DH sleeps on sofa EVERY evening!!

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

It drives me utterly mad. DH falls asleep every single evening on the sofa - often while I'm up putting the kids to bed (8.30-9). Or if not, by 9.30 at the latest. So I turn the TV up enough to hear it over his snoring (but not enough that he wakes up, turns it down - then goes back to sleep!!) So I go to bed alone - and more often than not wake up alone too, as he's either got up early, or gone to the spare room.

He gets up early for work but I get up about half an hour later, so I can understand he's tired - but his hours don't explain his sleep patterns. And it happens at the weekend too.

Things aren't good at the moment, so I think this might be a deliberate - or unconscious - way of checking out of the relationship.

I'm unhappy - and lonely - in my own marriage. But I don't know if this is IT. The kids find him increasingly grumpy - and can be upset by his moods. But they also love him.

I don't know what to do... Sorry, think this is about more than sleep!!

[BadHatter]

What’s wrong with your marriage?

[meowimacat]

Ughhh this brings back memories...the sofa sleeping was something that caused the end of my relationship. My OH did this for about a year (not every night) but often enough, and it just hurt so much to go to bed alone and wake up alone when he was just downstairs! Some nights I wouldn't be able to sleep as I'd be so upset, so I'd wake him up and after nagging he'd come up, but a lot of the time he'd just fall asleep again. How awful is it, I had to beg my ex to sleep in the same bed as me!! Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep over it, and that horrible lonely feeling. In the end I just stopped caring as it seemed he'd already checked out of the relationship, even if it was subconciously.

All I will say is don't stay with someone if you aren't happy, no matter how much the kids love him - they always will and should - but do YOU love him? (and not in a 'I care about him' way) Are YOU happy in the relationship?

Maybe he's just miserable with his life etc. that's what it was with my ex OH, he was depressed and so sort of punishing me for that. I think also our relationship had become boring and so he felt no point in coming upstairs.

But to be honest, you get what you put up with. Either speak with him about it and tell him how you feel, and tell him it's not acceptable. If it happens any more tell him that you're not sure you can be in a relationship that involves him sleeping on the sofa. If not then seriously consider your options. I can honestly say I'm happier alone now than I was in a lonely relationship with him on the sofa.

Hugs xx

[Zaphodsotherhead]

My OH has at least two naps a day in a chair, and often falls asleep on the sofa. He texts me to tell me, because we don't live together. We don't live together because he falls asleep in chairs and on the sofa like an old man.

Tell him how annoying it is. If he carries on doing it, then he doesn't care what you think and you have your answer.

[Dowser]

Wondering if he has sleep apnoea.
If they aren't getting their oxygen, because they are snoring loudly they do get very sleepy during the day/ early evening .
Does he wake himself up with snoring / can't breathe

[Timetobookaholiday]

My xdh slept on the sofa for the last 2 years of our marriage, I used to go down a beg for him to come up and sleep with me, he did about once in every 6-8 weeks.
A relationship can't last if you can't be close to each other. So it was the final closure to our marriage.
Though it did make it easier to finally end the marriage.

[BigBairyHollocks]

My DH was doing this,until I nagged him so much that it wasn't normal.He went to the doctor,diagnosed with apnoea,got a CPAP machine,and we're happier than we have been in years.We had other issues too,but honestly they've mostly been sorted by virtue of him being awake long enough to deal with things/have a conversation.

[Emptynestx2]

This happens every night with my. DH too, I don't think it's avoidance of me but he cannot stay awake and will not go to bed. I think its medical but he refuses to address it. I'm very lonely, too and also worried he will fall asleep driving. He fights it every step of the way - like a child, gets angry with me and is snoring in 5 mins and I come to bed alone.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

DH was doing this,until I nagged him so much that it wasn't normal.He went to the doctor,diagnosed with apnoea,got a CPAP machine,and we're happier than we have been in years.We had other issues too,but honestly they've mostly been sorted by virtue of him being awake long enough to deal with things/have a conversation.

This is EXACTLY our situation. He’s “present” now in our marriage, our family and our life in general in a way he hasn’t been in years.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

My ex-DH was like this (an ex for very different reasons). He was diagnosed with apnea and got a CPAP machine. His doctors said his snoring and stopping breathing was so severe that he had likely not gotten a really deep hour of sleep in years.

The first time he used the CPAP properly calibrated at home, he fell asleep nearly instantly (it was mid-afternoon). An hour later, I woke him to help cook ... and he thought he'd slept an entire night, because of how rested he felt.

Within a week, he never nodded off on the couch again.

[Joysmum]

Others saved me a LOT of typing.

Another one here who had exactly the same thing. Eventually got DH to fund a sleep study to find an average 96 incidents an hour (35 is considered a problem).

He now has a CPAP and has normal sleep, is happier and most importantly less at risk of early death.

If I'd known then...

[cresit]

What a helpful thread, some great answers.

[Mary1935]

Hi mine was like this too - would put on the tv at 9pm and within 10 mins would be asleep. It was upsetting - in the early days I'd wake him and sometimes he would come up or I'd kindly cover him - after a while I gave doing any of those things and left him. When he did manage to make it sex was on the cards but I felt used. I used to suggest he went to bed but he wouldn't go alone or couldn't sleep alone. I'm maybe making excuses but as he was so fucking charming to everyone at work all day - he used up him mental energy and would fall asleep so quickly - he'd say it was because he was so relaxed with me!!!
Yes - he's gone - after 9 years - he was emotionally and physically abusive and hey - he has to sleep alone now!!! But yes it's hurtful.

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

Thank you SO MUCH everyone... This is the first time I've posted on MN - and I didn't realise how good it would feel to be listened to!! You're quite right that I should speak up @meowimacat. I'm just losing my sense of whether I'm right to say anything or not. Nine times out of 10 he will dismiss what I'm saying and/or come up with his own gripes.

I'm sorry others have similar issues though. Hope it's helping you to share too!

OH (not really DH at the moment!) might have sleep apnoea, though he doesn't wake up from snoring in the night. But I think he should see the GP anyway for his insomnia/stress/whatever is going on. He's bought a book on insomnia, so I suppose he's trying to deal with it that way...

In terms of what's wrong with our marriage@BadHatter I think a fair bit. When I moan to friends, they say some of their OHs do similar things, but they always end up saying "but he's great at cooking" or "he's alright really". I don't.

This could be a really long post (is already!!) but here are some examples of how things are.

Our youngest DD (8) was off school after being sick in the night. I had to go to the GP for myself. So I woke him up at 9.30 (he'd gone back to bed). I expected grumbling - but he plain refused to get up because "he needed more sleep". So I had to leave her 2 floors down from him with a sick bowl. He got up over half an hour later.

At the weekend both DCs didn't want to do anything, and the oldest (10) was a bit sulky. I think they were both completely knackered - both have moved up to more full-on school years, and they'd had a busy couple of weeks. So when oldest DD had a mini tantrum at lunch about going out I started trying to her to calm down. But OH dealt with it by telling her she looked like she was having a fit...

He huffed off to the supermarket, while I was left comforting a crying child..

We argued when he got back. OH said (to me) her behaviour was pathetic and I was indulging her. I told him it was him being pathetic. It wasn't that I thought her behaviour was acceptable, just that it was her showing how shattered she was and there was no point going to town on her. Lo and behold, after a day chilling out at home, her behaviour was massively improved.

The other row this week was a long running thing. I think he prioritises what he wants to do over what needs doing. He works from home and has plenty of time for his hobbies, but seemingly not so much for laundry, school admin or cooking anything that involves more than 15 minutes in the kitchen. (I don't get home from work until at least 7 on the days I work.)

He thinks it's important to do things you enjoy. I agree - and know I don't do enough for myself - but these dull jobs need doing, and I want to give the DCs home-cooked food.

One more... There was a messy pile of drawing stuff the kids had left. OH suddenly started complaining about it (it had been there for days). I asked why - as he'd been home more - he hadn't tidied it/got the DCs to tidy it if it was bothering him so much.

He said he didn't want to do anything without checking with me first....!!

So that's my marriage.

(Thank you if you've got to the end!!)

[Zaphodsotherhead]

When you say he works from home and has plenty of time for his hobbies - is he working normal working hours? Working from home is just that - working - it's not fiddling about on a computer a bit and doing all the housework/having a nap/watching TV, unless he's doing it wrong!

I know it's frowned upon, because he should know what needs doing, but have you tried leaving him a list? A sort of 'when you're having a break from work, maybe you could put this laundry on, wash these pots, peel these potatoes?'

And don't martyr yourself on the home cooked food front, they won't die from the odd ready-meal, if it gives you both time to do other stuff.

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

@Zaphodsotherhead - his working hours are weird... From 5-7ish am, then another few hours later on. I'd say he usually does 6 hours of work a day. It is work, and starting early isn't fun - I get up only half an hour or so after him, but have a couple of hours commute before I have to actually think.

My problem is that he does have time during the day - 3-4 hours at a conservative estimate - which he uses for himself. When I get home he'll tell me how much of his draft novel he got done - but I still have to look after laundry/nit treatments etc.

A list is an option. But I feel like I shouldn't have to organise an adult!

And I promise it's not about the odd ready meal. When he got this job and was at home more I knew he would do things differently and resolved to leave him to it. (We both used to commute and I'd do home-cooked food for 3 or 4 days a week. It was fish fingers/pizza apart from that.) I'm genuinely concerned they aren't getting enough veg - weekday dinners are normally something chickeny that can be shoved in the oven plus cherry tomatoes (that they don't eat) and cucumber.

[catsanddogsfightless]

I have the same situation minus the DC.

My H has checked out of the relationship too. He used to say he wasn't tired yet even though he'd been snoring throughout late evening whilst get claimed to be watching a programme. He was asleep and snoring. H would not hug or kiss me. He's not interested in me as a person or as a human.

It sounds like depression to me. Have you suggested he speak to the GP? I asked my H to see GP but he refuses.

Sorry you are going through this. X

[Bicarb]

I had sleep apnea, and I wasn't aware of waking up, but when they did the sleep study, they found out I was waking myself up multiple times a night. You can wake up without waking up, if that makes sense.

I opted for the operation rather than the machine, which was really quite unpleasant, but it seems to have sorted things.

[LesisMiserable]

It strikes me you have empathy for your children's tiredness but not your partners. If he's up working at 5am I daresay he will be tired early doors. It sounds like your whole household is shattered tbh. Which won't be a happy atmosphere. I feel for you.

[Oblomov17]

Dh has also just got a CPAP machine.

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

@LesisMiserable - you're probably right. But I get up not much later than him and have a 4 hour commute, so yes we are all probably tired. Maybe I would have more sympathy for him if he spent more of the time and attention he does have on us.

I also wish he'd just GO TO BED!!

[Emptynestx2]

I've just suggested CPAP but my DH isn't keen..... Do you have to see a dr to get one?

[Patchouli666]

Enptynest, it's defo something he'd need to initially see his GP for. Then he'd get a referral to a sleep clinic.
Sleep apnoea is not as innocent as it sounds and can lead to heart problems so it's well worth getting your dh to go to the GP. Even if you have to make the appt and take him!

[Emptynestx2]

No I understand that and he definitely does stop breathing and fidgets a lot through out the night so obviously not resting well but I can't force him - have pointed out risk of stroke and heart attack and how much better he would with proper rest but he will not listen...

[prettywhiteguitar]

In all honesty I would be waking him up and telling him he can't sleep on the sofa anymore. He goes to bed period.

I would also be thinking of separating, what a joyless existence for you x