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Who is behaving badly here

(316 Posts)
SpotAGuillemot Fri 06-Oct-17 14:43:22

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

MinervaSaidThat Fri 06-Oct-17 15:00:00

He is being unreasonable.

Not telling you his plans and then acting surprised that you are going about your day without his help smacks of gas lighting/controlling behaviour.

He sounds awful.

OutComeTheWolves Fri 06-Oct-17 15:06:25

He's being unreasonable. I don't have depression and am not particularly isolated- I live in a large city near my friends and family. However on days when I'm at home, I always ask dh what time he's going to be home from work. That's because a) being on your own with kids all day is hard and I look forward to adult company and b) I need to know whether to put tea on for him or not.

I'd be really pissed off if for some reason he wouldn't tell me.

Santawontbelong Fri 06-Oct-17 15:08:57

He doesn't sound overly invested in being a df. .
Or a dh tbh.
You sound like a lp with a lodger that just goes about doing his own thing.

Gazelda Fri 06-Oct-17 15:10:53

I completely agree with what Santa said.

Coffeetasteslikeshit Fri 06-Oct-17 15:12:39

He's being unreasonable and I don't blame you for loving him a little bit less each time, this is the sort of behaviour that chips away at love.

This comment stuck out for me: 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.'

That sounds a bit strange and defensive, maybe? If DH said it to me I'd be really pissed off and probably reply with something like "how would I, let alone you, know that I don't want 'that', when you didn't even tell me that 'that' was an option?!".

Brahms3rdracket Fri 06-Oct-17 15:15:41

He's definitely being unreasonable and a shit, part time dad too.

He can't just pick up and drop family life like an accessory. If my dp has to work away, or late, he'll tell me as soon as he knows. It's not that i ask, or am controlling, but it's common decency and respect. Our kids would be really upset if they didn't know when or if he was coming home as he's an integral part of normal family life, yours doesn't seem to be.

Butterymuffin Fri 06-Oct-17 15:18:47

He's unreasonable. It's common courtesy to tell the person you live with what your general plans are in relation to whether you'll be able to do drop off / pick up / family meal etc. Why wouldn't you? Why does he feel he doesn't want to tell you perfectly mundane things that would make family life run more smoothly? Whatever the answer is to that it doesn't put him in a good light.

What does he say when you ask? That he doesn't know, or that he refuses to tell you?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 06-Oct-17 15:23:05

How on earth are you being controlling here?. He is being unreasonable to say the very least and he is also adding to your already depressed state.

Was the move to this rural area a mistake all told?.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this person who acts more like a lodger than a dad to his children or a husband to you. He is clearly not invested in any of you; you're the options rather than the priority.

SandyDenny Fri 06-Oct-17 15:24:10

Nobody with any type of decency would think it was reasonable not to tell their live in partner that they'd gone to a different country when the partner was expecting them home.

Have you asked him why he can't at least call you from the airport to let you know he needs to be away?

SandyDenny Fri 06-Oct-17 15:24:15

Nobody with any type of decency would think it was reasonable not to tell their live in partner that they'd gone to a different country when the partner was expecting them home.

Have you asked him why he can't at least call you from the airport to let you know he needs to be away?

Garlicansapphire Fri 06-Oct-17 15:27:14

He sounds terrible, like a very selfish teenager. I think anyone would find his behaviour unreasonable especially as he's a father and husband. He needs to step up to the plate or ship out (though he's doing the latter most of the time anyway).

rookiemere Fri 06-Oct-17 15:27:56

He sounds awful.

I read DH the riot act if he's not home by 6pm (usual home time) without telling me why, as I think it's only polite if I am cooking dinner.

Either he's doing it on purpose which is just horrible, or he's just so busy and important that he doesn't think to let you know, which isn't great either. If it's the latter, could he have a shared online calendar or something like that so you know if he's going to be in the UK/WFH.

scoobydoo1971 Fri 06-Oct-17 15:28:39

Your depression is probably not helped by lack of free time away from the kids. That is exhausting. I live in a rural area which is pretty isolating but I do some courses and attend events to get out there. We all need some 'me' time...just an hour or two per week is enough to restore sanity and self-identity. I work long hours and so does DH...long antisocial hours and we can go days without seeing each other. However, we have a schedule with regards to the kids as family life would not work for us if it wasn't planned around our career commitments. You have got to get tough with your partner. On his days at home then he should be helping out, and if he is not willing to then you need to organise child-care and get him to pay for it. The fact he doesn't want to help out is a huge red flag...mine texts me from work and offers to get kids from school and take out for the evening to give me space. I would be very concerned if he thought so little of me that he wasn't willing to assist in this way.

pog100 Fri 06-Oct-17 15:29:37

Just in case you want it from a different side, I worked while my wife was a SAHM for a few years and I think he is being utterly unreasonable. You should be a team bringing up your kids and earning the money to do so. He would not treat anyone on his work team like this, why the hell should be treat you this way? You need a deadly serious talk with him. I hope your line about loving him a bit less each time hits home. If it doesn't there is something seriously amiss with your relationship. Good luck.

OlennasWimple Fri 06-Oct-17 15:34:52

I'm struggling to see how knowing whether your DH is going to be home at night or in Sweden could ever be seen as controlling or nagging, TBH confused

Apart from anything else, this must be incredibly unsettling for your DC.

DH and I have a rule that any over night trips or events that are outside of our normal routine have to be put into the calendar (we send each other Outlook calendar invites so that it's visible to us both). We also put in things like sports day, parent/ teacher evening and doctors appointments - even if one us isn't going to be there, it's important that we know this stuff is going on in the family.

I get that unpredictable and frequently changing schedules mean that it's hard for DH to keep you fully up to date, but it's not hard to send a quick text from the airport lounge to say "had to fly to Sweden tonight, be back at the weekend"

Angelf1sh Fri 06-Oct-17 15:53:22

He is being completely unreasonable!! Yes I can see that he can't give you a to the minute ETA for everyday, but you aren't asking for that you're asking him to let you know if he's leaving the country ffs!! You are totally in the right here

I don't want to be one of those MNers but do you think he's telling you the truth about where he is? He's weirdly defensive about you having even a vague idea as to his whereabouts and is gaslighting you about it. Those are not good signs.

SpotAGuillemot Fri 06-Oct-17 17:46:53

Thank you all. It's reassuring to read tha it's not me being a nag. According to dh none of his colleagues wives are constantly asking for updates about where they are. But I'm not doing tha either. All I'm asking is for him to let me know when he'll be home. It fucks me off that he'll find out that he's going abroad at say 10am, I may speak to him in his lunch break and he won't mention it, then when I text at 11 (I never usually text pre 11pm unless he's said he'll be home earlier then hasn't turned up) and he'll let me know he's in Germany or somewhere.

I don't know if he's telling me the truth about his whereabouts angel. I don't really have any way of checking. I've never caught him lying about anything before so I just have to go with that. I'd like to think if there was someone else he'd tell me and not go behind my back.

TBH at this point I'm actually quite seriously considering leaving him over this. I've told him time and again how disrespectful I find this behaviour, that it just makes me feel such an unimportant part of his life. He just rolls his eyes and tells me that he'll let me know when he'll be back if it's such a big deal to me. He does it for a couple of days then just stops and then I'm nagging again.

SpotAGuillemot Fri 06-Oct-17 17:48:09

Sorry for all the 'tha's'. Not sure why my phone thinks it's more likely I want to write tha than that.

deepestdarkestperu Fri 06-Oct-17 17:50:04

Do you know he's where he says he is? I assume everything is paid for through work, but are you sure he's travelling for work and not with another woman?

His behaviour stinks of dishonesty and laziness.

Whocansay Fri 06-Oct-17 18:17:23

I would be incandescent with rage if my DH went on a business trip and couldn't be arsed to tell me.

You husband seems to be unaware he has a family. Or a wife. He's living as a bachelor. None of this is normal, OP. I don't give a shit what he says. No-one else does that.

He's just a cunt.

SandyDenny Fri 06-Oct-17 18:19:46

I'd fidn it very hard to believe that none of his colleagues tell their wives that they've left the country and the wives don't mind. That's really not likley to be the case, do you know any of these women?

Notreallyarsed Fri 06-Oct-17 18:23:14

OP he is being massively unreasonable. DPs job is similar in the sense of long unpredictable hours and short notice stay overs (not abroad but miles away). He ALWAYS tells me what his work involves as soon as he knows, because it’s hard enough to make plans as it is, if he wasn’t I’d have no chance.

Your H sounds very dismissive of you and your role in the family, and also disrespectful if he’s rolling his eyes and not telling you when he’s in a different country!

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 06-Oct-17 18:23:16

This sounds ridiculous! He just goes off to Sweden without a change of clothing or a toothbrush? He can't even send a text when he's at the airport, waiting hours for his flight?

Are you absolutely sure he's abroad and not some fantasist with another family? Have you ever called him at a foreign hotel? Is there actually any proof he's been abroad - foreign sweets, that sort of thing for the children?

Notreallyarsed Fri 06-Oct-17 18:23:48

If he didn’t not if he wasn’t. Bloody phone!

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