Date night disaster

[Rarity75]

Had a rare child free Saturday night and DP booked a meal out.

I've recently gone back to work after 6 months off with depression. I normally don't bother with make up but I made a real effort and I thought I looked good. DP didn't say anything but wanted a compliment about how he looked in a new top.

Since I've gone back to work (I work 3.5 hours a week less than him) I've been annoyed that he hasn't picked up any household tasks. He works nights and I get that he is tired. He says because his job is manual and mine isn't that he doesn't understand how I could be tired

I thought the meal would be a chance to have a discussion about roles, big mistake. He didn't want to talk about it. Said he thought it was us time not talking about household shit. He also spent time on his phone messaging friends while I was talking to him, which I said was disrespectful.

Got home had a big row. He said it was a waste of money and he wants half back when I get paid. I slept in my daughters bed last night.

I just feel undervalued and pissed off. I'm still adjusting to work and a new role (public sector). I can't keep on top of the housework, laundry, childcare, cooking, shopping, and dog walking on my own. Not to the standard he expects any ways and why the fuck should I do it all??

I need some way to make him understand it isn't just my responsibility. Any words of wisdom? And sorry this is an essay

[Quartz2208]

Stop doing his? Are the children both of yours

[Cricrichan]

Split up and then you'll just have to do your chores and you have some free time when he's looking after the kids.

[Rarity75]

One of each, none together.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

I think your depression would miraculously lift if you left him. No wonder you're depressed if you're living with a rude, nasty and disrespectful man.

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

Oh OP, you deserve better than this. Brilliant is right. I agree, HE is your depression. Life is too short to live like that. Get rid and be happy.

[Biscuitsbathroom]

So you do all the childcare and running about for HIS child too?

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

He sounds hard work, and I have no tolerance for anybody having such appalling manners as to sit on their phone in my company.

That said, I really wouldn't have thought a "date night" would be the setting to discuss division of chores at home. Surely a date night is about spending time together, having fun, rekindling some romance etc.

I know it may seem a little thing, but I can't get past him not complimenting you on how you looked. I don't understand people who don't want to build their partners up!

[fuzzywuzzy]

Bill him for childcare, laundry, housework & cooking you’ve done. Tell him you’ll deduct the half he thinks you ‘owe him’ for your meal out form the overall bill.

Stop doing any of his chores or childcare and start looking to get out of this relationship. He sounds so so so selfish and a complete taker.

Can not believe he has demanded half for your meal out together! And he ignored you during the night out anyway playing on his phone.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Agree with PP, your depression will lift when you leave him. Do it as an enormous present to yourself.

He sounds fucking awful. You can't get pearls from shit, as they say.

[Rarity75]

Admittedly it wasn't the best decision to talk about it on a 'date' night. But it's something that has been nagging at me. I thought a five minute conversation and then it would be sorted and we could move onto other things.

He said I should have known that he thought I looked nice

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Yet he didn't know that you thought he looked nice!

[Whisky2014]

So stop doing his stuff. Simple. It do get why he wouldn't want to talk about household chores when you are out for a meal together though! There's a time and a place and I don't think it should have been then. But also he is petty for asking for half the meal cost.

[IrritatedUser1960]

Dump the tosser.

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

If you want to stay together, please don't get drawn into doing things just for spite as pp have suggested (billing him ffs)

Tell him you want to talk. Write your points down beforehand so you don't get diverted away from what you wanted to say. Listen to his responses and then you can either accept it or not.

Has it always been like this?

[gunsandbanjos]

Sit down as a family (how old are the kids?) and divvy up the list of things that need done.

I'd go in with a bright and breezy tone of - right, now that I'm back at work full time we need to be splitting these up.

Write it out, everyone's name beside their allocated tasks and don't deviate.

If this doesn't work leave the selfish twat.

[HouseworkIsAPain]

One child each - let me guess, you're the one sorting out stuff for his child as well as your own?

[RebelRogue]

He can't have the luxury of standards if he doesn't do any of the work.

[eddielizzard]

i love this saying but can't remember who said it:

before diagnosing yourself with depression or low self esteem, first check that you're not surrounded by arseholes.

[Annelind]

Does he see you as a housekeeper/ nanny or a partner?

[BewareOfDragons]

I agree with the poster who said present him with a bill for childcare and cleaning.

He would have to find time to do these things if he was a single father; so he has to find time to do them in his home. Remind him he generates mess, laundry and dirty toilets and sinks just like everyone else in the house, and he WILL do his share of maintaining his own home. He will also do his share of looking after the children and chasing them to do their chores.

You are not the maid. You are an equal partner in the relationship, an adult who also works, and he doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you should do it all because he has unitlaterally decided he is more tired than you. Life doesn't work that way.

[Rarity75]

Thank you eddy that made me laugh!

Yes I think it was a tactical error on my part. I like the suggestion of bright and breezy. I don't want to get involved in a tit for tat situation. Children are 6 and 11. Mine is the six year old and she is a typical tornado and hopeless at tidying up after herself. But she helps me cleaning as she likes hoovering and mopping!

[Rarity75]

11 year old is here one night a week and three nights eow. The excuse is he isn't here enough to make a mess (he does). And so does DP. There are 4 cans in my lounge, underwear under his side of the bed, used cotton buds, empty crisp packets etc. He says he doesn't need to do any housework as he doesn't make any mess!! I have said does that mean you don't generate any laundry, eat off plates, shit in the toilet, use the bath etc.

I don't know I think he is a misogynist and honestly believes he is above the grunt work. I've even got a cleaner 3 hours a week (think I need more than that though).

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

I'm sorry but he sounds a horrible man.
You were off work because you were ill, all housework and childcare shouldn't have fallen all to you then. He should have been helping!

Now you're back at work he definitely should be. He's just a selfish twat.

[Rarity75]

Cross post with dragons! Yes I have pointed all this out to him. He promises to change and then plays the tired card.

He is still in bed and I've done the dishes, mopped floors and on my third load of washing. He will emerge at some point and sit on his arse no doubt.

The other thing that really pisses me off is that I am always the mummy who is busy. I struggle to make time to play with my daughter. Cleaning together should not be a fun activity, painting and baking should be!