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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Shouldn't have got married

155 replies

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:05

6 months in and we have hit our first hurdle.

My husband's friend - our best man - saved a photo of my wedding to his phone and sent it on a group chat which involved my husband. It was a photo of my brother. I saw it and wanted to know why my brothers photo was on his phone. He made excuses but in the end showed it to me. The group of them were calling my brother offensive names and having a right old laugh at his expense.

My brother has never done anything to any of these people. He lives 8 hours away from us. He is kind and we are close. Me and my husband love him alot and the abuse is completely uncalled for.

My husband told them to stop. His text to them read 'lads, not funny that's my brother in law and I'm going to cop it big time now'

I said his message wasn't good enough. I'm hurt and feeling rather distressed that my wedding photos have been used to mock my innocent family member.

My husband decided in amongst all this to go out with them all tonight to celebrate our best mans birthday. I asked him to give this night out a miss because I am so upset with them all (I was supposed to be going too) I asked him to stay with me this once but he went knowing how distraught I am. He also told me he wouldn't bring it up with them again and that I couldn't say anything to them.

I feel really let down. I'm so sad. He has shown them more importance than me all for a few beers.

I've had 2 glasses of wine so I may not have explained this well...

OP posts:

Report

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 19:09

Your husband sounds weak and lacking in any backbone. He does not want to loose face in front of his mates. He chose his mates over you. He does not sound like he respects yiu. I would be having a very strong talk with him.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2017 19:10

You shouldn't have got married because of this ?

That seems somewhat of an over reaction

Your H' s friends sound like dicks. What exactly were they saying about your brother ?

Your H told them to stop. Admittedly, not in the strongest terms but did you expect him to immediately cut them off forever ?

If you have a problem with them, give them both barrels yourself and don't rely on your H doing your dirty work for you

FizzyGreenWater · 07/10/2017 19:12

No, you've explained it very well.

I particularly dislike the 'I'll cop it now' as his reasoning. In other words, lads, I'm on your side, I think it's fine but 'er indoors won't. Coward.

You're 6 months in. Do you have somewhere you could go? Because at this point I would start as I mean to go on. When he gets back, I wouldn't be there. There'd be a note telling him that this isn't the way our marriage was going to be, that he could contact me when he was ready to apologise not only for being such a nasty cowardly sniggering shit, but by being a crap disloyal husband too. Oh and yep, he would be bringing it up with them again. And yes, I can indeed say anything I like to them when it concerned my family. His family. Possibly, if he wises up.

Don't take this. Don't set this as the norm. Don't be there when he gets back.

LoverOfCake · 07/10/2017 19:15

What did they say? Sounds like an overreaction on your part. This is a grown man we're talking about not a child.

GinIsIn · 07/10/2017 19:15

why on earth where they mocking your brother? Do they know him? That's so odd.

I think you need to explain to your DH why you feel the way you do, and give him a chance to do things differently or to make it right.

CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 19:16

Well, no wonder you feel let down, your wedding was your day with family and friends to marry the man you love.

Now it seems pictures of that day are being passed round and mocked, this is mean, and particularly bad as it involves your brother.

Your DH seems more concerned that he is going to ‘cop it’ than the fact that the behaviour is inappropriate.

I guess you are disappointed in his friends and disappointed in his reaction, and the fact that this has happened in relation to your wedding day, when you brought your brother and his friends into the same venue, explains your feelings.

As to whether you should not have got married, that is for you to say, but yes, he has put his friends over you and he has a questionable taste in friends. I hope you can work it out and he understands your disappointment.

GinIsIn · 07/10/2017 19:17

Just to add - my brother has Aspergers so people do sometimes say hurtful things and to a certain extent you have to rise above it. You seem very over-emotional - is there more to this?

cresit · 07/10/2017 19:17

In your shoes I'd be having a go at them myself, and expecting an apology.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 19:17

“Shouldn’t have got married” seems an overreaction; but we have little perspective without knowing what they were saying.

Was it laughing at something he was doing, but you don’t feel they should “share the joke”?

Was it offensive name calling in general about a normal photo of him?

Without an idea of what was being said, we can’t assess whether you’ve overreacted and your DH was fine to go out, or if he’s been an utter twat.

I’d agree with the PP that said that if he actually agrees with you; he used a weak response blaming you.

Hermonie2016 · 07/10/2017 19:17

Your husband isn't responsible for his friends and whilst his approach wasn't very strong he may have judged it was the best way to make it stop.
Sadly they do seem like immature
twats but I would not overreact to this as I suspect they enjoy baiting you.

Bluebelle38 · 07/10/2017 19:21

What a horrible bunch of friends. Happy to have a day/night out at your expense and then cruelly mock your brother after.

Your husband, as already said, sounds gutless. I really feel for you, op. And I understand your hurt.

Pooka · 07/10/2017 19:25

I would be absolutely LIVID if dh was party to mocking my brother or knew about it and didn't step in and say in no uncertain terms how bloody unacceptable that is. I am very protective of my brothers/my family and would expect dh to feel the same way about his. And while we each moan about our own family's quirks and the other may agree, the friends doing it is just not on.

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:26

They were talking about what my brother must like sexually. Being vulgar and abusive for no reason. My brother did nothing to deserve anything like this. He is shy, quiet, he keeps himself to himself. There is literally no reason he would have stood out or a reason why this is appropriate on any level.

I am a bit emotional. I love my husband and I'm disappointed. I feel so let down. It's not like he can never go out. But right now when it's still raw and I'm still feeling very conflicted i thought he'd stay.

Maybe the title is overdramatic. I just mean I shouldn't have got married if his friends will always come before me.

OP posts:

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:27

Plus they used MY wedding photos. From my FB page to do it?! After they had the privilege of being best man?!

OP posts:

CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 19:34

You are really not being over dramatic. That is unbelievably mean. I am really sorry
Your brother sounds lovely, and I cannot think any context these type of comments would be okay. It is completely bizarre.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/10/2017 19:38

Send them a message yourself to say how disgusting you think they are. I have a weak, anything for an easy life Type DH as well, but I wouldn't be silenced by him on this kind of thing, I'd speak my mind.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 19:38

Do you know how that conversation came about?

It’d be easy to class them as knobs; but your husband likes them - and that would suggest to me that they have similar sense of humours, they get along. Especially as one of them was his best man! So it doesn’t bode well for your husband if his closet friends are dicks. Would explain why he told them he’d get trouble rather than saying it wasn’t funny, though, and why he’s gone out - he agrees and doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

If that’s not true, something must have sparked the conversation, and whilst it won’t excuse it, I’d find out what so I had the full picture before I decided how unreasonable he is to go out anyway.

AgentProvocateur · 07/10/2017 19:41

I'm usually the first person to call overreacting, but not in this case. They sound like a horrible bunch of childish (homophobic?) bastards. I'd lose respect for my husband if he didn't call them out on it - properly, not his half-arsed attempt. I'd also not be socialising with them till they'd apologised and grown up.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 07/10/2017 19:43

What an absolute prick. I’d be tempted to contact him directly and say that you’ve seen what he has said and how angry you are and see how he reacts. He might be apologetic enough for you to forgive him...... or not. What a shit.

nauticant · 07/10/2017 19:47

Spineless and two-faced. What a weak and unattractive person you've got there OP.

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:51

The photo wasn't sent following on from any conversation. It's a stupid group chat where they send each other gross pictures or pictures of naked women so it seems after scrolling through some of it. They laugh and make vulgar remarks. To be fair to my husband he is a busy man and he had hardly replied to any of it but he had sent this reply to say that 'he'd cop it big time'.

My brothers photo was just sent to start off another round of juevenille behaviour.

I don't have a problem with his friends and I didn't think they had a problem with me. This is why I'm so distraught. Ive never had to deal with this before.

It's more about my husband and the fact he walked out today leaving me feeling like crap when I asked him just this once to stand by my side and show that I'm not attending the night out because of this behaviour and that he doesn't find it acceptable either!

OP posts:

CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 19:53

But he could have logged out the group chat, whereas it seems his lack of participation is circumstances not judgement about the chat. Were you aware of this group chat before?

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CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 19:55

Oh, and he doesn’t get to tell you what you can and cannot say about this to his friends! You are your own person.

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:55

No I wasn't aware of the group chat. I happened to be lying on his chest when he started scrolling through. I think he thought I was sleeping but I sat up and asked to see it.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 07/10/2017 19:58

Well they say you can judge a person by the company they keep.

And seeing how he's chosen to react to your upset and who to show loyalty to, it seems as if that old saying is spot on.

Your new H seems to be showing himself to be quite the dick.

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