly. You already seem to have the better deal and run the risk of pushing him towards illness rather than supporting him. Are there things you could do to ease his lot? Could you reduce his stress through kindness and tolerance?
If he builds a successful business then you will undoubtedly want to share in the benefit his brings a few years down the line - so accept the short term challenges.
What time does he go to bed on Friday and Saturday night and wake up in the mornings?
A good nights sleep and being able to sleep in if he needed to helped my dh to be present for the rest of the day and more even tempered.
Timetable family time in advance. Ask him what he’d like to do with the family. It could be low key if he’s tired. Things like a walk, dinner out or watching s film together.
Let him know that you will not be walking on eggshells in your own home and his moods are not acceptable. It’s one thing being tired but another being angry and taking out on your family.
I get where you are coming from OP.
My dp is a builder. He travels to work which could be up to about 80 miles away. Works hard in a physically demanding job. Then comes home and we have paperwork and the admin to sort. Plus he has the mental pressures of running the jobs.
But it is so relentless being at home with small dcs.
What stopped the arguments with us was agreed time for him to recharge. And me too.
So Saturday morning we do something with the dcs. It might be a long walk or soft play or on our allotment. Saturday afternoon we all 'chill' together. Dp tends to watch sport on tv. Ds and I might potter around outside. Or I take the dcs to my mums for a couple of hours. Dp cooks saturday night.
Sunday morning I have my lie in. We all do something like the allotment or walk depending what we did saturday. Do some chores like ironing. I cook a sunday roast for about 4.30pm and after tea dp baths ds then dp goes upstairs, has a bath and goes to bed to watch t.v. for a few hours.
Suits me as after ds is in bed I get a few hours peace too.
It's important that dp does get some rest. For his physical as well as mental health.
Is there an underlying real issue here?
I’m really struggling to see what he’s doing wrong? If it the work/life balance thing, could he reduce hours and you work or even switch roles?
It sounds a bit like you’re taking each other for granted
The OP doesn’t get three days to herself though. She has three days when she’s not working her part time job.
When did he/all of you have a proper break?
Is this every weekend?
It’s hard because it sounds all go go go. Is there any way you guys can afford a short term solution like help with housework? A baby sitter of an evening?
How does your partner feel about working so hard. Granted, I see he’s not been awake to speak to, but still.
He is a person, not a form of entertainment for you and the kids. Have you got a holiday booked / is he having some time off for Christmas? He will need to recharge at some point and then I'm sure he will be in a better mood.
She has three days when she's not working her part time job
... that would be the part time job that she does on the other 2 days?
In OP's situation, I'd maybe organise a fun family activity- possibly something like going to the park/for a walk which will hopefully be quite relaxing and good for OP's DH, but give them some family time together.
He needs to learn to manage his stress, for himself as much as for you. He's clearly way too tightly wound in his downtime, which means that it's not really effective as downtime - he's not relaxing.
I think you need to take some urgent action to get him to deal with his stress - some kind of gentle exercise, mindfulness, and a reduced rota of weekend activities for the DC so you can spend time as a family would be helpful. Sometimes I think parents are so eager to make sure their kids' lives are filled with activities (for the best possible reasons) that they forget the value of the basics - quietness, love, care, a happy and stress-free home, and imaginative play.
It is possible to have a stressful job and to compartmentalise so that it doesn't have a huge and negative impact on the home. My DH does this - he uses a combination of exercise, mindfulness and occasional counselling if he needs to talk something out with a neutral person. He's at the top of his field globally, but he is very seldom grumpy or stressed at home.
But she does get three days (at least in school hours) to herself.
Tbh, OP, I've little sympathy. I work for myself, but I'm not the sole/main earner. To do so in that position must be horrendously stressful. You already get more time to yourself than he does - even assuming you have to travel for the school run, I'd guess you're getting 9.30-2.30 three times a week. Some of that will presumably involve chores, but surely not all of it. Plus you can set your own pace. And if your dh took your dc to rugby and swimming, why did you 'hardly sit down'? Why didn't you have a rest then?
Presumably the moodiness thing isn't every weekend, but this week in particular because of the recent stress? It wouldn't be on if it were a constant thing, but you've said nothing to indicate that. We're all human.
I had a couple of years where my DH was leaving at 6.45am, coming back literally to eat tea and shower and then working again until 9/10pm and I know it's not easy - I found myself worrying about how to sort household and family problems out as I didn't want to add pressure to him. I knew he'd sometimes be working at weekends and often suggested a game Sat afternoon to find it didn't happen. However, when he did have time and an energy spurt he was always up for playing a game, going for a walk or even tea out at the local pub.
I think it requires compromise on both sides and you need to have a chat about how you both feel. There are times you have to understand he's exhausted by work, but at the same time he has to give what he can when he can. This is his time to enjoy the kids rather than find them irritating, if he just wants to relax on the settee perhaps sometimes he could just look at a book with one, watch a film one or two of the kids would like. Physically and mentally it would do him good to get out, so even a walk locally or to the park is a change or going out for half the day on Sunday.
Hang on, the form of entertainment comment is a bit harsh! I am sure the op is aware of that. She is alone with three dc all week, dealing with illness, poss broken nights, all school runs and organisation. She doesn't have three days of leisure; she has six hours x 3 days in which to shop, clean, do the washing, cook etc. She is naturally looking forward to a bit of respite at weekends and to share the responsibility if not the physical load; to feel like she and her dh are a team. As I said in earlier post, this is not always easy when one of you is working flat out/running their own business. There is no easy solution.
Op, can you afford to hire any help for yourself mid-wk, so you can have a couple of hrs to yourself one afternoon? Or perhaps get a cleaner?
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