My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH accidentally exposed own lies and cheat. What To Do?

40 replies

Momazing · 08/10/2017 22:18

Hi moms out there,

This just happened today. I am a mom with a 6 year old. Been with the DH for 15 years. This weekend he is away on a business trip visiting a trade show. He travels about 2-3 times a year to trade shows, not an awful lot. And usually I don't suspect him of anything when he is away.

I was out at the shopping mall with my kid when I saw DH name flashed up on the screen. I thought it's strange that he would call me on the mainline when he's abroad, usually he would use WhatsApp to call instead.

When I picked up the phone. He said: " Hi babe, where are you? I am done at the trade show. You want to meet me where you left me earlier?"

I was confused. I thought to myself, isn't he in Vienna? And then it clicked my mind, that he dialled the wrong number which called my phone instead of another woman? He is there with another woman?!

I then said to him straight:" I am in the shopping mall with (kid), aren't you in Vienna? Who are you calling babe? Who are you in Vienna with? You realised you called the wrong number and reached my phone, you actually fucked yourself up here. You are lying and cheating behind my back!"

He then pretended the line was bad and hung up. I tried to call him back straight away but it was not reachable. My heart was racing, aching, trying not to cry in the mall full of people and holding my 6 year old's hand.

I then moved to a quiet corner trying to hide my tears. He called back. Frantically trying to explain that he didn't say what I thought h said?! I told him: " oh no.. I believe what I heard, I believe my own ears more than your words right now. You are basically trying to save your own mess now that you accidentally exposed your own lies and cheat."

He told me he swear on our child's and his mother's life that he is not cheating on me that I misheard him. ( I thought why the need to swear one someone's life) He asked me to calm down and have a proper talk with him about this. I ended the phone call and been ignoring all his calls and message since.

He is heading back tomorrow evening. Before he gets back, I plan to just disappear on him by getting a hotel room for couple of nights ( with my kid) just to get away from him and have some space to think about my next step. I want him to know this is serious and he could potentially loose his family. I will have to take my kid off school for 2 days which i feel guilty of but I guess I need to do.

I haven't told any of my friends but I desperately need to talk to someone and hear some advice.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Report
underthebluemoon · 08/10/2017 22:24

What a horrible experiences for you. I am glad you didn't fall for his version of events.

I think you need to gather copies of as much paperwork as you can. I don't know what else to advise at this point but Survivinginfidelity website has some advice that might be useful.

Report
JamiesJammy · 08/10/2017 22:26

Ok so I'm really sorry your DH may or may not be cheating on you but running off to a hotel with your child (presumably his child) is not the way to deal with it.
If you are in an adult relationship you need to actually speak to him (like a grown up) and find out what is what first. Running away with his child ( why do you always refer to your child as 'my' child) is ridiculous, especially if you are pulling your child out school to inflict this punishment on him when you haven't even spoken to him!

I have no idea whether he is or isn't cheating and if he is then you can deal with him then but really you need to calm down, take a breath and make some decisions with your head. Good luck.

Report
meowimacat · 08/10/2017 22:36

I think do what is right for you, if going to a hotel is what you feel like doing then do it and ignore people on here. Seriously, you need to be calm when you talk to DH not have it all blow up with your child present. You need time to cool off. My only worry is that he now has had time to cover his tracks. All messages with OW (I'm sorry but there is an OW) will have been deleted. He'll be getting everything covered so that if you snoop on him in any way there will be nothing to prove. All you will have is his word, and it sounds like he's going to deny deny deny.
I guess what you need to start working out whether you want to believe him or not. I think you're a smart woman, and you clearly know what's going on.

I'm so sorry you're going through this xx

Report
underthebluemoon · 08/10/2017 22:36

'may or may not be cheating'? Sorry, but the more I read what he said the more difficult I find it to think of another explanation.

Op, if you need space then go. Do you have family you could go to? It's a hard time to be alone.

Report
jeaux90 · 08/10/2017 22:40

Do not let him gaslight you or minimise what he has done. He is clearly cheating on you.

Please be careful about the impact on your child though, do you family near who can have your dc for the evening whilst you talk to him? Or yes leave for a couple of days if it's what you need.

Report
WickedLazy · 08/10/2017 22:40

I wouldn't go to a hotel, or upset my or the kids routine. I'd be telling him to find a hotel for a few days. I wouldn't want to risk him having the other woman in my home, or in my bed.

Report
RoderickRules · 08/10/2017 22:41

It would be good if you can keep your child in school.
Keep reality for them.

Report
RoderickRules · 08/10/2017 22:41

Yes, pack his bags.

Report
Butterymuffin · 08/10/2017 22:42

I think you've come to an accurate conclusion. Sorry this has happened. Do you have a job? How would you see things working out if you left him? What would you want from him to agree to stay together?

Jamie there's really no need to be rude about how other people phrase things.

Report
Flossy1978 · 08/10/2017 22:45

You need to pack his bags. Your child's life needs to stay as routine as possible

Pack his bags and change the locks if you own your home.

Make sure you keep a copy of all documents. Get your own money etc.

Report
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/10/2017 22:46

Please don't disrupt DC routine. Tell him to stay away whilst you clear your head, stay strong and know what you heard.

Good luck

Report
Runningissimple · 08/10/2017 22:46

I think getting away for a couple of days is a good idea. Get some real life support. You need to calm down and deal with him calmly.

Report
stopbeingadramallama · 08/10/2017 22:48

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It isn't fair that you feel you should be the one to leave the house and disrupt your child's routine. I'd be packing his bags and telling him he's the one that needs to find somewhere else to stay.

The more I read what I said, the more I think there cannot be any other explanation. I hope he realises what he's losing/ already lost. You deserve better.

I wouldn't talk to him until you've definitely decided what you want to do in the long run. Please don't mess your child around, feel like you have to make your mind up about this straight away. It's a big deal.

He sounds horrible. He surely won't be able to come up with any other excuse and if he's gonna sit there and try and pretend that you misheard what he said, then he's not even worth it anyway. No one deserved to be cheated on and lied to.

Report
JamiesJammy · 08/10/2017 22:49

I only picked up on the 'my' thing because the child has two parents. Don't get me wrong, I have full sympathy for the op if her DH is cheating, I just hate to see a child caught in the middle. OP is a parent first and a (possibly) rightly angry and hurt adult second. Dragging a child away from their home, school and father may not be the right way to go about things.

I really hope he's not cheating OP but if he is just remember you have the moral high ground here. I agree with whoever said he should go, not you and your child.

Report
Runningissimple · 08/10/2017 22:49

jamie your post is pretty obnoxious. I'm sure that the op is perfectly aware that this twunt is her kids' father. It's probably a big part of the reason she's so shocked. Even if he couldn't respect her, you'd think he'd protect his son from the shitstorm that's about to hit him...

Report
nocoolnamesleft · 08/10/2017 22:51

He's the one that needs to be staying in a hotel, not you.

Report
Pollaidh · 08/10/2017 22:54

Sorry you're going through this.

Stay in your house, make him find somewhere else. Whilst alone you can go through all the financial details and records you can find, copy everything, take photos etc. You might find more evidence of cheating, and if this ends in divorce you want to have a good accurate picture of the finances so he can't hide anything.

Report
PNGirl · 08/10/2017 22:55

So sorry OP. At first I thought it's the "babe" that sounds wrong - if you take that out then it could more easily have been a colleague but then I realised that tbh a colleague would have been at the trade show too. Sounds like they parted this morning and were going to meet up in the city after. What a bastard.

Report
mathanxiety · 08/10/2017 23:06

Stay put in the comfort of your own home.

Pack his stuff in bags and leave it outside the door. You can text him to say his stuff is waiting for him and that he is not welcome at home. In the same text you can tell him you will meet him at some other location - preferably outdoors - to talk. Tell him also that in the meantime you will not be responding to any communication from him and will not talk to him. Make him sweat a bit.

Get a STD test arranged for yourself asap.
Get a credit check on him to see if there is a CC you don't know about.

Don't engage with any nonsense /denial on his part. Cut short any denials. Tell him it is very regrettable that he has chosen to insult your intelligence, and request that he reclaim some of his own dignity by telling you the truth.

If he keeps on denying, request access to his phone, all phone records, all CC records including business CC records.

Report
shinysinkredemption · 08/10/2017 23:08

Mathanxiety has it spot on. Stay put OP and get a RL friend over if you can for support.

Report
SoleBizzz · 08/10/2017 23:17

Trxt him. Tell him you are oyth safe but need space. Turn off any means of him being able to locate you through your phone.

Report
pattybianca · 08/10/2017 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LagunaBubbles · 08/10/2017 23:20

Don't engage with any nonsense /denial on his part. Cut short any denials. Tell him it is very regrettable that he has chosen to insult your intelligence, and request that he reclaim some of his own dignity by telling you the truth

This.

Report
mathanxiety · 08/10/2017 23:26

Reported.

Report
ShellyBoobs · 08/10/2017 23:26

...change the locks if you own your home.

You really shouldn't do that if the home is in joint names.

Although, the legalities could well be different as your post gives me the impression you're possibly in the USA, OP(?) So perhaps seek legal advice.

It does all sound very suspicious and I can't think of any plausible explanation for what you heard, other than him cheating.

Flowers

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.