Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I cheated on my husband after multiple miscarriages(27 Posts)
My husband and I have been together for 5 years but married for one year. Two years ago we started trying for a baby and fell pregnant, however I miscarried at 12 weeks. It was devastating and I was very naive and had not prepared for a miscarriage. The shock was unbelievable. My husband however, although he said he was upset he never truly showed emotion and even got angry with me after a couple of weeks when I was still emotional.
We tried again a few months later and were very fortunate to have fallen pregnant and had our daughter. We got married and decided to move house. Since we put our house up for sale a year ago, we were broken into, we moved back in with my dad for 6 months as he had to have a triple heart bypass, our cat was run over and killed and three of our grandparents have passed away. Every month there has been something awful to deal with.
Despite the stress of this all, we decided to try again for another baby and fell pregnant before Christmas. We were obviously very wary and tried not to think too much about the baby but you just can't help yourself. At 12 weeks we again found out we had had a missed miscarriage. It was extremely physically and emotionally painful but I at least knew what to expect so it wasn't as daunting waiting to niscarry. But never the less, the pain was immense and I bled heavily, a lot compared to the first time. We had a lot going on at the time so we were distracted.
We fell pregnant again 3 months later and this time I had severe morning sickness, I put on over a stone, my boobs doubled in size and we had an early scan at 6 weeks which showed the baby was all fine. But at 11 weeks I started getting pains and light spotting. I went for a scan the next day and found out that the baby's heart had stopped, likely a week before. I went home and the shock took over. My husband went to work next day and I started to miscarry. The pain started so fast and was so intense that I called my husband back from work. I couldn't even stand and was stuck to the sofa. I went to hospital and was kept in for 3 days and kept on oral morphine. After a week of being at home, the egg sac came out whilst I was on the toilet. In a moment of panic I flushed the toilet and then immediately regretted it. The guilt of flushing my own baby down the toilet killed me. I took two weeks off of work and then life carried on as normal. But I wasn't well, mentally I really struggled and could feel myself slipping into a depression. I said to my husband several times that I couldn't cope and I felt like I was separate from everyone. I felt like everyone was a stranger and it felt like I didn't know how to be in the same reality as everyone. Like I was floating or out of the bubble. I went to my doctor and was put onto anti-depressants and put on a waiting line for counselling. But I was in a pit and felt like I couldn't escape.
My husband has never been able to talk about things. He has had a troubled childhood but has never told me any details nor asked about my life. We are like friends but not best friends who know everything about our past and our inner most thoughts. It's just not like that, which has been extremely difficult when we've had to go through all we have in the past year. I have felt entirely alone.
We went to a wedding a month ago and there was an old friend of mine from years before. My husband got drunk and passed out but I stayed up. I got chatting to this guy and we talked about everything, our whole lives, our childhoods, our deep secrets. His girlfriend had aborted two of their babies and so we had this common understanding of the pain felt when you lose a pregnancy. We didn't kiss or anything else, we just kept in touch and had been messaging secretly since.
Last weekend we arranged to meet in a city nearby. We stayed in a hotel together and slept together. My husband found out immediately and has since left me and although I've been trying to apologise and feel truly awful for what I've done, I know he will never get over this. He will shut off again and will hate me forever. It's understandable though. But I don't know if I even want to make this work. I love him, but we've never had that close connection. Is this normal? Am I expecting too much of him? A lot of men struggle to show their thoughts and emotions, so should I just expect this with every relationship? I wish I could turn back time and not betray him the way I did, I was selfish, I just enjoyed that someone could be there for me and I could be there for them and that they cared enough to ask about my problems.
Oh love. No judgement here. You were starving for love and some human contact was on offer.
It doesn't sound like your relationship with your H is going to work out and perhaps that's best for you. He couldn't give you the love or support you need.
All sounds so tough
It wasn't the right way to behave, but I don't think your husband is the right man for you.
I'm really sorry for everything you've been through.
I'm sorry about your miscarriages, OP. That must have been really tough.
But you chose to have sex with another man. And it was planned, calculated, and drawn out over a period of time, not just that you lost your head one night.
Sounds like your marriage is over. Maybe it was never going to work, but you have sounded the death knell when you had an affair. There's no way back now, as the strong base was obviously never there to recover.
I think you m ed to concentrate on your daughter and yourself, and try not to hurt the man you married any more than you have.
I'm so sorry for your losses and for everything else that's been thrown at you.
There are lots of different things in your post but I agree you were desperate for a connection and it's not ideal what's happened you weren't scheming, you were crying out for love and understanding.
It doesn't sound like your marriage is making you happy, giving you support or will offer you the life you deserve. He's angry now but you've been going through hell for ages.
Call the miscarriage association and speak to someone who will help you talk it all out with no agenda.
I'd call it a day with the old friend if you haven't already, it's good you could talk but you need to focus on yourself and your child and you don't have the capacity right now to take on his pain as well.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Sometimes when people want out of a situation they sabotage things so that a way out is found for them. I don't think this was accidental. You've been through a lot and you've made mistakes but fundamentally the problem here is not how you've behaved now but the lack of love that led you to this.
I would concentrate on yourself and your life with your daughter, your marriage is done I think.
Clearly you don't want to be with your husband and however way you dress it up you still cheated. There is no excuse for it. Just try to stay away from your ex husband now. Don't screw him up more than he already is.
noodles why would you even say that???
Sorry about the miscarriages op. I hope you can begin to heal properly now. Wishing you and your daughter the best x
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Your cheating was premeditated, not an accident. You are using your husband's lack of emotion (he probably deals with it differently, not being the one who was pregnant ) as justification or feeling entitled to have sex with someone else, however you dress it up as an emotional need. I think he did the best thing in leaving you.
And you said you felt alone because your husband is not good at talking or showing his emotions. Which means your husband probably felt alone too. But he never cheated on you.
Okay yes, I was harsh. Sorry. Genuinely. 😥(Bad week at work is my 'reason')
But OP. You and your hubby have both been through the shitter. You need to decide if you want to salvage things with him and really try - if you want to. I get why cheating happens but do you want to save things?
Poor you. I don't condone cheating at all but your head must be seriously messed up after what you've been through. Don't put yourself down, you made a huge mistake and are now paying for it. He's within his rights to end the marriage but it doesn't mean you have to keep suffering or punishing yourself.
Bless your heart, get some help for yourself to deal with all your losses and start to build yourself back up.
I think your husband has done you both a favour by leaving tbh.
I don't agree with making excuses for affairs. If you're unhappy, leave. Dress it up however you like, it was still an affair which you're effectively blaming your husband for.
The best thing you can do is build a life for yourself and your daughter and coparent amicably with your ex husband.
One of the other things that struck me was the troubled childhood part regarding your exh. Sometimes with things like that you don't want to tell people you're close to. It can make them see you in a different light or subconsciously paint you as a victim when you don't want to be viewed like that.
Again, no judgement here, you have really been through the grinder..... But even though your husband couldn't show it, it didn't mean that inside of himself, he wasn't suffering the same emotional torture that you were going through, I'm sure he did......
But while you found comfort from ' an old friend ', he had no comfort, emotional or sexual and finding out you cheated must have ' killed him ' after he had stuck with you through thick Nd thin....
Sadly, you have to let each go, the emotional chasm, the hurt, is far too wide to ever be bridged....
Look to build a future for you and your daughter and let you ex - husband try to build his.....
Perhaps the best thing is to try and coparent as best as you can.
Maybe when he's calmed down a bit you can talk to him, but I'd advise against placing any blame on him.
If he does want to work things out, couple's counselling might help you both.
Did you ever have counselling after the miscarriages?
Let him go. You are not right for eachother. He can't give you what you want/need. The feelings are gone as well. What's the point?
I'm the biggest advocate of counselling, but it won't work in this situation, I think......
She / they should have sort counselling before Op fucked the other guy......
Op's ex - husband's brain must be completely and permanently scrambled....
She doesn't need to cook them any further......
Shit happens. Not the best plan to sleep with someone but I think you know deep down that your husband isn't right for you. Not his fault that maybe he deals with things by bottling them up but you need a partner you can rely on to be emotionally there for you. Probably for the best. I'd concentrate on your own mental health and the well-being of your DC. If you split with your husband maybe you can make it work as an amicable split.
I'm sorry for your losses but it doesn't excuse your behaviour. And a man who uses the pain of pregnancy loss to get a shag is no friend.
I get it's hard having a miscarriage, but it sounds like you've thought of many reasons and every bad thing your husband has done to make it look ok in your mind.
It wasn't ok and deep down you know that.
Take time out for yourself now and focus on you and your DC.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.