Overweight adult DD, do you seriously not buy them food? What to do?

[geordiekate]

Hi, looking for advice here. I have an almost 19 yo DD and a 22 yo son. Youngest is overweight. Likes her food and obviously quite frankly that's her decision, what the hell can I do about it? She uses her money to go out, etc.

She does live at home with me and occasionally has the cooked food which I suppose isn't always diet kind of food but just fine for an average meal. DH thinks we are being unfair oh and I got her a cookie when we were out we went into town and got DS one as he was out with us. DH thinks we shouldn't be encouraging unhealthy foods. She is an adult though and surely I can't buy lunch or whatever for DS and not her. Seems odd but would like to know if my husband is right.

[Ketzele]

She's an adult. She has to make her own choices.

Having said which, it would undoubtedly be easier for her if the whole family made healthier choices - so you could ask her if she'd like to join you in eating more healthily, and have less sugary stuff around the house. That would be supportive, if it's what she wants. But it has to be her choice.

[Ktown]

You will be doing her a kindness to change all your food habits.
Just buy healthy food and don't keep junk in the house.
Try not to think about it as losing weight but lifestyle change.
Weight isn't good for anyone and it is her choice but you shouldn't be facilitating her becoming more unhealthy.

[geordiekate]

But what if I want crisps and ice cream in the house?

[Userlavender]

@geordiekate that's up to you but if i had a fat dd i would make the sacrifice - no crisps etc in house. I don't have that stuff in my house ever and my children are not allowed junk because otherwise you get fat young adults and that is a road to misery and bad health. Sorry!

[tocas]

Echo what others have said - she is an adult making her own choices, fwiw though I find it much easier to stay healthy just by not having biscuits and sweets or crisps in the house so that may be helpful for her.

[geordiekate]

I wouldn't have an overweight child though, as you're right... However, she is now overweight as an adult... I assumed when your kids grow up, you're allowed to do what you like again (holidays alone etc).

[geordiekate]

She doesn't want to lose weight btw

[PurpleDaisies]

How overweight is she?

[geordiekate]

I have no idea what she weighs, but she's just overweight? Not so overweight she is too heavy for things, etc. just a bit overweight.

[roloisking]

DD (21) has recently put on quite a lot of weight. I have not mentioned it as I still get upset by the fact that my DM feels it is ok to make personal comments about my appearance. I have, however, ensured that there is healthy food in the house and have encourage her to join the gym. Last night, she brought up her weight of her own accord and said she had lost some weight (I now need to follow her example)

[Userlavender]

@geordiekate you're allowed to do whatever you want yes but: in my opinion, i don't give a fu_*k what age they are - still my kids and still would intervene for health reasons. Might be a hassle and inconvenient but you know, they are my children etc.

[RunningOutOfCharge]

The food is only part of the problem

What about exercise? Does she have a sport she enjoys?

[Ttbb]

Buying her cookies is enablement. Just don't do unhealthy things when you are with her in the same way as you wouldn't buy a drink for an alcoholic.

[Ellisandra]

I can't work out your OP.
Are you seriously saying you were in town with your 22yo son and bought him a cookie, and so you bought one for the overweight 19yo who wasn't there, too?

They're adults.
A 22yo shouldn't be asking mummy to buy him a biccie?
And a 19yo shouldn't be given one just as a default to make things fair - they're not 6!
If she wasn't there, you were crazy to buy one for her.
If she was there, you should have let her ask.
If she asked, I'd get it for her because you're not going to change any eating habits by making a thing of refusing her a cookie.

If you mainly cook for the whole family, start by making your meals healthier without making a song and dance over it. And yes, if my child was overweight to an extent that it was unhealthy, I wouldn't keep much particularly unhealthy food in the house.

[geordiekate]

So I was supposed to only buy my son one? Being overweight is very different to being an alcoholic... There are many people who drink a bit more than they should who aren't alcoholics.

[RunningOutOfCharge]

op said cookie not cookies

One cookie,fine..... but how is she going to burn it off? One cookie,she has a chance. Several, not so much

[geordiekate]

She was in town too.

[RunningOutOfCharge]

Why can’t we treat our adult children?

[Junglefowl]

This is difficult but I think I would lead by example alone and not even hint at you wanting her to lose weight as it will be awful for her and sounds unwanted. And also quite patronising to hold back offering her a cookie when her brother is having one, as if she is a child.
If you really care can't you just have an ice cream etc when you are out ? I am also a great believer in a normal, full fat diet so would be offering homecooked meals and plenty of filling stuff (e.g. full fat Greek yoghurt is a great pudding with banana, walnuts and honey and keeps us all full so no cravings).

[LovelyPrep]

you're encouraging the crap eating so you can't complain really. Where did she get bad eating habits from? Is she depressed or stressed? Uneducated about healthy eating?
You can eat what you want but it's a bit cruel to keep crap in the house when you know someone is struggling. Especially your own kid.

[geordiekate]

She isn't struggling? She likes her food and wants it

[RunningOutOfCharge]

Could you do something together?

My adult kids run with me, and DD’s used to go to boot camp with me too. Was fun

[Ellisandra]

I still don't understand your OP. Did she actually ask for a cookie after your son did?
If she did, I'd have bought it (and I think your husband is being unreasonable to expect you to police an individual cookie in public).
If you offered it, I think that was wrong. Sometimes we're not bothered about it until someone offers - so I wouldn't have enabled it.

Running of course we can treat adult children. I may have misunderstood the OP. If she was having a cookie and offered one to her adult son I don't find that odd at all. If her adult son said "mum will you get me a cookie?" then yeah, I find that odd. But your own cookie!

[RunningOutOfCharge]

It’s difficult. When I was that age we didn’t have such a social focus on food as there is these days

It’s hard to avoid doing anything social without food/drink playing a part. Off to the cinema with dd tonight and I’m popping into Tesco for some cherry tomatoes to sneak in with me instead of having chocolate/popcorn!!

[Ellisandra]

And if it was the OP having the cookie then offering one to the adult children, then I'm with her husband - if your child is unhealthy overweight, don't model eating (delicious) crap to them and don't put yourself in a position of putting it their way.