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Am I being a pain in the backside here?

(19 Posts)
Oftenfounddoubting Sat 07-Oct-17 14:43:22

Hello,

Today is two years to the day that I found out my OH had been cheating on me with my best friend. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy when I found out and it was our first child together (we both have children from previous relationships)

we'd been together for two years at this point and it absolutely floored me. I've had difficult times in the past (bereavement, acrimonious split, etc) and this was pain on a whole new level.

Anyway, I decided to try and make things work. He was very apologetic and sometimes has taken lots of flak about his affair from me with good grace.

Things haven't been easy. I still feel such hurt from the memory of what he did. He was horrible at the time too, I just didn't know why....Quite often life has been a case of simply putting one foot in front of the other.

Anyway, I've had this date on my mind for a while. I haven't mentioned anything at all to him. No point. We both work and it's fairly rare for us to be in of an evening, with no early starts or children to run about for. Last night was one of those rare nights, and I was looking forward to just being alone with him, just watching telly or whatever. OH needed to pop out to sainsburys to get some bits and whilst he was out, a friend of his bumped into him and said they're having a bit of a spontaneous get together, and another couple (all of these people are lovely and friends of his, not really mine but I know them fairly well) and said why don't you come over? Without even asking me, he agreed on the spot and when he came back, he told me he was off to his friends house (this was about 9ish) and he'd be back about 1/2.

I didn't say much, just said 'you realise that tonight we are child free, apart from our baby, and we have no work in the morning. I'd really like it if you'd spend the evening with me, as time like this is so rare. Not verbatim but pretty much. He said yeah, but I've said I'll go now. I just repeated that him going out like this was fairly upsetting for me so it's up to you. He still went out, knowing that I was hurt a little.

Fast forward to today, I'm still feeling upset and tense. I've said to him that he effectively chose to put himself ahead (going out and having a laugh) of what's best for our relationship, he's adamant that he 'only went out' and I'm having a go at him for simply going out. I've said not at all, if it was pre arranged I'd have no issue, it's the fact that I outlined that we rarely spend quality time together but he still chose to go out knowing how I felt.

He thinks I'm overreacting and I'm worried my feelings about today's anniversary are amplifying my feelings. I'm feeling very hurt. Am I being an arse? Do I just need to get over it?

Any thoughts more than welcome smile

Desmondo2016 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:46:43

It would piss me off simply because he decides to go last minute without checking. The rest of the scenario is just decoration. Fundamentally he was a thoughtless selfish twat.

Desmondo2016 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:47:22

But I truly believe if you stay with a bloke who has already proven he doesn't give a shit about your feelings, what do you expect?

Mintychoc1 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:49:42

I have a very forgiving nature but I couldn't forgive a man who had an affair with my best friend. It's the ultimate betrayal, and to me it says so much about a person. His subsequent behaviour therefore doesn't come as a surprise. To be honest, I don't think there's anything he could do that would restore any kind of trust.

Oftenfounddoubting Sat 07-Oct-17 15:07:50

Thankyou for your comments. Yes absolutely a lot of soul searching going on here. I keep on overlooking it because I don't want to hurt the kids again.

Shoxfordian Sat 07-Oct-17 15:17:38

Yeah I couldn't have forgiven his affair either

It seems like that is the underlying problem and it's not resolved yet

Desmondo2016 Sat 07-Oct-17 15:36:49

Remember YOU'RE not hurting the kids. He is doing that. You are taking positive steps to minimise the overall hurt. Your happiness needs to be a priority too

beesandknees Sat 07-Oct-17 15:48:24

Your best friend?? And while you were pregnant...

I agree with others, by taking him back after that you've effectively told him that you don't care about yourself. In a way it's giving him a free pass not to give a fuck about what you feel, or any fuss you kick up. Because he's already done the actual worst thing he possibly could do to you... And you forgave him and now you don't even mention it anymore.

I'm completely unsurprised by his attitude towards you. It's shit - don't get me wrong - but you've taught him how to treat you.

Sorry I think you should chat to a counselor tbh. There's a lot to sort out here x

NoNamesLeft86 Sat 07-Oct-17 15:56:02

Sorry but I agree. He wouldn't have stepped foot back in my house if I discovered that affair. It's clearly still getting to you, 2 years down the line.

Oftenfounddoubting Sat 07-Oct-17 17:49:27

Yep I'm reading this still. Counselling is probably a good idea. A lot to untangle. I have a lot to think about.

chasingdaisy2 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:23:09

You are already a better person than me for forgiving (or forgetting) his affair in the first place. And to be with a friend just seems worse IMO. Anyway, no you are perfectly entitled to be pissed off. I would be and I can't fault my partner in anything really but this would still make me mad. In fact he probably wouldn't have went because I would've kicked up a fuss.

FizzyGreenWater Sat 07-Oct-17 19:07:33

So explain to me why you are the default parent?

You BOTH had care of your baby, right? Your baby and his baby too.

It's fine for him to say ok, bored of baby care now, I'm going out, you do it all for the rest of the evening on your tod-? Okaaay.

It's only 'just going out' if he has no commitments, no responsibilities. If he does, then it's shitting on the person who then has to pick up those responsibilities for him.

But that isn't surprising at all, is it, because he's already demonstrated as clearly as he possibly can that he thoroughly enjoys shitting on you as comprehensively as possible, because he is a grade-A shit.

You've said that's ok by you, so I guess that's where you are.

Counselling, yes, and thinking about whether he is really as good as it gets for you.

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Sat 07-Oct-17 19:34:48

Fuck counselling, I would just leave. He sounds avoidant and like he was looking for a way to not spend time with you. Get your ducks in a row. Leave with dignity.

Chaos777 Sat 07-Oct-17 20:16:29

He didn't care then, and he doesn't care now.

He doesn't have your back. He isn't your partner in any way.

I think you & your children deserve a better life than this.
Start now in small ways to make that happen.

AnyFucker Sat 07-Oct-17 20:20:13

He fucked your best friend and you still have hope he will prove himself a decent sort ?

Not going to happen. You are flogging a dead horse and the sooner you accept that, the better

scottishdiem Sun 08-Oct-17 01:44:42

Yeah the entire affair thing is clearly (and rightly) still raw and top most in your mind. He will have moved on and does not correlate his actions tonight with the affair but you, for good reason, do. And this will continue. If you want to stay with him, this needs worked through. You are making decisions about what is "best for the relationship" and he is not part of that decision making process. Nor, I think, does he want to be.

clownfaces Sun 08-Oct-17 01:52:54

You decided to take him back 2 years ago. Your choice. You can't now beat him with a stick about it.

Jellyheadbang Sun 08-Oct-17 02:29:16

It's nothing to do with him going out on this spontaneous night . It's all to do with the affair. Poor you. I could never get past that. This will keep coming up unless you get some kind of therapy alone or together and he needs to be more thoughtful, supportive and understanding and you need to be way more assertive.
Where is your 'friend' now? Are you still in contact with her?

Cricrichan Sun 08-Oct-17 12:15:34

You mean nothing to him op. His life is obviously about instant gratification without consideration to anyone.

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