Teary and not enjoying life - what can I do?

[ItsJustAnotherPointlessDay]

I can’t seem to be able to pull myself up and I’m worried I’m getting depressed. H left 12 months ago. Emotional affair, he chose potentially being with her over his marriage to me. 4 year marriage, 10 year relationship.

Shouldn’t I be better by now?

I hate living on own, I have no children and am scared I will never have. I still get teary at the thought of it all, I get teary about the future, I’m scared, I’m lonely. I spend a lot of my weekends alone. My friends are broadly understanding but all have busy lives of their own, their weddings, pregnancies and children etc. I feel so disconnected, no family of my own, I don’t know were to turn my life. I have no confidence to put myself out there and I just feel lonely and cry. It’s hard to make friends as everyone seems to so sorted with family etc. I tried a course but no one wanted to go for a drink afterward as they all needed to get home.

Meanwhile STBXH is enjoying his life, and I feel so useless.

I know this sounds pathetic compared to what others go through.

I don’t even know why I’m posting.

[userxx]

Pointless - post away, it's good to get it off your chest. Do you feel like you have moved on at all since the breakup or are you as hurt today as you were then?

[Fiona1984]

I've been in your situation, when I first became single I didn't have any real friends that weren't mutual friends with my ex, and I got very bored and lonely at times. Work was fine because I was busy, but when I got home I didn't know what to do with myself. And I didn't have much money either, so I couldn't go out and socialise.
I did try joining a local walking group just to pass the time and get outside. It was actually really enjoyable (but I like the outdoors anyway). Could you do somehting like that?

[Mumanddadtoone]

12 months isn't really that long, it can take a few years to properly recover from a breakup. I think you're being way too hard on yourself and you are not being pathetic.
Have you tried meetups? Have a look and see if anything catches your eye, most people are there to make friends.
Spice looks like a brilliant way of meeting people and having fun, looking at their website they do all sorts, I'm sure there will be something on there which you would enjoy.
Now is the time to focus on you, what sort of things do you enjoy? What makes you happy?
I firmly believe that going through a bad patch always leads to something good. When i think if the times I've been at my lowest it has always led to something good in the long run.

[Cricrichan]

Why didn't you have children if you were together so long? (Not a dig by the way, just trying to understand your relationship)

You need to try different things before you find a group that works for you. Try classes, cycling clubs, hiking groups etc and see where you find people who are single or don't yet have families so more likely to go out. The more people you socialise with, the more likely you'll find freer people or people with friends who are single.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

Cricrichan that's a horrible question!!

OP, constant crying at nothing in particular was the primary symptom of my depression. I was 24, felt like you, had had multiple miscarriages and a termination (which was the final straw) and it just broke me. Counselling, CBT and medication helped. Seek some help - GP or maybe an employee support service if you have one (that's where I started). Once you are stronger, it's easier to move on.

[HooraySunshine]

Firstly, don't compare yourself with your ex. He may appear 'happy' 'enjoying life', but you may not know the full story there and who knows, he may wake up in a week, month, year full of regrets. He may not, but that's his life. You need to focus on you.

I agree, it is hard to make friends. I've just moved house to a totally new area and I am trying to meet people. Not easy! But don't give up! I tried classes, they didn't work for me either. However, I did find that even though I wasn't necessarily making new friends in classes, that I still enjoyed being 'out' and around others so it was something to look forward to each week.

Maybe try joining a local group or club (book club, walking group, Meet Up, etc) Maybe your friends can introduce you to someone? I noticed a flyer the other day at a local church/community centre where they had a support group meeting once a week for people who had recently divorced. Maybe you could benefit from something like that? Counselling might a good option for you if you are feeling depressed.

There is no time scale of 'you should feel better by 12 months'. These things take time. Everyone is different. Try to look at the positives. You have your health? A job? A safe place to live? Family/Friends you could turn to if needed? I think before you focus on finding a new man, you need to feel happy within yourself. Be comfortable living on your own. Enjoy it actually! The happier, more confident, positive you are in yourself, the more likely you will meet someone new!

[Holland00]

Agree with other posters, what do you like doing?
Outdoorsy stuff? Arts/crafts?

There isn't a time limit on recovery after a break up, so don't best yourself up over that

[ItsJustAnotherPointlessDay]

I don’t know how much I haves moved on. I still about daily in one way or another (maybe not surprising as going through divorce). The rejection still sits deep and I blame myself for it still. If I had been better/slimmer etc. he would have stayed - I do a lot of thinking like this. And, deep down, I think I still love him as weird as it sounds. Some of the upset has shifted though from the past to the presence and I worry about the future. Will I be good enough for someone else?


I have tried Meetup but there isn’t much ( I live fairly rurally). There is a walking group aimed at older people and a ‘beer and banter’ group which seems to be geared at drinking/heavy nights out which isn’t my thing. I look into Spice, have never heard of it.

I was always very content with little and my biggest dream was to have family. I guess I struggle to refocus now.

[Mumanddadtoone]

Here's the link to the spice website www.spiceuk.com/about#.Wdn38IHTWaM
It looks amazing.
I think once you have other things in your life you won't care so much about your ex. (And typically once you have a full and exciting life, he'll want to come back).

[ItsJustAnotherPointlessDay]

Sorry didnt see posts while posting. I do sing in a choir which is nice and I do a yoga class. I also like crochet/knitting and I swim occasionally.

The question of why I haven’t had children earlier is horrible indeed, but I answer it anyway: first we couldn’t afford it (h got made redundant), then I was diagnosed with a condition which took a while to get under control (and which leads to higher risk of miscarriage if not properly medicated) then we started ttc and three months later he left. There’s your answer.

I live in my head a lot. I analyse and write emails to him, telling him my thoughts etc. I make up scenarios of alternative realities which then upset me. It sounds crazy but I can’t snap out of it 🙁

[Mumanddadtoone]

Don't blame yourself, HE chose to leave, HE chose to give up on his marriage, you didn't do this. It's not a good way to be thinking and it will only send you spiralling downwards. Go to the docs and tell them how you are feeling, maybe some CBT will help you get out of the negative thinking.
Your life needs filling up and kudos to you for trying new things, ok, they weren't right for you but at least your out there giving it a go. Stop being so hard on yourself it's only been a year. Keep posting here if you need someone to talk to, you'll get lots of support.

[underthebluemoon]

Your post are so very sad and I totally get it. Please don't feel like it was your fault or that you should have been slimmer or whatever. He should have been a more decent person. 'Trust that they suck' says Chumplady and you should check out her website. You will find people who understand and have been through this and come out the other side.

I don't know if you are depressed or just very unhappy. Worth seeing your doctor for a chat perhaps. Counselling can be very helpful. Mindfulness and gratitude diaries sound woo but are meant to be helpful.

To be around people try a book group, a new sport, volunteering, Women's Institute? Community choirs were mentioned on a similar thread this week. Parkrun has also been mentioned. Good luck.

[sashimiyummies]

I think you need a complete change of scene. Could you set yourself a challenge, like starting a more exciting job or start a hobby which will lead to achieving a goal like running a marathon or something like that. You're in a rut and you need to get out. Could you countenance parenthood alone? What about artificial insemination? If your dream is to have a family, don't give up on it because of circumstances.

[Littlemissdemeanour]

OP I totally get how you're feeling. I don't have any great words of wisdom, other than you're not alone.

I too want to try more, get out more, but I get so consumed by it all I end up hibernating.

I end up lying to colleagues about weekend plans / what I got up to as I can't face the embarrassment of them knowing how I don't see a soul fri - tues. Life is hard sometimes.

[underthebluemoon]

Sorry x post. You are already in a choir.

Are you sending those emails you write? If you are you need to stop. Non contact is the way forward.

Do you make plans with friends? Try to keep things in your diary.

My advice feels trite I know. It's hard. It sucks. But keep going.

[category12]

You sound so low - go to your GP and get some support with probable depression. You're doing lots of the right things, just need a little help out of this slump.

[userxx]

Unnecessary question about children. Wtf has it got to do with anybody else. Your self esteem has taken a battering, we've all been there and it's bloody hard to get yourself back up there. The whole if only can send you absolutely mad and makes you feel so much worse. Getting into a negative thinking cycle is easily done but hard to break.

[ItsJustAnotherPointlessDay]

Thank you everyone for your kindness and advice, and I am sorry that some of you are in a similar situation.

To answer some questions/comments:
I absolutely love my job and it’s what keeps me going. It’s a good career, exiting and demanding but I wouldn’t change that. It also gives me financial security. I am very lucky in this sense and I feel bad for not always appreciating it.

I am 35 so hopefully have some time left with regards to children.

I don’t sent those emails - hell no I write them on a piece of paper and throw it away if I feel the need to have an output for the thoughts.

I understand about the lying - I have done it too and it makes me feel so
miserable.

Thing is, i did loads of things when h first left. Every evening almost and it tired me out. I stopped some of the things as I was exhausted and thought I was better but maybe I’ll have to be more proactive again.

I am worried of going to the gp as I am wary of having this show on my record because of the line of work I’m in. I will look into private counselling/cbt though. What’s the difference though?

[userxx]

Cbt helps change negative thinking patterns, your doctor will probably be able to refer you for this or send you in the right direction if you want to go privately.

[Cricrichan]

Sorry it was badly worded. I just know of quite a few couples where they spend years together and he doesn't want children or keeps putting the woman off and then ups and leaves (and often goes on to have children with someone else).

If you've always wanted a family then I think that a big part of your feelings now is not so much about him but the being together and creating a family? Also, you were very young when you got together so a large part of your adult life has been as part of a couple with him.

35 isn't too old at all. I've had 3 of my children after 35.

It's great that you have a job that you love. Are there any networking events or industry events that you could start attending and meeting people that have the same interests as you?

Also, the club you mentioned may be attended by older people, but they have friends and relatives who are younger and once you start getting invited to their get togethers etc you may meet people you like.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

It does sound like your biggest hurdle will be your negative thinking, so if that's what CBT does, give it a go. (And if you're worried about it showing on your record, I think you could even spin it as a good thing: you used CBT during a difficult time personally and you have first hand experience of the benefits...?)

[Yoksha]

pointless, one thing I've realised on my journey is this:

Just like we're advised not to compare ourselves to others with regards to looks, profession/job, social status etc. Because it robs us of personal joy. The same logic should be applied to us dealing with our personal problems/situations. Trying to get your head around your own difficulty will not be helped by telling yourself other's are dealing with far worse. Yes, that might be the case, but why make yourself feel even more inadequate? It's good that you're aware other's face challenging problems. But in some instances you need to be selfish. I'm not meaning "me,me,me", or throwing others under the bus. But you need to cherish yourself. Not with big gestures, but with small "feel good" treats. Like a face mask or d-i-y pedicure etc. Or, sorting your underwear drawer out. I found drawers & wardrobe sorting extremely cathartic. But that's just me. You'll know what works for you.

Hope you get there

[stayanotherday]

You sound great, his loss. Could you do something long term like go for promotion? Give yourself something to look forward to every day.

[ItsJustAnotherPointlessDay]

Thank you everyone! I spent some time this afternoon looking into cbt and it looks as if it might help with my negative thinking. I think this is where I will start - I just want to enjoy my life a little more again and notice all the good things; I just keep zooming in on the bad stuff.

And yes, not having a family definitely is what i worry about a lot but i need to get myself into a better place mentally before I can start thinking about this.

[pompomcat]

OP, you say if you had been better in some way your H wouldn't have left-please remember that his decision is everything to do with him, and not to do with you- it is not because OW - or indeed anyone else - is any better than you. Beautiful, wonderful, funny, talented etc women and men also face relationship breakdown.

I spent years agonising over my ex and thinking he was having a wonderful time even after all he'd done to me. It took a long time to realise it didn't matter what he thought/what he did/how much fun he had-he wasn't around any more and what mattered was my thoughts, what I got up to and how much fun I had!!!

12 months isn't long in the grand scheme of things - hang in there, OP.
 for you.