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I don't know why I'm posting really.

(61 Posts)
BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 20:43:49

I’ve been with DP for 18 months, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I don’t have any. I rent and he lives with his parents after a nasty split with his ex. He stays with me (pays his fair share, sometimes more) except on Friday nights and certain afternoons when he has his DD.

I’ve met his parents although I don’t see them often and have been introduced to his friends. We’ve discussed children/mortgages and we’re both on the same page regarding those. He treats me really well, he’s emotionally supportive and very financially generous, he makes the effort with my parents and we’ve been on holiday together twice now. He’s just paid our deposit for our next holiday in September.

However, there’s something niggling in the back of my mind. I’ve not met his DD yet, which is fine there’s no rush, that’s his choice and I rightly have no say in the matter but I’m thinking does he see me as something temporary? I want to get my life sorted and get on the property ladder, have my own DC (he said he wants this too) but how can I when I haven’t even built a relationship with the child he already has. I’d want to get to know her, involve her and ensure we get along OK before introducing another. The reason he hasn’t introduced me yet is because his ex says she’d cut contact if he does. I understand he’s frightened of that.

He gets offended when I say I’m going to begin working on my own career, house and life but I don’t feel included in his at all. I’m not sure if I’m being silly or overthinking? sad

Desmondo2016 Sun 08-Oct-17 20:45:52

After 18 months id be expecting him to tell his ex to shove it and id have expected to meet his child. He needs to formalise access tbh.

Gemini69 Sun 08-Oct-17 20:51:19

I don't like the sound of this Lady hmm

I'd be inclined to make your own plans for your own future.. you're nobody's second fiddle flowers

Crunchymum Sun 08-Oct-17 20:52:15

He sounds as though he is being very cautious (which I would advise when kids are involved) but also like he is being held over a barrel by his ex?

Is his access to his DD official? (ie been done through the court). Have you broached this with him? He cannot expect you to wait indefinitely because of his ex? He needs to tackle this with her.

I can't fault him for putting his DD first but he needs to get his access sorted out via official channels and stop allowing his ex to emotionally blackmail him - if he is serious about you that is??? Of course you don't want to be another woman in his life who dictates what he can and can't do, he really needs to take ownership of his situation.

ElizabethDarcey Sun 08-Oct-17 20:55:47

I'm glad he's waited a good long time before introducing you - so many people selfishly jump in far too quickly. I'd say that after 18 months it's long enough and if he wants you in his life and sees things progressing he needs to introduce you.

Were you an affair partner? If not, he needs to tell the ex to shove it. If so, I think things are a bit more blurry.

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 20:58:28

I’m so glad I posted. I’m not very good with words IRL. I didn’t know how to bring it up again with him.

He doesn’t see his DD via court arrangement it’s mutually agreed between the two of them. He has set days each week he has her. He pays £600 CM but I guess that doesn’t matter really.

I’ve had the conversation with him briefly before. All he says is he finds it offensive that I’d even think I’m temporary when he does so much for me (which he does, and that makes this even harder). I’ve never been treated so well but after bad relationships I tend to think the worse, however, the reactions on her make me think maybe I’m not over reacting.

I try and keep out of the situation with the ex, they argue a lot and it seems pretty volatile. He’s told me she’s called him before screaming that I will never meet their daughter and that he’ll never see her again if he does. I don’t want to push the issue, he then introduce me and then become resentful towards me if he cannot see his DD.

I love him with all my heart. He’s amazing. sad

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 20:59:03

No I wasn’t the OW. They’d been split up almost a year before I even came on the scene.

Biscuitsbathroom Sun 08-Oct-17 21:00:32

She can't keep his DD from him without good reason. Tell him to get to a lawyer, pronto.

peanut2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:01:07

How old is his daughter? You would hope by 18 months you would have met his daughter. Does he say when it will happen? Has the ex moved on?

Gemini69 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:01:19

he finds you broaching the subject OFFENSIVE hmm

Biscuitsbathroom Sun 08-Oct-17 21:03:30

What age is the daughter? He needs to get this sorted before the daughter is old enough to be manipulated by the mother, if she's not already.

JWrecks Sun 08-Oct-17 21:05:22

He sounds lovely, and the fact he is putting his dd first is a great thing, imo.

As they have not got a mandated contact arrangement, he could simply go to courts if she tried to cut contact, esp over something like this. He'd likely get even more time with her as well.

She cannot simply cut him out of his own daughter's life.

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 21:05:58

His DD is 5. As far as I’m aware, she hasn’t moved on. I briefly had a conversation with his mum about 6 months ago surrounding the issue and she said “I think he’s waiting for her to move on and introduce someone before he does to save the fall out. He’s very fond of you and seems the happiest he’s been before”.

I don’t want to be the meddling/pushy/needy girlfriend but at the same time I need a view as to where I really stand. If I ask, he’ll just say i’m not temporary at all and he does say things like “when we have our child” or “are you still saving for our mortgage?!”


RemainOptimistic Sun 08-Oct-17 21:06:00

Is this man really your only option?

If it's causing this much stress to you now, pop on over to the step parenting boards and see how much more stressful it's going to be when his DD is 13/14.

Seriously, end it and find someone who is at the same life stage as you are.

Gemini69 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:09:36

RemainOptimistic I agree

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 21:11:25

I’m prepared to put up with the stress that could come. I’d say we are in the same life stage... we both want a mortgage and he’d like another child in a few years. My point is, although it’s not immediate I’d like to get to know his DD, include in our life and get her comfortable around me before we buy a house/ttc.

Charley50 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:13:18

He needs to go to court for access. If he won't I would end the relationship as his ex will have this hold over him forever. It will probably destroy your relationship, and tbh he should do it for his dd's sake anyway.. She isn't a toy owned by his ex.

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 21:15:09

It would absolutely break my heart but charley you’re right. He’s perfect in every way. I’d never find another like him.

I can’t really demand to meet his child, it’s something I’d like him to feel he can do naturally.

I’m so sad.

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 21:17:44

The last time I approached the situation and said I feel like I’ll never be a part of your life completely. He responded by saying “if you think that why are you still here?”

But I do genuinely think that I’ll never be, I can’t imagine losing him - he’s supported me through so much and I’ve never had that before.

JaneEyre70 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:17:47

With an ex like that in the picture, I'd seriously be considering my options. She sounds like an absolute nightmare frankly, and she's always going to have a role in your life as long as he is in it. I think the future with him is going to be one you have very little control of..........

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 21:20:01

I’m rubbish with words. Please can you help me write something I can give to him? I don’t want to end the relationship as such, I’d just like to explain how I’m feeling.

Charley50 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:20:21

I'm speaking from experience. My easygoing dp has never formalized access. We've been together 10 years. Not the OW. I haven't been allowed to meet his DD until now. It's caused more and more stress upon us, and he barely sees her either. It's a different situation, but it could have been resolved years ago if he had formalized contact. Would have been a million times better for his DD.

SonicBoomBoom Sun 08-Oct-17 21:22:09

He needs to get the contact arrangements court ordered.

Casual arrangements don't work with someone who is holding a gun to your head and threatening to pull the trigger if you do anything that might offend or upset them in any way.

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 21:23:03

charley that’s exactly like my DP. So laid back and easy going, he doesn’t want to ruffle her feathers because he cannot be bothered with the drama. At the minute he sees his daughter at set days and spends the rest of the time at work or with me - it suits him perfectly.

BhunaChicken Sun 08-Oct-17 21:24:55

He tries so hard in other ways... he supports me emotionally and financially (I lost my job and he paid my rent for 4 months) he also funded a college course I’ve always wanted to do but not been able to afford.

It’s so sad, he does make an effort but I’d rather be a part of his life completely than have materiliastic things given to me.

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