Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do I stop being jealous?

(19 Posts)
imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 00:13:49

So I am being very jealous about my bf and a particular event he is attending with his ex that involves a few nights away. I really do not think he is interested in her. I do not trust her. There have been a couple of half truths and lies which have now catapulted me into a huge jealous disgusting mess. My ex cheated and lied, also abusive. So I really do own that I have an issue but to be honest that’s not helping. What can I do...?

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 00:19:05

I came off my antidepressants by myself and I am truly wondering if I need to take them again?

Arealhumanbeing Sun 08-Oct-17 01:32:04

Hi OP.

If you ditched your ad’s cold turkey with no guidance then I would book an appointment with the GP and talk through your options. I did the same thing thinking it was no big deal and it affected my perspective terribly. It was a big mistake.

With the jealousy problem, it can be hard. Do you like yourself, are you aware of the things you have to offer? Increasing your self awareness and a bit of soul searching may help. Seeing a counsellor would very likely point you in the right direction. Maybe a relationship counsellor?

On the other hand if you are recently out of an abusive relationship you are very likely to be underestimating the affect it has had on you. I think in terms of what you can do, getting help with processing that experience would be the best place to start.

What were the half truths and lies? I don’t mean to pry but it would be useful to know who told them and roughly what was said.

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 05:37:34

I came off them first a year ago, I had forgotten them when I was away so thought that was a great time to stop. I didn’t have any issues just stopping. Had been on them about 2 years and it was to help me when I left exh. So not planned at all.

Bf has said a couple of times that he felt I should think carefully about whether it was a good idea to come off of them. That he didn’t think it was a good idea. He felt I shouldn’t have just stopped. And has twice told me outright I’ve made a mistake and should restart them.

I did start to take them again however that fell they the wayside very quickly.

How do I stop the jealousy raging; it’s taking over me and I am acting and sayings things I don’t like. I used to be so easy going. Have never been jealous in my life. No matter what ex was like. I just don’t want to ruin this relationship and I can feel it happening. I can’t stop it though.

coolaschmoola Sun 08-Oct-17 05:41:09

If you trust him you don't need to trust her...

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 05:46:40

I agree I really do.

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 08:14:26

Unfortunately knowing that does not stop this irrational feeling I have

Isetan Sun 08-Oct-17 08:55:04

Firstly, you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and your mh. You know that it wasn't wise to go cold turkey and phrases like 'fell by the wayside' are a cop out.

Do you really not want to be jealous or are you hoping by not taking your medication and being unbalanced, that your bf will pander to it by not going? Go back to your GP and tell them how you feel and what you've done (cold turkey) and follow their advice.

Admitting there is a problem is only the first step but it doesn't count for much, if you aren't prepared to follow through.

Good luck.

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 09:42:11

Just to clear something - I have asked him not to go. I fully support the reason s for going. I don’t like the way I was told, I don’t like the amount of contact that is happening prior to going. I don’t like any of it but would never tell him not to go.

I really do own that this is my issue. I do believe that by lying\trying to hide things this has escalated it though.

I’m still having a bit of trouble from the ex. Work is shit - possible redundancy not a good feeling as a single parent. Now this.

Do I want to go back on? No of course not. Will I, yes if I have too. If it will actually help then of course....but what if I can do this with drugs?

I might find the depression quiz thing the go uses and use that to help me decide.

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 09:42:40

Not asked him not to go!,,,,,,,,

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 14:19:31

Well that came out worse than I thought it would, much worse.

I’m ashamed to say that I found myself hanging round somewhere I thought they might go today on the off chance of seeing them together and knowing once and for all.

I need help.

I have a small amount of medication left over, shall I just start taking it?was on 4o mg of fluoxetine shall I go straight back to that or start on 20mg?

userxx Sun 08-Oct-17 14:37:25

I'd go back to the doctors, I don't think any of us can give advice regarding medication. You need to stop this before it turns into a full blown obsession.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 08-Oct-17 14:40:23

Ok, hang on.

You say it's her you don't trust and you trust him. Then you go on to say that HE is lying to you and trying to hide things.

So actually your feelings around this, and him going, are reasonable. I don't extend the privilege of trust to someone who lies to me. Forget all his supportive noises, if he lies to you he can expect you not to trust him. Full stop.

So in my eyes you're being perfectly reasonable to say no thanks to being ok with this. If he doesn't agree, then dump- not because of this event but because he thinks you're being unreasonable not to let him lie and there be no comeback. There is comeback. Don't lie, is the answer.

Charley50 Sun 08-Oct-17 15:14:54

I agree that half-truths and lies feed jealousy and insecurity (been there).
What did he lie about?

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 15:43:35

About her going. And having seen/spoken to her about it.

I agree that the lies are the trigger BUT my jealously is way too much. I am crying and struggling to get past this. Each conversation is becoming affected and I feel that I am being consumed by it.

I’m not happy with how I am acting. I’m not happy with the all consuming thoughts. It’s stopping me doing what I need to do. Regardless if the relationship and what may or may not be the outcome I need help.

rizlett Sun 08-Oct-17 15:48:26

have a quick look at matthew hussy on youtube - might give you a quick fix until you have more time to get a grasp of your jealousy issue.

or try the EFT youtubes - they can help too.

time to stop over focussing on your thoughts - he either will be unfaithful or he won't and there isn't anything you can actually do about that but if he is unfaithful he's not worth having anyway and if you are over focussed on jealousy you are more likely to drive him away.

well done though on recognising this is an issue that you want to resolve - thats a great big first step.

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 17:10:42

Thanks I will take a look.

The worse thing is I really don’t think he will chest on me. He has plenty of opportunity all the time if he really wanted too. It the taking her to this thing and the conversation/meetings that go with it. It’s the lying when I was totally convinced he wouldn’t. I have not doubt linked to previous relationship- it’s like he’s ruined it all I guess

FizzyGreenWater Sun 08-Oct-17 17:17:05

Maybe he has ruined it!

This is all about how YOU are to blame, driving him away etc and while I see that your jealousy is a problem - this is his doing too.

How differently might you feel if he'd told you honestly about seeing her/her going, or better still discussed it with you in advance and asked if you minded? Maybe you'd still be jealous but you'd be able to act very differently and would be roughly ok with him going.

The lies are NOT just the trigger. They are part of the reason. You may be jealous and yes this is a big problem, but the fact remains that any normal person would be really unhappy about the way he's handled this and would probably be saying something along the lines of - if you lie to me, I'm going to stop trusting you, and then it doesn't matter if you've never cheated, I'm not going to be able to trust that you haven't BECAUSE YOU LIE and therefore I'm going to end up not wanting you hanging out with exes etc.

It's also just disrespectful. How can you feel that you're in a supportive and loving relationship with someone who looks at you and lies?

Tackle the jealousy, yes. But one of the best moves you might make to do this is to ditch this slippery character and find someone who is actually honest. One of the best steps towards feeling secure instead of jealous and undermined!

imajealouscow Sun 08-Oct-17 17:52:02

And I probably do agree. At the moment though everything is defined by my highly emotional reaction. Can’t promise that anything is going to change that. I just know I don’t like how it makes me feel. Regardless of what my ex did I never felt like this. It could well be cause it’s like it’s all falling apart when it was so perfect wa
Here as ex was always a dick so knew what I was getting iyswim

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: