Scared of being lonely

[RainbowHash]

Hi, I'm on the brink of initiating a separation from my husband. I've gone over it so many times in my head, and although it feels like I'm about to jump of a cliff, I can't help but feel it's the right thing in the long run. (We're emotionally separated for about a year, no sex for 4 years, emotionally abusive to a degree).

But one of the things that's holding me back is a fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I can't bear the thought of OLD, and assume that single guys will either be divorced for good reason or single for good reason. I like my own company, to a certain point, but one of my reasons to leave is that I'm not ready to give up on affection and intimacy at 40 years old (I feel 30)! Which is what is I'll be doing if I stay in this marriage.

But, we're getting along 'ok' at the moment day to day, e.g having dinner together some evenings, enjoying a glass of wine, but purely platonic.

I'm scared of being on my own for the rest of my life!

Did others feel like this too? Has it worked out okay?

[Looksprettybad]

I'm in the same position but older. I just know the emotional and verbal abuse has destroyed anything we had and there's no going back. He can be nice but so unpredictable. It's a different type of loneliness...

[VioletCharlotte]

Hi Op I understand how daunting it is to take the leap but you'll be absolutely fine! I've been single for a while and I'm so much happier. It is hard to start with and takes some getting used to, but I really can't imagine ever living with a man again.

It takes a bit of a mindset shift to understand that your relationship status isn't what defines you - being single doesn't mean you've failed, it's a lifestyle choice. Just because you're coming out of one relationship doesn't mean you have to start looking for another; you can just be you. And you may well find you actually quite like you a lot more than you thought you did

[RainbowHash]

@Looksprettybad what stage are you at? Are you leaving? Oh Lordy the unpredictability - he's being nice, helpful, interested at the moment which is making it harder. I want him to have an episode so I'm reminded that there's no option. But I'm not going back to how it was either. 💐

[Spooladot]

Worrying about being alone is natural as you're on the brink of a big change. It's normal to feel this. Try not to look ahead too far right now - it's one step at a time and you'll get there, gradually you'll create your new life. OLD might seem daunting right now but again, in six months, a year, you may well feel differently. And lots of men are single, for all sorts of reasons, it doesn't mean there's something wrong in their make-up.

[RainbowHash]

@VioletCharlotte thanks for the words of encouragement! Made me smile. Like I do when I imagine my new, independent life! Well done you! I've 2 kids, a great family, lots of social interaction so I feel very lucky. I guess I just want someone to cuddle up with and laugh with as I get older, but I've not got that now, so I guess there's no difference!

[VioletCharlotte]

Rainbow get a dog! You'll always have someone to cuddle then. And getting out for walks every day means you're never lonely as you always meet people and get chatting.

[meowimacat]

I'm currently sat in my house alone after separating from my OH 6 months ago.......but I'M SO HAPPY.
Yes it's lonely, but I'm free.

I hate OLD and have no plans to entertain it. However, if you get out there, make new hobbies, you will meet people. I've met loads of people and been asked out by a few - although not ready yet.

Honestly, to me being with someone and feeling lonely is way worse than being on my own forever. I'd rather choose my life than settle.

xx

[Princesscharming]

Wow Meowimacat you are so right and you do sound very happy.
Why do we need think we need to find another man!! I’m not sure there’s that many good ones out there and I personally would rather be on my own than back in an abusive relationship.
I’m right in the middle of separation, Age 40 and after 14 yrs together. I worry about loneliness too. I worry about never meeting anyone else. We need to shift our perspective and concentrate on learning to love ourselves before we get wrapped up in meeting someone new. X

[meowimacat]

Princesscharming Exactly. I remember when I first became single I had a massive panic about being a single mum to two DC's and how that would make me so unappealing to a new guy. I just felt so undateable and worried so much about being lonely.

Then I took a step back and realised I only felt that way as I'd been in a relationship for a decade, and so being alone just felt so odd to me.

However, it's SO important to be alone, especially when you have been a part of a couple for so long. I could have easily jumped back into a relationship already, but I'm stopping myself from doing that right now.

I'm so excited to do all the things that I would never have done if I was still in a relationship. I'm so excited for all the new people I'm going to meet, that when you're in a relationship you just stop socialising as much and putting yourself out there. I'm excited to grow as a person and see the new person I'm going to be.

It really is about changing your mindset from one of a long time relationship and just start thinking about yourself. That will also then attract people to you because they'll see how amazing and happy you are and will be desperate to be a part of your life... ;)

[catrin]

You say you will give up affection and intimacy. But you also imply you don't have any in your marriage! When you leave a shit marriage, it doesn't mean you'll never find happiness again. Bit sometimes it means you make your own happiness rather than waiting to find someone to provide it.

[PhoenixMama]

Being single in your 40’s is awful. Read the dating thread. I get the nobody wants to be lonely in a relationship but being lonely single is just as bad, if not worse. I think if more people knew how bad the reality of being a lonely single parent was they’d work on their marriage more.

[TheStoic]

I think if more people knew how bad the reality of being a lonely single parent was they’d work on their marriage more.

Oh Christ I hope not. Too many women put up with awful, sub-standard men as it is.

I’m in a casual relationship, but I will never marry again and may not ever live with a man again. It is BLISS. The fleeting moments of loneliness are vastly outweighed by the sense of freedom and peace.

[Princesscharming]

Does anyone else share phoenixmamas thoughts? A single Mum friend of mine in her 40’s said the same!! This terrifies me! Me and h are separating because of his recent affair, ongoing depression and emotional/ sometimes physical abuse. Should I be working at this marriage!!?

[ScrabbleFiend]

Being single in your 40’s is awful.

WTF? No it's not. What an awful post. I've been a single parent for 10 years (it's not awful, I love it), lived without a man for longer and I've never felt lonely or unhappy. I cannot believe the shit some women will put up with the sake of a partner.

Should I be working at this marriage!!?

No! You can't fix an abuser, you can find peace and happiness alone though.

[FinallyHere]

Being lonely is no joke, but it is fixable. Being alone and lonely is a great platform for doing something about it.

Being lonely in a relationship grinds you down, so you start doubting yourself and thinking its 'not sooo bad' while he carefully adjusts his behaviour just enough to make your life less unpleasant, in order to prevent you from actually going. Seeing how carefully calculated his behaviour is, you will find the strength to get out and save yourself. All the best.

[rumred]

Violetcharlotte is spot on. We're so indoctrinated by the media and society we believe being part of a couple is the only way. It's not.
It's great being independent and happy. With good friends and somewhere lovely to live (I'm talking quality not money here) life is good.
Stop believing the hype - you're complete on your own

[VioletCharlotte]

Phoenix mama being single in your 40s really isn't awful at all! I'm happier and more confident now than I've ever been in my life. It may be awful if you're trying to meet someone and spending your time messaging people in OLD sites and going on endless dates, but if you stop doing all that it's pretty good.

I've got a great career and I'm studying so that I can progress. I go to the gym 5+ times a week. I've got fab friends who are always there if I need them. I can watch what I want in TV and I have the whole bed to myself (no smelly man, snoring next to me!) My DC are relaxed and happy and I can bring them up my way, with my rules.

I honestly don't have space for a man in my life.

[PhoenixMama]

I’ve been a single parent for 6 years. It’s been frustrating, lonely and unlike some people despite having a very good job I’m incredibly poor. My friends are all absorbed with their own children & with their happy families. When I’ve had a partner people have included Dd and I, when I haven’t we get forgotten. Maybe it’s a London thing but I’ve nearly been broken by how awful & lonely the last 6 years have been.

[PhoenixMama]

Princess (and everyone else) - obviously being single & lonely is better than being in any abusive relationship. No one should put up with abuse.

However, for people who are just unhappy in their relationships, or as the op said, they’ve grown apart, I think that there needs to be more consideration of the reality of how living on your own with dc actually is. I had no idea how much stress my exh’s attitude would create or how financially screwed I’d be.

For those of you who are happy & single - great, but it’s definitely not everyone’s experience.

[VioletCharlotte]

Phoenix mama
Sorry to hear this, doesn't sound like much fun at all. I guess if you're in an affluent, middle class area it probably is more difficult. Your friends don't sound great either, but jive to leave you out just because you don't have a partner.

[PhoenixMama]

VioletCharlotte - how old are your dc? I’d love to go to the gym 5 days a week but there is no way I have anything close to enough support to cover the time with my daughter. I drop her at school, race to work, work through my lunch break, race back to pick her up from after school club, do homework/dinner/bath/bedtime & then housework/chores & collapse!

[dizzy174]

my b got himself a dog because he enjoys walking. he is not so keen, however, that everyone wants to chat to him because of his dog! he is a happy contented loner:))

[VioletCharlotte]

Phoenix mine are teens so that does make it easier in some ways as I can do my own thing. However I do miss their company - I used to enjoy film nights on the sofa, cinema, going out for days, etc with them.

I never used to feel left out by my friends though. It's a real shame yours do this. Hopefully things will get easier for you once your DD gets older.

[userxx]

Phoenix - your friends don't sound like friends at all. How horrible. You should move up north :)

[Theoscargoesto]

2 things: my h of 28 years left me 3 years ago for OW. The fear of being alone and lonely was great at the time, and I don't know that I would have been brave enough to actively choose it. But I have a much nicer, more relaxed, less stressful life now, and it's full of nice friends, activity, interests.....and as the children are gone, I get to do what I like when I like how I like. It's great! In my view, it's better on my own than walking on eggshells, and contstantly negotiating through everyone else's needs, often ignoring my own.
That said, friends living near me, who knew me as half of a couple, who invited us over a fair bit, are always v sympathetic when I see them, v nice to my face, say 'you must come over' etc. And in 3 years I've been invited to one drinks party. I think that's a bit pants, really, and would never, have never, behaved that way, but I suspect there is a lot of it about. It doesn't matter, because I have new friends, and a lot of old friends who don't live near me and don't behave that way, but it is something I have observed.
I guess, OP, you plan for the worst, but you might be pleasantly surprised. I wouldn't have my old narrow life back now!