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Daughter doesn't want children.

(143 Posts)
vuscal Fri 06-Oct-17 21:59:41

This isn't me bashing anyone who doesn't want children. It's absolutely an individual choice. However, I think you'd be lying if you didn't think your child was going to have children. I always imagined I'd be a grandmother. She is our only child.

She's great and has said "she doesn't want children yet" and so I know that doesn't mean at all but she is 35 and single. Currently has lots of rescue rodents and devotes all her time to them.

I suppose I feel quite sad about this. That's normal right?

donajimena Fri 06-Oct-17 22:03:50

Absolutely normal. I don't blame you one bit for feeling sad about it. But you need to support her choice/circumstances.
Talk it out on here and don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling sad about it.
But say nothing to your daughter. Its a massive decision to have a child and its certainly not to please someone else.

Graceflorrick Fri 06-Oct-17 22:05:50

Feeling sad isn’t going to change the situation though. You have a lovely DD, some people aren’t that lucky! just enjoy her and live a fulfilling life. Grandchildren aren’t essential.

Bue Fri 06-Oct-17 22:05:56

Totally normal to feel sad IMO. I have 2 DDs and will be sad if I don't get the chance to be a grandmother. It's their choice of course but I'd feel disappointed for myself. You are entitled to your feelings.

vuscal Fri 06-Oct-17 22:08:58

Thank you that's reassuring. I definitely know I'm lucky to have her but it seems weird to be getting older and having no small children around. A lot of my friends are too busy to come out and socialise because they are with their grandchildren and if we do see each other of have a phone call they always talk about their grandchildren and what they have done.

My daughter is lovely and does see me lots, but I can't exactly buy a hamster a Christmas present. She calls them "her babies" and it's nice what she's doing but it seems to be making her rather isolated.

CoveredInFondant Fri 06-Oct-17 22:11:52

Maybe she's discovered she can't and is reframing it?

vuscal Fri 06-Oct-17 22:13:03

I don't think so because she hasn't had a long time partner in quite a while so she definitely has never been trying for a baby

TorNayDoh Fri 06-Oct-17 22:13:36

If you want small kids around, what about looking into fostering?

thenightsky Fri 06-Oct-17 22:14:37

My DD always said she didn't want babies and, same as yours, has a rescued gerbils, chinchillas etc. Since she met her lovely DP 2 years ago and they have bought a house, they have started hinting about babies. I try not to comment or show excitement.

<<eeeeeek>>

BrassicaBabe Fri 06-Oct-17 22:14:56

My mum would have said the same as you when I was 35. She had pictures in her desk of hamster equivalent because "it was the closest she was going to get to GC". It wasn't. Hang in there maybe x

bigbluedustbin Fri 06-Oct-17 22:14:57

I never wanted children and now too old to have them, people have finally stopped asking me when I will have children. But I used the "I don't want children yet" as a way to stop the badgering when I said I didn't want them at all.

It's OK to feel sad, but please don't let your daughter know that you are disappointed. It's the most frustrating thing about not wanting children when family members can't accept it as a valid choice.

kaitlinktm Fri 06-Oct-17 22:16:51

I can empathise with you as I have 2 sons in their 30s and neither of them wants a family. They have said this since their teens, but I guess I always thought they might change their minds - but it does look now as if they mean it. However, what I want most of all for them is to be happy and if they feel that they can't be happy if they have children, then so be it.

Other relatives with whom we are now NC (but not because of this) used to say stupid shit to them like "you will have to have children because your Mum want grandchildren" - WTAF? Therefore I have always told them I wasn't bothered at all.

It does make me sad though - and more worryingly - it makes me wonder what I did wrong which put them off families so much. sad

Floralnomad Fri 06-Oct-17 22:17:23

I have 2 adult children and I doubt either will have children , doesn't bother me in the slightest . I will just as happily dog sit for them .

furryelephant Fri 06-Oct-17 22:19:11

My parents didn't want kids until their 30s. Now there's 4 of us grin

furryelephant Fri 06-Oct-17 22:20:25

Sorry posted too soon! But my point is that you never know smile for some people they don't feel they want kids until they find the person they want them with. But if she doesn't ever have any, it's ok to feel sad

DancesWithOtters Fri 06-Oct-17 22:21:10

Ha! That you mum?

DancesWithOtters Fri 06-Oct-17 22:23:09

(and my mum has now started buying Christmas presents for my pets from "Granny and Grandad". Cat got his own stocking last year grin)

ShatnersWig Fri 06-Oct-17 22:24:01

I've never wanted children. My parents have always known this. I'm now 43. My mind is not changing.

My parents have looked after a friend's child for years while she works and he goes to them after school now. He has a bedroom in their house and often stays over. He calls them Grampy and Nanny even though he has grandparents.

They treat him far better than they ever treated me as a child. There are dozens of photos of him all over their house. There are only two of me, their own son. I have heard them tell other people in front of me how wonderful their grandchild is.

It fucking hurts.

Don't do that to your child, OP.

Dodie66 Fri 06-Oct-17 22:24:15

Same here. My DIL can't have children, my oldest daughter doesn't want any and my other daughter is nearly 40 and doesn't have a partner. Doesn't look like I will be a grandmother and feeling sad too

kingfishergreen Fri 06-Oct-17 22:28:04

I found my mother's sadness at my childlessness aged 35 incredibly painful.

She tried to hide it, but it leaked out and I felt horribly under pressure. Please, please be careful not to drive a wedge between yourself and DD. Maybe read some blogs/articles by people who've chosen not to have kids, so you can feel happier with the situation (that's what I did as the childless one, and at times I really believed I didn't want kids).

I became pregnant with, and gave birth to DD aged 37.

JustHereForThePooStories Fri 06-Oct-17 22:28:20

My husband (40-something) is an only child and we're not going to be having children.

He would be devastated if he thought he was born with the job of someday making his parents grandparents.

HelenaDove Fri 06-Oct-17 22:29:00

Im 44 and childfree by choice Ive felt this way since my v. early 20s. I told my DM when i was 21 and she was a bit pissed off at first but grew used to it.

I have realized as ive got older what a political and feminist decision it was.

Women are still expected to bear the brunt of the childcare in 2017.

And women carry the mental load. I didnt want the drudgery of carrying that load. So i swerved it.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme Fri 06-Oct-17 22:30:37

Your feelings are never invalid. It's how you act that matters.

Ofcourse you are entitled to feel the way you do. As long as you don't treat her any differently. smile

GiantSteps Fri 06-Oct-17 22:31:37

She'll pick up how you feel. Don't think you can hide your disappointment.

You say she hasn't had a partner - many women find themselves in this situation out of circumstance not choice. She may be childless by circumstance and that is a very tough place to be. Don't make it worse for her.

You say she's your only child's. Using your logic, one could wonder why you only had one child, if you were counting on grandchildren. You could have increased your chances by having more than one child.

But to ask you this, or lay any blame on you would be intrusive and cruel - so bear this in mind with your daughter. Would you like people asking you why you only had one child and feeling sad about it?

HelenaDove Fri 06-Oct-17 22:31:56

Shatner thanks im sorry to hear that

In my case later that same year my then 19 year old DB got his girlfriend pregnant. My DN is 22 So the focus for kids was off me after that.

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