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Was this abuse?

(32 Posts)
fishbowl05 Fri 06-Oct-17 22:04:58

Bear with me as this has turned out long!

This isn't my first post and I have name changed.

I've recently started to believe that when I was 19-22 I was in an abusive relationship. I've never really thought about it in this way but I have a lot of issues with self confidence and have recently started to think more and more about the time I was with this man. Writing down quite a few examples, it has added up to quite a lot. My family have always dismissed anything I've told them as 'just one of those things' and I'm really too embarrassed to talk about this with my friends as I feel like an idiot.

Some examples of his behaviour:

Not giving me my own space - I always had to be with him, even to the extent where I couldn't watch tv alone or go to bed at a different time.

Telling me he hated the person I became when with my friends.

Telling me awful things about my friends to try and stop me seeing them.

Making me do his work for him when we were studying.

I had a job and he didn't (both at university) yet he used to make me give him most of my money because it wasn't fair that I was working and didn't see him.

Making me sleep on the sofa because he was sick of me.

Making me sleep on the floor without blankets because he was sick of me.

Not letting me see my family because he hated being alone - yet didn't want to come with me to visit. Guilt tripping me into not going.

Trying to control my diet.

Everything I did was wrong - bought the wrong food, chose the wrong thing. One Christmas I spent ages choosing presents for him. He said we had to open them beforehand and berated everything I had bought him - made me take it all back.

Shouting at me for spending my money - everything I did with it was always a waste.

Constantly saying I was boring, less exciting, uglier than other girls.

Getting upset if I went out without him
Making up reasons for me to come home when I was at work, university, out with friends

Trapping me in the bathroom for hours at a time and getting angry when I got upset. He said it meant I didn't trust him.

Putting a duvet over my face and getting angry when I got upset because it meant I didn't trust him.

Making me have sex whilst watching porn, because I didn't turn him on enough.

Forcing us to have sex in front of windows.

Pain games - flicking me or punching me and getting angry if it hurt because it meant I didn't trust him.

Outrageous insecurity - making me promise to marry him etc when he was drunk, coupled with threatening to leave if I didn't do what he said.

Had disgusting personal hygiene and forced me to perform sexual acts on him.

Do you think that this relationship was abusive? If so would I benefit from some counselling? I feel like I'd like to talk about it with someone but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

TheSockGoblin Fri 06-Oct-17 22:12:27

I think you are massively under-reacting. This was incredibly abusive. Sorry you went through this.

Yes, I think you would if you feel it's still negatively impacting you. How are things now?

EasyToEatTiger Fri 06-Oct-17 22:25:10

I hope you are well away by now. Make contact with Rape Crisis, Womens' Aid and the police who will help you find specialist support. You really sound as though you have been through the mill. Not normal at all. You can print out this thread and take it with you. Get talking! flowers

fishbowl05 Fri 06-Oct-17 22:25:32

I'm 28 now so it was 5 or 6 years ago. Because I guess the only people who know about it are my parents and they haven't indulged it (I suspect it upsets them) I guess
I just got on with life. I've had boyfriends since but been single a while now. I just struggle with feelings of inadequacy and I'm so wary of men.

fishbowl05 Fri 06-Oct-17 22:35:08

I'm intelligent and I think I just feel really stupid that I was in that situation.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Oct-17 22:37:20

I am very concerned you need to ask this question

Bobbins43 Fri 06-Oct-17 22:40:53

It can honestly happen to anyone. Any one at all. Please do get in touch with someone like Refuge or find a counsellor to talk to. It was most definitely an abusive relationship. And I am sorry you had to go through it.

lou1221 Fri 06-Oct-17 22:44:13

I'm so sorry this happened. Yes, definitely abuse, physical, mental, sexual abuse. This nasty piece of work needs to be put away! Speak to someone xx

SabineUndine Fri 06-Oct-17 22:44:21

The first point about space. That is clear abuse on its own, never mind the rest. Have a hug. It’s sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees when you’re in a situation.

Puddlesy Fri 06-Oct-17 22:46:45

Yes. What you have written is abuse.

It is amazing sometimes when we look back at things through older eyes. If you didn't realise or didn't want to acknowledge it at the time don't feel bad about it.

If you are curious about whether counselling can help, have a word with your GP. Alternative if you work you may have an occupational health department who can put you in touch with soneone. It doesn't have to be work related and they won't tell work.

Maybe something like cognitive behavioural therapy would help with your confidence. This could be along with counselling or independently.

You've recognised it now so now you can find the best way for you to move on. X

HandbagCrazy Fri 06-Oct-17 23:06:13

Yes, everything you've posted is abusive, and the fact that you're not sure shows that you would benefit from counselling, to help you understand and process what happened and to put up strong boundaries to ensure you spot this sort of behaviour for what it is in the future.

Go on to the relationships board and read the sticky post at the top - titled Right, Listen up. It is a great post explaining what a healthy relationship should be and all the things that can be presented as 'normal' but are abusive.

Another idea to hopefully help you see that his behaviour was abusive is to think about a friend telling you that her boyfriend did these things to her. I'm guessing you would hold your friend in higher esteem than you do yourself and would hate to think of her being treated this way flowers

zzzzz Fri 06-Oct-17 23:11:30

Yes, without question or doubt.

fishbowl05 Fri 06-Oct-17 23:11:46

He is married now and has children. I'm not interested in trying to get justice or anything like that. I'm happy not to contact him ever again, but I want to get closure and work through my own problems for myself.

I feel like I've minimised it for so long that I've never considered that it may have had an impact on my confidence and thought patterns now.

HighwayChile Fri 06-Oct-17 23:15:40

Yes, definitely abusive.

Many local domestic violence agencies offer support/ counselling for historical abuse; Women’s Aid can help you find your local service, their number is 0808 2000 247.

Also I would recommend looking into the Freedom Programme if you have the opportunity.

And I’m sorry that happened to you, you did not deserve it and I wish you all the best flowers

fishbowl05 Fri 06-Oct-17 23:23:21

Also because he didn't ever hit me badly I feel that I'm not really eligible or deserving for a lot of abuse support, rightly or wrongly.

TheSockGoblin Fri 06-Oct-17 23:51:52

You are certainly deserving of abuse support, and maybe it's taken until now to let yourself really understand that it has had a big impact on you because you needed to protect yourself from the reality of how bad it actually was.

Getting beaten black and blue is not the only form of abuse - did you know that there is a new psychological abuse law now? That just goes to show how seriously you can be affected whether you got heavily physically abused or not.

You've done brilliantly to recognise this, question it all and start to reach out for support - that's really courageous of you.

Please try to access more help via some therapy if you can - it sounds like you're ready to deal with the abuse you went through now. flowers

SomeBananasAreStillGreen Fri 06-Oct-17 23:59:12

It took my ex-husband ten years to actually hit me. .. and in the early days (the first five years) he was nothing like as dreadful as the boyfriend you are talking about.

Please get help!

You shouldn't even have to ask us. What you are describing is beyond horrid, and you need to talk to someone in real life.

Domestic abuse is not just physical bruises. .. you will be scarred for a long time if you fail to deal with this flowers

NightmareMonkey Sat 07-Oct-17 00:02:22

That'a quite a catalogue of abuse. Glad you are no longer with him.

Cricrichan Sat 07-Oct-17 02:53:27

Definitely incredibly abusive. I can't believe your parents don't think that. How's your relationship with your parents? Your childhood?

Agree with others. The fact that you're questioning it, means you could really do with talking it through with a professional.(((())))

Shoxfordian Sat 07-Oct-17 07:15:02

Yeah it's obviously abusive. Really just one of those incidents should be enough to end the relationship. Agree with others that you should seek out some counselling or perhaps the Freedom Programme would help

fishbowl05 Sat 07-Oct-17 08:43:18

My relationship with my parents is ok but they tend to make everything about themselves (my mother especially) e.g. If I'm upset they also get upset, I understand they're worried about me but I think she struggles to separate being able to support me emotionally with getting emotional herself. If I have tried to talk about it they'll just say something like 'well you're single now' or 'it upsets us to if you say that so don't say it' or even 'yes we were also stressed when you broke up'. So I avoid talking to them now.

fishbowl05 Sat 07-Oct-17 08:46:45

I also think that in my parents eyes we were quite young, so therefore it couldn't have been 'proper' abuse. I'd say my parents lives are generally quite sheltered though.

jeaux90 Sat 07-Oct-17 09:43:35

I have a mum that's a bit of a grief thief too.

I have learnt not to tell her everything.

You were in an incredibly abusive relationship and some counselling will probably help yes. I did some therapy after leaving my abusive narc ex. (Google narcissist I bet your ex ticks those boxes) the therapy really helped.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 08-Oct-17 10:30:04

I'd a boyf who was very similar but not as bad. I had counselling afterwards but it still had a dreadful effect on my subsequent relationships. Even had nightmares about him the last 2 nights - 20 years later. hmm

WingsofNylon Sun 08-Oct-17 20:14:50

OP reading your post has really upset me. As Anyfucker and others have said, the fact that you had to ask or concerning and shows just how much he impacted you.

That was a very abusive relationship and yes, if you want professional support with it then go get it. Lots of people won't understand for reasons of thier own pain and insecurity. A therapist will.

I am so sorry that you went through such an awful thing. Be kind to yourself. flowers

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