Relationship anxiety getting to me

[WobblyMess]

Been married many years. Dh works overseas a lot of the time.

He's away now and moving between sites. It's evening where I am. No contact since last night, he's been offline for over 7 hours. Told him to let me know when he leaves current place for new palce and he said ok.

Not heard a word. Its a 5 hr drive. I don't know if he's still in first place, on his way or what. easy anser is to call him. I have suffered anxiety for years and always feel silly calling him. He knows about y anxiety and it's been discussed many times over the years so its not like he doesn't know how much i worry.
Its getting to me because i do't just worry when he's out of contacr, but start worrying a lot earlier maybe even the day before that something might happen.
I literally do't know where my Dh is. I thought maybe he's planning to surprise me and come home instead which is a nice thought but i will be upset when it doesn't happen.
I wish I could just think "no news is good news" and get on with things.

[WobblyMess]

Im not really sure why i posted because there's nothing anyone can do to change things and the logical advice is to call him.

[WobblyMess]

One of the reasons i dont like to call is if he doesn't answer or it goes straight to voicemail it makes me even more anxious

[WobblyMess]

So I called and it rang several times then went to voicemail. Suddenly he's appeared online

[WobblyMess]

He forgot to let me know he was leaving first place and is now in second place - i know for a fact he's there.

He's always been where he's supposed to be and always been ok but communnication isn't his strong point. I know most women wouldn't panic and thats what i need help with. in kmy head i come up with with lots of worst case scenarios and convinve myself something aewful has happened . I'm ther same with my oldest dc when they're on the road.

\I was treated with antidepressants years ago and should go to the dr again and ask for help but my doctor is a bit of an arse who likes to talk but not listen

[Binghasalottoanswerfor]

I would definitely be making it clear to him how him not letting you know how he is, is making you feel x

[WobblyMess]

We've had this talk so many times. Its not really rational how i feel. I think he sees it from a non anxiety POV so doesn't see the big deal and i now to many people it isn't. they would come all with lots of reasonable reasons why he didn't contact me (the real reason being one of them) where I go to all the silly scenarios and wind myself up.

I wish i could control how and feel and stop being paranoid if that's the right word.

[sonjadog]

I think you should find a new doctor and ask for help with this. This is not a good way to spend your life.

[beesandknees]

Every time he reassures you or calls you in order to quell your anxiety etc in the way you want him to, that's actually making the anxiety worse over time, are you aware of that? Reassurance from other people simply legitimizes the fear and makes you feel less and less control over it (as you're effectively making it so that you don't learn to comfort yourself - you rely on your husband to do that, and then get angry with him for not comforting you enough/ often enough)

You need CBT and possibly medication. Take control of your anxiety yourself. Don't rely on dh to manage it for you. That way misery lies.

[WobblyMess]

No I dont see it like that.

If he's away we dont actually talk more than once a week. sometimes we go weeks without talking. we might only message a couple of times a day. its not like he has to be in touch all day every day. He travels loads so i ask him to let me know when he's arrived safely which i think is perfectly reasonable and i think him not doing so will not help me at all. All i ask is to know his travel, which is sometimes in dangerous places, is over safely.

i need to find a way to deal with it when i dont hear rfom him when i expect to. To not automatically assume something bad has happened.

I will not "self comfort" by having no contact and it seems rather odd to me

[WobblyMess]

sonjadog I'd like to do that. I am waiting to hear if i have been successful in transferring to another dr.

[Mjslaven]

Set your expectation clearly to him.
You're not asking for anything unusual if you just want a check in phone call or message.
Explain how it's important to you and the effect it has if it doesn't happen.
Stick to it and make it happen every time. Don't give in or accept anything less.

Some people will never see or understand why you need that so you have to make it happen for you!

[WobblyMess]

Thank you Mjslaven