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Bachelor party in Amsterdam.

(60 Posts)
clifje02 Sat 07-Oct-17 08:52:11

So, my boyfriend of four and half years (best man) with groom and a bunch of his friends got back from a 5 day trip to Amsterdam for bachelor party. I’m still trying to rack my brains around it, that why did they had to go to another country for a party.

Now I love my boyfriend. Not that he’s ever cheated, but he just doesn’t understand that this trip and him organising the whole trip and whatever else that went on there made me so uncomfortable and I tried to talk to him about my worries. He just laughed at me and said that I was being silly.

Before leaving we got into a bit of an argument about him doing the whole preparations and he said that a bodacious bachelor party is needed for a complete wedding experience and I didn’t know how to respond to that and that was it. I tried to get him to tell me about the details but he wouldn’t tell me anything and just said, you’re getting in my way and I don’t appreicate it.

I tried to be as supportive as I could on the surface but he didn’t even said anything to make sure that it will be alright. I think that he knew what I was thinking and said if you don’t trust me after all this time then that’s not my problem is it? If you think that I’m gonna cheat, don’t you wonder why I would wait 4 and half years to do that? If you’re not happy then maybe we’re not compatible.

The ball’s in your court. You need to trust me just don’t bother me while i’m on this trip and don’t relentlessly call to check in and keep your advice to yourself and don’t give me the list of rules you may or maynot have about this, okay?

So, that was it. After they came back I asked him what happend and he said it’s probably not as bad as you think. Lots of my friends have slept with more women than they can count, and this doesn’t make them monster who would disrespect their relationship. But, he still seemed a bit distant and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in his mind.

Even after 3 days , he still isn’t sharing much and I’m really worried about whether this is it for our relationship. I know we’ve had our argument about this party but I didn’t think it would become such an issue where I’d have to worry about whether he might break up with me.

JustMumNowNotMe Sat 07-Oct-17 08:57:25

What specifically are you worried about? If my DH questioned me extensively about a holiday with my friends it wod massively piss me off. At the moment OP you sound quite uptight and controlling.

cresit Sat 07-Oct-17 08:58:47

Well that's you told, get back in your box and behave yourself OP.

DancesWithOtters Sat 07-Oct-17 08:59:51

I don't get what the problem is.

Do you think he slept with a prostitute? Do you have trust issues?

Me and DP have both been on loads of stag/hens in the UK and Europe. Never been an issue. It doesn't cross my mind to worry about him.

jeaux90 Sat 07-Oct-17 09:00:31

You sound insecure and a bit controlling but he sounds like he didn't exactly reassure you.

People are allowed to go off on trips with their friends, you don't grow in each other's shadows. But if you don't trust him then you need to work out whether this is your issue or his.

Life is too short to be with someone you don't trust, and in a healthy relationship you should be able to wave each other off with no worries and wanting them to have fun.

This doesn't sound like that kind of relationship.

TokenGinger Sat 07-Oct-17 09:03:09

Agree with Just.

You are massively insecure and you’ve, in no uncertain terms, told your DP you do not trust him and reincorced this message many times.

If I was treated like that, I’d be telling DP to FRO and I’d probably be considering whether I want to be in a relationship with that person anymore.

Unless he’s given you reason to distrust him in the past, which doesn’t seem to be the case, then YABU.

TheNaze73 Sat 07-Oct-17 09:06:08

You need to take a step back & maybe flip this? If he was harassing you for details, you’d tell him to FRO like token said.

Teddy7878 Sat 07-Oct-17 09:08:08

I agree with the OP.
Some people aren't comfortable with things like strip clubs or sex shows and he obviously would have been at things like that if he was on a stag in Amsterdam.
I think her OH should have reassured her a bit more

Ellisandra Sat 07-Oct-17 09:13:13

Weird that you "don't understand" why they had to go to another country hmm
Because they wanted to? Because people think it's more special to do so?

But, for those saying OP is controlling, come on - this is Amsterdam. Amsterdam + stag do = reasonable assumption of red light District.

Her boyfriend was the organiser and refused to tell her what he had planned, and now afterwards won't tell her where he went.

If I asked my boyfriend, he wouldn't see it as controlling, it would just be a normal chit chat about our lives. He'd say "we're going to the Reijksmuseum on day 1" and I'd say "cool - are you doing a boat trip too, or the Avocado café?"

I'd be bloody unimpressed if my boyfriend went to Amsterdam and refused to tell me what the plans were.

operaha Sat 07-Oct-17 09:25:07

I also don't get why you don't understand the need for the party - its blatant.
But 5 days is excessive and I may be alone in this I spent 2 days in Amsterdam and was bored af.
It just didn't do it for me. I'm not in to drugs or prostitutes so maybe I'd enjoy it more if I was. That said I had a great pint in a bar that overlooked a "window".
Me thinks I've gone off the point.
You're massively not trusting him for not much reason unless you have cause to. Which makes me suspect you have.

Teddy7878 Sat 07-Oct-17 09:29:31

Why would she trust him though when he won't tell her anything that they got up to?! If he did nothing wrong and has nothing to hide then he'd just tell her what they did. Surely it's not a big deal? Maybe she wouldn't be so suspicious and questioning of him if he would be more open. He doesn't need to tell her the gory details but I would expect my OH to be like "on the Saturday night we went to a strip club, the Sunday night we did a bar crawl and the mon night we went to a burlesque show"

6demandingchildren Sat 07-Oct-17 09:35:36

I have been to Amsterdam many times and it's so funny watching the stag groups in the red light district, they just giggle and all pretend that they would but they are generally to pissed or stoned.
But the atmosphere is great there, I can understand you bring insecure about it but he has not helped that by not telling you and being compassionate about your feelings. Maybe ask him to take you over there as it's also a great place for couples.

Ellisandra Sat 07-Oct-17 09:39:46

Ask him to take her there?
How about she invites him to go with her? hmm

He refused to tell her anything about the trip when he was planning it.
How is that a nice person? I wouldn't be going on a romantic weekend break with a man who didn't give a shit about my feelings.

AlexanderHamilton Sat 07-Oct-17 09:42:07

Your use of the term bachelor party gives me the impression you are not British as we don't use that tearm here. It's more of an American term.

Whilst I don't agree with long expensive trips stag & hen parties (that's what we tend to call them) are often held abroad. Everyone tends to get very drunk/stoned & there may or may not be a stripper involved. (I don't like strippers myself and neither does my husband but it's what some people think is fun)

Attending any of these things doesn't mean he was unfaithful.

DancesWithOtters Sat 07-Oct-17 09:42:16

I love Amsterdam! Aside from the red light district, which you obviously don't have to go near.

It's a great city with loads to do. We went on a guided cycling tour, went on a boat, did the museums, lovely restaurants and quirky pubs. May have had a cheeky smoke on one evening.

I know the cliche about stags and Amsterdam but not all groups of men are like that at all. Our group of friends stags generally included pubs, food, activities like paintballing, going to football matches, going to nerdy gaming bars etc. They generally think strippers and prostitution is minging and very depressing.

Mumanddadtoone Sat 07-Oct-17 09:45:46

Is this a pattern in your relationship? I mean him keeping things from you. If so, then I think I'd feel similar to you. If not, it might come across as needy and controlling.

Teddy7878 Sat 07-Oct-17 09:46:42

If the OP's OH just went cycling and to nice restaurants and bars I'm sure he wouldn't have had any issue telling OP what they got up to.
The fact he is being shady about it and won't divulge even the slightest bit of information other than "it wasn't as bad as you think" makes me think things like strip clubs were 100% involved. A lot of women wouldn't give two hoots about their partners going to places like that, but it would be a deal breaker for me if my OH paid for a private dance and didn't tell me. Guess OP will never know what went on as sounds like her OH is going to flat out refuse to be open about it

Smeaton Sat 07-Oct-17 09:48:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ememem84 Sat 07-Oct-17 09:51:32

Dh went to amserdam for a stag do earlier this year. I haven’t asked any questions. I didn’t want to know. I’ve seen pictures. And have been told a few snippets from his friends. They did as a pp said above. Got drunk/stoned then toddled off into the red light district. The majority of them were too stoned pissed to do anything other than giggle. Dh said he was flashed by a beautiful lady in a window but she wasn’t a complete she had a penis and “the biggest boobs he’d ever seen - bigger than yours...!” thanks dh

AnyFucker Sat 07-Oct-17 09:52:20

He sounds like a wind up merchant to me

Christinayangstwistedsista Sat 07-Oct-17 10:03:13

I hate the whole " stag do in Amsterdam " thing. You both seem to have different views on relationships so maybe its time to think about your future

thewooster Sat 07-Oct-17 10:07:18

So he buggers off to Amsterdam and he's arranged all the activities for this stag, but he won't give you any details. So in your mind you are thinking red light district, strippers, sex shows etc.

And he's saying shut the fuck up woman, you nag.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

ShatnersWig Sat 07-Oct-17 10:09:13

Teddy Sorry but why do people always trot out a line like this:

Some people aren't comfortable with things like strip clubs or sex shows and he obviously would have been at things like that if he was on a stag in Amsterdam.

Do you know, some people go to Amsterdam for stag parties and don't go to a sex show? I'm quite prepared to accept a comment that MANY would have been at things like that but it's just bollocks to infer that every man or group of men that go to Amsterdam go there for the sex trade.

Christinayangstwistedsista Sat 07-Oct-17 10:22:54

They could have been there for purely cultural reasons but the op does g know as he won't discuss it with hef

Teddy7878 Sat 07-Oct-17 10:25:41

@shatners bollocks he didn't go to a strip club! If he was just there soaking up the culture then surely he'd just tell her what they did?! The fact he's keeping schtum is pretty damning evidence.
And I'm well aware people go to Amsterdam and don't go to strip clubs. I've been twice and didn't step foot in the red light district.

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