Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Fiance wants to move to New York with me and my DS.

(77 Posts)
workingmamma33 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:33:43

My fiance has been offered a kick ass job in New York, his dream job. Three times his current salary, corner office etc...

We have been together a year, I have a DS 8, whose not his and they have been working on developing a bond over the past six months since we have lived together but it has been very tough. My DS is very sensitive (and has found it hard adjusting to having a stepdad on the scene). We also moved to a new area only six months ago so my son is also settling into a new school. It doesnt help that my DS is quite cheeky and my fiance has a son whose an angel.

DS says he wont take job because of me, he thinks I would hate being a SAHM, which to be fair I would. I am currently in a great job as a charity CEO, he is also worried about my son.

Our relationship has been a bit rocky, he gets insanely jealous sometimes and I feel that we argue alot about my son, although he makes lots of effort in person (they both do) they complain bitterly behind each others back about the other one not liking them.

On one hand, if I were single I would leap at chance to go to USA, but the relationship is still so early days and I am not sure whether the whole move to a new country thing is just one step too far.

So I guess the question is do I just tell him now to take thr job as he is a bit jealous anyway and a little bit controlling? He has never harmed me or been mean, but he is just very traditional and thinks he must make the money decisions. etc.....

Worried about implications of being the “one who stood in the way”. Do I dramatically send him packing, quite literally? I love him but the red flags have all started to ping up recently, things like him reading my texts and whatsapps, listening to calls, etc....Is it better for me to tell him how I feel now, so he can take up this great opportunit he has always dreamed of? Or give him the benefit of the doubt? get him to stay and not move to NY... HELP!!!! GOT to make a decision by tomorrow....Thanks very much.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 08-Oct-17 22:35:24

Tell him to go. Stay in your job, with your son. It's a no brainer from what you've written.

jeaux90 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:36:59

Single mum to an 8 year old dd here. I have a fab career and absolutely no way I would uproot her or give up my job for anyone. Let alone someone displaying so many red flags.

I would encourage him to go.

Runningissimple Sun 08-Oct-17 22:37:10

Let it go. No hard feelings. It's hard though flowers

needanivoftea Sun 08-Oct-17 22:37:21

Let him go, I think you already know this isn't going to end well

Tenpenny Sun 08-Oct-17 22:37:37

Oh God, let him go.

Frazzled2207 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:38:25

Let him go.

Solasum Sun 08-Oct-17 22:39:54

It sounds like your whole relationship has moved too fast. You are engaged and cohabiting after only a year when you have a child. You have uprooted him after only 6 months of being together? No wonder your DS is upset.

Tell your fiancé to go. Don't go with him.

nauticant Sun 08-Oct-17 22:39:57

Tell him to go.

pallisers Sun 08-Oct-17 22:40:48

things like him reading my texts and whatsapps, listening to calls, etc....

Our relationship has been a bit rocky, he gets insanely jealous sometimes and I feel that we argue alot about my son, although he makes lots of effort in person (they both do) they complain bitterly behind each others back about the other one not liking them.

as he is a bit jealous anyway and a little bit controlling? He has never harmed me or been mean, but he is just very traditional and thinks he must make the money decisions. etc.....

I wouldn't marry someone of whom I could write the above (or even some of the above). So I'd tell him it is over now so he can take the job if he wants to.

I wonder though, since he seems so understanding of moving to NYC being a good move for you, whether he wants you to say "no I'm not moving" so he can turn down the job and then hold it over you that you made him do that and now you owe him. How likely is this move anyway if you weren't in the picture? What about his own son?

pallisers Sun 08-Oct-17 22:41:20

moving to NYC NOT being a good move for you

IfyouseeRitaMoreno Sun 08-Oct-17 22:41:28

I’m sorry but it’s a win win situation.

Go to live in a foreign country with a man who is controlling, reads your texts and listens in on your calls. Isolate yourself at home without a job, any friends or financial independence and a son who misses home and doesn’t actually like the man you’ve decided he must live with.

And to top it all off if anything, god forbid, should happen to you, make sure you’re in a country where getting medical treatment costs a fortune.

It’s a yes from me hmm

butterfly56 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:42:28

Encourage him to go and give each other some space. You can always join him for holidays if the relationship lasts.

tribpot Sun 08-Oct-17 22:45:01

Under no circumstances allow yourself to be made into the 'one who stood in the way'. I think he wants to manipulate you into being responsible for the decision either way. Best thing you can do is finish with him so he knows you aren't preventing him from taking his dream job because you want him to stay for you.

You moved in with someone after six months and moved your ds to a new school at the same time. I think you've upheaved his life enough for this man who frankly sounds bloody awful.

strartingtotry Sun 08-Oct-17 22:51:50

The relationship doesn't sound very healthy so I would say he honest with him about how you feel and tell him you don't want him to miss out on this opportunity so you think he should go.

I also don't like the idea of him moaning about your ds to you behind his back, I understand your ds doing it as he is a child but considering your son has had to move to a new area etc I think your partner should understand that there will be teething issues for your son with the move and you having a new partner when he is probably used to having you all to himself.

MrsKnightley Sun 08-Oct-17 22:52:43

Would you even get a visa if not married? That might be a way to keep the relationship alive, if that is what you want, but long distance, keeping your job and your options.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Sun 08-Oct-17 22:53:25

Are you allowed to live in the US? Their immigration laws are very strict so I see that his firm will organise his work visa but if you're not married (and assuming you're not American) can you even go?

Loopytiles Sun 08-Oct-17 22:53:44

Don’t go. Break off the engagement.

pallisers Sun 08-Oct-17 22:54:24

Yes your visa status would be dicey and it is highly unlikely that you and your son would be covered by his health insurance leaving you terribly exposed. He must know this.

stitchglitched Sun 08-Oct-17 22:55:51

You've already put your child through a hell of a lot for this man who doesn't sound remotely worth it, don't compound the damage even further.

cresit Sun 08-Oct-17 22:58:58

How often will he see his own child? Doesn't that bother him?

MrsBertBibby Sun 08-Oct-17 23:00:20

Where is your son's dad in all this?

CocoaIsGone Sun 08-Oct-17 23:01:30

Let him go to NY and get out the relationship. You have too many red flags, I am afraid. Your DS will be happier without the stepdad, and your life sounds it would be more peaceful.

Did your DP love bomb you or what? It all moved very fast. I want to say ‘what were you thinking?’ But he probably was very charming and wooed you with talk of marraige and happy families. Now you are living together and engaged and the true controlling colours are showing.

Does he even have this job? Even if he does, why would you move so far for a relationship with such problems already, let alone move your son? Let him go. Get your own life back.

GriefLeavesItsMark Sun 08-Oct-17 23:02:01

Why not just visit him for holidays?

BestZebbie Sun 08-Oct-17 23:03:31

If you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, a couple of years break can be made to work.

If, more likely, he is a controlling person and neither of you would be that bothered to keep up an LDR across an ocean, quit whilst you are ahead and dump him now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now