Today is two years to the day that I found out my OH had been cheating on me with my best friend. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy when I found out and it was our first child together (we both have children from previous relationships)
we'd been together for two years at this point and it absolutely floored me. I've had difficult times in the past (bereavement, acrimonious split, etc) and this was pain on a whole new level.
Anyway, I decided to try and make things work. He was very apologetic and sometimes has taken lots of flak about his affair from me with good grace.
Things haven't been easy. I still feel such hurt from the memory of what he did. He was horrible at the time too, I just didn't know why....Quite often life has been a case of simply putting one foot in front of the other.
Anyway, I've had this date on my mind for a while. I haven't mentioned anything at all to him. No point. We both work and it's fairly rare for us to be in of an evening, with no early starts or children to run about for. Last night was one of those rare nights, and I was looking forward to just being alone with him, just watching telly or whatever. OH needed to pop out to sainsburys to get some bits and whilst he was out, a friend of his bumped into him and said they're having a bit of a spontaneous get together, and another couple (all of these people are lovely and friends of his, not really mine but I know them fairly well) and said why don't you come over? Without even asking me, he agreed on the spot and when he came back, he told me he was off to his friends house (this was about 9ish) and he'd be back about 1/2.
I didn't say much, just said 'you realise that tonight we are child free, apart from our baby, and we have no work in the morning. I'd really like it if you'd spend the evening with me, as time like this is so rare. Not verbatim but pretty much. He said yeah, but I've said I'll go now. I just repeated that him going out like this was fairly upsetting for me so it's up to you. He still went out, knowing that I was hurt a little.
Fast forward to today, I'm still feeling upset and tense. I've said to him that he effectively chose to put himself ahead (going out and having a laugh) of what's best for our relationship, he's adamant that he 'only went out' and I'm having a go at him for simply going out. I've said not at all, if it was pre arranged I'd have no issue, it's the fact that I outlined that we rarely spend quality time together but he still chose to go out knowing how I felt.
He thinks I'm overreacting and I'm worried my feelings about today's anniversary are amplifying my feelings. I'm feeling very hurt. Am I being an arse? Do I just need to get over it?
I have a very forgiving nature but I couldn't forgive a man who had an affair with my best friend. It's the ultimate betrayal, and to me it says so much about a person. His subsequent behaviour therefore doesn't come as a surprise. To be honest, I don't think there's anything he could do that would restore any kind of trust.
I agree with others, by taking him back after that you've effectively told him that you don't care about yourself. In a way it's giving him a free pass not to give a fuck about what you feel, or any fuss you kick up. Because he's already done the actual worst thing he possibly could do to you... And you forgave him and now you don't even mention it anymore.
I'm completely unsurprised by his attitude towards you. It's shit - don't get me wrong - but you've taught him how to treat you.
Sorry I think you should chat to a counselor tbh. There's a lot to sort out here x
You are already a better person than me for forgiving (or forgetting) his affair in the first place. And to be with a friend just seems worse IMO. Anyway, no you are perfectly entitled to be pissed off. I would be and I can't fault my partner in anything really but this would still make me mad. In fact he probably wouldn't have went because I would've kicked up a fuss.
You BOTH had care of your baby, right? Your baby and his baby too.
It's fine for him to say ok, bored of baby care now, I'm going out, you do it all for the rest of the evening on your tod-? Okaaay.
It's only 'just going out' if he has no commitments, no responsibilities. If he does, then it's shitting on the person who then has to pick up those responsibilities for him.
But that isn't surprising at all, is it, because he's already demonstrated as clearly as he possibly can that he thoroughly enjoys shitting on you as comprehensively as possible, because he is a grade-A shit.
You've said that's ok by you, so I guess that's where you are.
Counselling, yes, and thinking about whether he is really as good as it gets for you.
Yeah the entire affair thing is clearly (and rightly) still raw and top most in your mind. He will have moved on and does not correlate his actions tonight with the affair but you, for good reason, do. And this will continue. If you want to stay with him, this needs worked through. You are making decisions about what is "best for the relationship" and he is not part of that decision making process. Nor, I think, does he want to be.
It's nothing to do with him going out on this spontaneous night . It's all to do with the affair. Poor you. I could never get past that. This will keep coming up unless you get some kind of therapy alone or together and he needs to be more thoughtful, supportive and understanding and you need to be way more assertive. Where is your 'friend' now? Are you still in contact with her?