Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you manage to leave with no money?

(22 Posts)
PlumFairy2014 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:19:57

Very sad that it is coming to this, I know I have posted before about my failing marriage. We keep trying again and it just goes the same way. It's so hard to let go of how happy and in love we were but it just feels so broken now.
What I really want to know is how to leave?
I only work part time so we're not crippled by nursery fees. H works full time. I don't have the money to leave, he won't leave (joint mortgage).
I just don't know what to do. I could manage if he left, but I can't make him go can I. We have had so many discussions, he knows I would leave if I could. He still wants to stay in the same house, but makes no effort to fix it. He could afford to leave with his salary.
What can I do? I just want to move on with my life.
Just for detail we have a joint mortgage, I have no parents (siblings 6 hours away, but they wouldn't have space for me and DD), not much in savings, only a part time job and DD is a toddler.
I just have no idea what to do.

PlumFairy2014 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:20:56

DH isn't abusive, but he is starting to put me down and I'll be honest my self esteem is at rock bottom. I'm a shell of my former self and starting to become quite depressed and anxious.

kateshair Sat 07-Oct-17 22:32:42

Sorry your in this position.
It could be that you may be able to stay in the house. Speak to a solicitor get a free half hour. There is something called a mesher order ?
If that doesn't lead anywhere then is there much equity in house ? At least half of that is yours probably more if you are main carer ?.
You could force a sale if you have too.
The only other way to leave is too consider private rental for the short term until the house is sold ?
Lots of factors to think about.
Start to claim tax credits as a single person. With that and your job you may be able to get a private rent.
Also he will have to pay you maintenance. Try and save as much as you can. Hope this helps even a little. Not a nice time I've been there !

mishann Sat 07-Oct-17 22:34:05

You can't just move on, because you have a child together.

kateshair Sat 07-Oct-17 22:34:56

Normal to be anxious also as you got a lot to deal with however you could make an appointment with gp. Lots of help they could give you. Counselling and or anti depressants

kateshair Sat 07-Oct-17 22:36:08

Mishan what on earth are you talking about.. have you read the post

jeaux90 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:36:45

You don't need his permission to divorce him. You may have the horrid situation of living separately in the same house whilst you divorce but at least there will be light at the end of it.

If you do start proceedings perhaps he will get the message and move out.

Go see a solicitor for your 30 mins free consultation

jeaux90 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:40:35

Mishann she can and she should, plenty of us do. Plenty of us who have been in crap situations like the OP know that co-parenting amicably is better than bringing a kid up in a shitty relationship.

Many of us have had to leave abusive ones.

She should stay in a shit marriage because of her kid. Get a grip.

PlumFairy2014 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:41:27

mishan I'm talking about divorcing, not denying his existence? Or taking his DD away from him.
I hadn't even considered divorcing him while we still live together, maybe that would be the best way forward. Is it a family solicitor I need? (Sorry if that is a stupid question)
I looked into private rental, but it's the initial chunk of money for deposits and the like. I would actually have more disposable income if he left and I worked part time and claimed tax credits. Not the way I wanted to live, but we could get by until I could work full time.

PlumFairy2014 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:44:28

We're meant to be away this coming week with his family and I just cannot stand the thought of it. His parents are horribly critical (I'm a bit overweight, size 12 and they hate 'pie ladies' as they call us...)
They never see DD as they live abroad though, but I have never spent a night away from her. sad

PlumFairy2014 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:45:54

Well they don't call me pie lady to my face, but say it about similarly sized people they see. And worse.
I just think I will crumble this time.

jeaux90 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:50:54

Don't go. Tell him to go on his own. Start creating some separation and you definitely don't have to put up with that shit from them. 12 is perfectly healthy.

Yes you can start proceedings. A family solicitor is what you need. Once you do he'll get the message, whilst you don't you are not creating any compelling reason for him to accept it's over. Make sure you are proposing to co-parent amicably. (If he's not abusive)

There is a couple of lovely solicitors who post a lot on the separation threads for people's asking for advice too. You can ask for some help on there.

RandomMess Sat 07-Oct-17 22:53:25

Why don't you have access to family money/savings?

Viviennemary Sat 07-Oct-17 23:00:36

This is horribly abusive. What vile people they sound. Refuse to meet them this time. And see a solicitor re advice on starting divorce proceedings. If things are so bad they can't be fixed you need to take action. Hope things work out.

RandomMess Sat 07-Oct-17 23:13:12

I'm asking about money because if you aren't allowed equal access to family money then that is pure simple financial abuse and Woman's Aid would help you with a refuge place.

Ring them anyway they will do everything they can to support you flowers

PlumFairy2014 Sun 08-Oct-17 07:52:43

I have told him I don't want to go and why. He wants to take DD though, I have never spent a night away from her and said I couldn't do it. I also hate the idea of his parents being left looking after her. MIL has called DD chubby since she was about 6 months (she is pefext weight/height ratio).
Everything went into the house Random so there's very little in the saver. We have a current account I have access to. At current we take a set amount of cash out each week and only spend that, which is fair except I have DD a lot more which means my money goes on her and then DH spends his on hair cuts and clothing.

PlumFairy2014 Sun 08-Oct-17 07:54:04

I will take the opportunity while he is away to see a solicitor.
We already live separated but in the same house. I'm going to stop cooking for him and things, I feel like I'm being shitty but it feels like being kept on as the house keeper.

debbs77 Sun 08-Oct-17 07:57:43

The first thing I would do is set up a sole account to start saving money into.

Your share of the money shouldn't go on your daughter. It should come from the joint pot

museumum Sun 08-Oct-17 08:09:37

If you divorce the assets will be split. But your dh will get some days and overnights with your dd (providing he’s not a danger to her) so perhaps the best thing is to start getting used to that now.
Let him take her to his mums and you can find a solicitor, copy all paperwork, set up your own bank account etc.
You can get out. You are not trapped.

PlumFairy2014 Sun 08-Oct-17 10:10:11

I know museumum, but I am worried about her being there with them for the week. She's only 3 and has never spent a night with DH, she won't even settle for him sometimes. sad
The best last night was that I haven't had a proper job, I have always worked full time until DD. Apparently he has always had to support me and I owe him money for him allowing me to be off to look after DD when she was small.

PlumFairy2014 Sun 08-Oct-17 10:10:51

I suggested he pays me the going rate for childcare for the past 3 years for every hour he's at work.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sun 08-Oct-17 11:02:43

I'd not stop the cooking etc, it's childish and he will retaliate by saying he will withdraw his salary as part of the deal of going part time or staying home is one earns whilst the other does the house.

If it's got to the stage of such childish behaviour then it's best to make a clean split.

I'd allow the holiday as it's unfair he doesn't get to take his daughter away as he is an equal parent and a court would grant him plenty of access time including holidays.

If you try and up your hours you may be able to afford to stay in the house if that's what you want. There are plenty of things in place to help with childcare costs.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now