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Do they change?(7 Posts)
Hi i just needed some advice and wasnt sure where else to go.
So i have been married to dh for 14 years (since i was 20). We have 2 kids 12 and 7. I work fulltime and have a decent job. Dh is better paid and works for himself. He is a very hands on dad. Ensures he can pick the kids up everyday, does dinner and homework, doctors appointments etc. Basically anything that needs doing before i get home at about 4-5pm.
Dh hss been emotionally abusive for quite a number of years. Nothing really bad. But i couldnt go out without coming home to an argument or the silent treatment. He belittled my opinions. Would lie and say i hadnt told him things that i had. Gave me access to little money (even though i worked he took most for the bills and he earned more). My birthdays/Christmas always ended up with me being sad. He would get gifts that were things he knew i didnt like. I just smiled, said thank you and moved on.
I couldnt have any contact with males at all. Even collegues. If i mentioned it it woukd cause arguments. Over the years i became a character (only way i can describe it). My opinions were ones he would find acceptable, i did what he woild find acceptable and even say i was happy. I would smile act happy. When people commented about how we were always together i used to say it was amazing as we were best friends too.
He also used to guilt me into sex.
Anyway, November last year it all came to a head. I was ready to end it. Unusually, for him, he admitted to most of what he had done. He said he knew he was abusing me and wanted help. I really wanted to finish it. But stayed because i was scared he would turn and make my life miserable again.
He had counselling and this year has been better. I have been out a little bit, he has been nicer and supportive. I suspect he is still trying to go through my phone though.
Until avout a month ago. Its starrkng again. Last week i went out to a works party. He was off with me all weekend. I have had a hard week at work and both my bosses (one male and one female) are leaving my department. Which made me sad. Then the boss that is a man decided he was staying. Dh kicked off. Apparantly he never like me working with him. Dh doesnt know him. My boss has been a really great boss and nothing inappropriate has ever happened or hinted at. He just hates him because he is a man.
When he went to counselling we seperated finances due to him with holding money. Last night he has decided that he wants a big chunck towards bills so i said ok. He also expects me to pay the same amount into savings for a holiday booked next January. These leaves me with next to nothing when petrol and other bills have come out.
He never goes out. Most nights are spent with both of us on the sofa. If i dont hold his hand or cuddle with him, he gets upset. If i text anyone (female) he gets annoyed. If i dont text anyone he thonks i am hiding it and waiting until he leaves the room. If i am browsing the internet and happen to finish and put the phone down before he sees the screen, he says i am making him paranoid.
I care about him. But want to leave. He will make my life hell. He will try and take the kids (we split before, a long time ago and he tried to take dd). He has a good case for it as he does afternoon care. But my job would allow me to work from home and be flexible so i can do afternoon school runs. He and his business partner will make sure it looks like he earns nothing.
He will make sure i am lonely and piss poor. My parents supported him last time as mum feels i just didnt work hard enough at my marriage. I only have a few worl colleagues who are no friends but cant rely on them for practical support.
I dont know what to do. Can anyonr give me advice?
Also i am a regular poster but namechanged for this.
You have answered your own question right there
First answer is no he won't change and you have actually answered that in your own post because he has been through the steps that could have made him change.
You now need to be strong and go and seek advice. Don't just leave, get all your ducks in a row first. Go and get some legal advice, even if you have to pay for it. You need to be very prepared to leave a man like this.
My dad was like this to almost the same description. He made my mums life hell for 45 years. Jealous, possessive, emotionally distant, controlling. You name it, he did it! He once said that if she left him he would rather burn all their assets including the house than give her any!
These types of men are not capable of change. It's in built so it's either a lifetime of misery for you or you have to be Brave and take steps to end it.
In answer to your question posed in your heading, no they do not change.
Your husband never changed; he just said and did some of the right things to think that he had so you stayed. He likely managed to manipulate the counsellor he saw into taking his side. Also you stayed out of fear of him amongst many other reasons which is understandable as well.
He has been abusive to you and in turn your children (who have seen far more than you care to realise) throughout your marriage. Time to draw a definitive line in the sand now. On top of his ongoing emotional abuse towards you (and in turn your kids) he is being financially abusive to boot further leaving you trapped and without any say.
If you want to leave now then leave him, do not stay within this shell of a marriage any longer. You only need to give your own self permission to do so. Also do not talk to your mother in particular about leaving him, she gave you some really duff advice last time and I doubt she will say any different this time too. They in their ways set you up for a relationship where abuse features particularly if they come out with gems like that.
Your H is no different really from the many other abusive men that I read about on here; they speak really from the same script re money and children, its all designed to keep their woman whom they really see as a mere possession in the hole which was dug for them. They all threaten to take the kids away; again it is an empty threat said to keep their woman further trapped and controlled.
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships for them to potentially repeat in their own adult relationships.
Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women organisations on 020 7251 6577 (for women in England and Wales) are well worth contacting in your circumstances and I would urge you to call them asap. They can and will help you. They can also help you with legal advice and knowledge after all is power!!.
Please leave him.
Could you start working from home now half the week so he can't say he does all afternoon care? You don't want to be in a position where you pay him CM.
But please leave him. This is no life. Are you giving him most of your earnings? Tell him you won't ge going on holiday.
How did he try and take DD away? Could you use that as evidence?
I know i need to leave. I am so scared. I have never been an adult on my own. I am so scared that i have thought about ending it all.
I will call womens aid from work on monday.
I can start working from home a bit more now. But not everyday. Where we live, its impossible for dd to get from secondary to home. Well it would take almost 2 hours on buses. So dh picks her up. I would only be able to do half days everyday if i took over the afternoon school run. I take her on a morning, before i go to work. Dh takes the younger one to school.
Upon splitting i want to move from the rural place we are in and move closer to her school. She could then get herself home and i can pick the younger one up at 3.30. Or use the after school club on days i cant finish at 3.
I know my employer wouldnt mind me working 9.30 til 3 in the office then at home on an evening. As long as i could stay when occasionally needed to. Maybe one day a week. Finishing at 2pm everyday maybe a bit of a stretch for them. Even though it would mean i could take over the afternoon care. Is it worth doing it 1 or 2 times a week now?
He tried to take dd away by reporting me to social services. I didnt have a sofa, when i moved. I was waiting until i got paid.
The holiday is really bothering me. Its a once in a lifetime trip. My parents are going and i will get no end of grief if i dont go.
My mum is extremely controlling herself. I think she sees what dh is doing and approves of it. She thinks that i need controlling.
Your last paragraph explains why you have put up with this shit for so long. Your mother. You don't need anyone's permission to divorce him.
He sounds awful and no they don't change.
Believe me, being a single parent is a lot easier than being in a crap relationship
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