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Confused

(11 Posts)
sockonmyhead Sun 08-Oct-17 16:10:58

Really would like some opinions/advice before I do anything I might regret. I’ve been married for 12 year to a genuinely amazing man but I don’t love him anymore and I don’t know what to do.

Sex has been a big problem in our relationship, he suffers from ED and general performance anxiety so when we do have sex it has to be in one position and only in our bed or he loses his erection. Honestly it’s not fun, we haven’t had sex in months because I can’t bring myself to do it. He basically gets no affection at all from me anymore, which I’m not proud of but I just don’t want to even hug him.

He has seen the dr in the past and was given viagra and offered councilling but he refused that. I think essentially is very repressed about sex, he was a virgin when we got together at 21. I know I need to talk to him about these problems and we should try relationship counselling but I can’t see anything changing and I don’t actually want him sexually anymore.

We have three kids, we aren’t ok financially but not much leeway. He earns a good wage but I only work a few hours as I’m a career to our youngest who is disabled. If we split, long term he would be ok financially but I would struggle.

So basically I am torn between staying in a relationship with no love and increasingly no respect but being financially secure or breaking up our family and then maybe still not being happy without him. I also feel it’s really unfair to not give him a chance to be with someone who really loves him.

I’m hoping this makes some sense. I need an outside perspective.

Shoxfordian Sun 08-Oct-17 16:22:18

It doesn't sound as though you're happy in the relationship or want to work at it which means it's probably best to end it

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Sun 08-Oct-17 17:14:10

I am in a similar quandary with regards financial stability vs the unknown. But I am in a completely joyless marriage. I am trying to pay off as much joint debts as possible and then I'll go. I can't stick the loneliness any longer and I think he deserves the chance to be loved by someone else.

sockonmyhead Sun 08-Oct-17 17:31:00

Does your husband know how you feel NK?

I don’t think mine has a clue. He wants to sign a ten year fixed mortgage deal and the idea of still being in this situation in a decade makes me feel sick.

CoyoteCafe Sun 08-Oct-17 17:39:22

He has seen the dr in the past and was given viagra and offered councilling but he refused that.

You could try being honest with him that his unwillingness to address the sexual issues is eroding the marriage, and that you are concerned it won't last if he doesn't start taking this seriously.

Then, once he does, you could go on a marriage retreat or go to marriage counseling or something.

When things were tough between my DH and I, the idea of having to come up for a long term financial agreement for our DD with autism as part of a divorce was so heartbreaking that I was willing to really work at the marriage. On mumsnet, there is the attitude that if a marriage requires work, one might as well walk away. I don't feel that way.

My DH and I are truly happy together now. It was worth it, and I'm glad that we both worked at the relationship. Things are very sweet between us now.

sockonmyhead Sun 08-Oct-17 17:47:59

I don’t know if I want him anymore sexually, is the big problem.

It started really as an avoidance of the feeling of rejection and the sense of being trapped in the same unsatisfactory encounter over and over. Now I’m not attracted to him.

I don’t think even if he had counselling he would change, his issues are so deep rooted. We have tried some of the usual things suggested to help with ED but it never lasts.

CoyoteCafe Sun 08-Oct-17 18:20:33

If you have zero hope for your marriage, my advice is to end it before one of you has an affair.

While it appears many marriages end because of affairs, my personally theory is that some marriages are dead in the water but people just keep living together and pretending until one of them meets someone new. In your case, I think its mostly likely to be you because you sound very unhappy, but he thinks everything is fine.

Loopytiles Sun 08-Oct-17 18:25:55

How much does he currently parent? (ie how much more will fall to you when you are a single parent).

Can you rely on him to pay maintenance and do a fair share of parenting, including of your disabled DC?

Planning would be good here. You could seek financial/benefits advice. Look into housing.

sockonmyhead Sun 08-Oct-17 18:55:38

In most respects everything is fine and our family works well, we just don’t really have a relationship. Sometimes I think I can live with that, sometimes I just want to run away.

He’s a fantastic dad and does a lot with them and to help round the house but I do the majority because I work less. I’m certain he would pay maintenance and would want to see them regularly.

I think I need an escape plan. I just need to find a way to make that financially feisable, if there is one.

CoyoteCafe Sun 08-Oct-17 19:01:02

How old is your disabled son? What are your work prospects? Realistically, at some point you will need to return to work. Is there a point when that would make more sense? Is there additional training you could do now to make that work better?

sockonmyhead Sun 08-Oct-17 19:08:23

He’s 8. I am working but only 15 hours during term time, even if I could bump that up to 30 hours it still wouldn’t be much. I can’t change job or work full time because I need to be there for my son, and I don’t see that changing for a long time, if ever.

I’m considering training to be a teacher, which could work when my son is older depending on where he goes to secondary school, but not really a possibility for another four years at least.

I worry that even if I leave I’ll still be unhappy, because I’ll have no money. Very shallow I know.

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