Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm not strong enough to stay, but not strong enough to walk away.

(33 Posts)
Strugglinglately Fri 06-Oct-17 14:16:27

I'm in a really messed up situation and as the title says. I'm not strong enough to stay but I'm not strong enough to walk away. My mental health is suffering.

The situation is so messed up its untrue. I know deep down its not right for me.

At the beginning I was probably what you call love bombed and promised a whole lot of things. Everything seemed to be going well. I thought I'd met someone lovely.

Then the truth started unravelling. It turned out he had an ex wife and three kids. The kids live with him. I thought okay I can cope with that. They also have a live in nanny.

Then all of a sudden he was unable to come visit me, I started doing all the travelling and visiting. If I didn't visit for a number of days I was the bad one.

Apparently his ex wife doesnt see the kids alot.. but he mentions she stays over when she does. They share the same bed when she does. Apparently she goes round just to eat food and sleep in his bed and doesnt see the kids.

Everything just seems to be a lie and messed up.

For example tonight the ex is going round to babysit so he can go on a night out with the nanny. He always has money to do that but last few times we've been out I've paid (he only recently got a new job and has been out of work for 6 weeks).

None of his family know about me. Its like I'm a secret.

The beauty is I'm off out tonight to a big black tie work event. At the moment I don't even want to go.

Its just insane how at the beginning he used to be so keen and message me all the time and want to meet up. Yet as time has gone on its got less and less and today he hasn't even text me since early on this morning yet hes been online on whatsapp.

Deep down I know I'm wasting my time but I somehow need to make sense of this situation. How does this all happen?

I sway between knowing the truth deep down but not being strong enough to call it off.

I'm so fed up.

TheSockGoblin Fri 06-Oct-17 14:30:21

His ex-wife (if her behaviour is to be believed) is going over there to eat his food, sleep in his bed not see the kids and wave him off to have a night out with the nanny?

Ermmmmm.

How does this happen? Some people are pathological liars and headfuckers. He could be still actively married. He could be sleeping with the nanny. it could all be BS.

You might never find out and trying to figure out the truth from someone who lies this month will not be a recipe for happiness.

Why don't you feel strong enough to tell him to do one?

TheSockGoblin Fri 06-Oct-17 14:31:06

month? much!

Hissy Fri 06-Oct-17 14:37:50

What do you want from this relationship?
Think really clearly and be utterly honest with yourself. this is your life, you get to write the script

Now... answer THESE questions:
Are you getting it?
Is there ever even the remotest chance you will ever get it?
will this man change?
will he ever be the partner you need him to be?
the partner you deserve?

WE all know the answer to these questions, do you? What's it going to take for you to be kind enough to yourself to tell yourself the truth?

Santawontbelong Fri 06-Oct-17 14:39:22

So he is shagging 3 women?
You can do better than that op. .

Strugglinglately Fri 06-Oct-17 14:42:55

My self esteem is clearly low. Usually I'd walk away from a situation like this.

Whys he such a head fuck

stitchglitched Fri 06-Oct-17 14:43:34

Are you sure he isn't still married? Maybe his wife works away. Don't take his word if you haven't seen the situation for yourself or met any of his family. Sounds more like you are in an affair to me.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Fri 06-Oct-17 14:59:47

So he can afford a live-in nanny but you had to pay for recent nights out? Six weeks out of work is water off a duck's back to someone with a live-in nanny. Have you met the nanny when you've gone over to his place? You sound like the OW I'm afraid.

If you love him so much that you can't leave him and prefer to subjugate yourself to living in the shadows then make peace with being picked up when he's got nothing better to do. Or do what I'd do. Delete his contact details and block his number. Go through the short term pain of no contact and get him out of your system.

Strugglinglately Fri 06-Oct-17 15:11:13

Ive been round to house many times and I've met the nanny. I've even been when the ex wife was there but she was in bed- thats a different situation altogether.

He told me she was okay coming in as she babysat the kids while we went out. I only went in for a drink then went home. Apparently she went mad the day after.

He's an arsehole isnt he?

Strugglinglately Fri 06-Oct-17 15:11:45

He lied to me that day saying she was okay with me coming in.

SparklyMagpie Fri 06-Oct-17 15:28:40

You hardly see him anyway so you might aswell walk away let alone all the other crap.

He's having you on OP

You deserve better!

ICESTAR Sat 07-Oct-17 12:19:56

Op you know what to do...

The reason you are feeling bad is because of him and him alone.

Just pull the plug. Be happy and be free.

The80sweregreat Sat 07-Oct-17 12:26:33

You really do not need this man in your life. He is messing you around and deserve a lot better.

category12 Sat 07-Oct-17 12:28:07

You can walk away. All you need to do is take your phone and block his number, delete him from your contacts everywhere, then go have a long bath and massive cry, call a friend and make some plans for something fun to do. Do that now.

Moanyoldcow Sat 07-Oct-17 12:35:43

You don't live together, you aren't financially entangled, you don't have kids.

This is an EASY break - text him to say you've had enough, block him and move on.

Do it now. You'll feel fantastic.

Littlelondoner Sat 07-Oct-17 16:09:16

Shes not the nanny shes his live in gf?

Sure hes not in an open relation ship or polyamorus or anything like that?

Strugglinglately Sat 07-Oct-17 19:38:40

I went out last night and had a great time... all until the hundred phone calls started begging for me to go see him. Which I didn't. I stayed out until around 3am and then went straight to bed. I didnt wake till around 3pm today.

I then declined to go see him tonight because I would be hungover and unable to drive. He went mad.

Apparently I'm too busy for him lately and hardly made the effort to see him. I went once the other night. Other times I've been working and had other stuff going on.

This followed on with a load of shit from him. He's making out hes the victim in all this and I'm to blame for it not working.

I've deleted his messages, his number and everything that reminds me of us.

Theres no relief just yet, I'm feeling very angry and frustrated but I know it will be there soon. I just need to carry on and be strong.

I have my own life to lead. I need to get my bipolar under control. I'm off medication. I'm not coping well.

I've withdrawn from all my friends. Its just myself, my mum and my own little one from now on.

Strugglinglately Sat 07-Oct-17 19:39:53

This is the last text I recieved.

"Ok, well I'm sorry. You know that's not what I wanted and that I love you. And your basically saying you would be better off without me anyway x"

There's nothing I can even reply to that.

Strugglinglately Sat 07-Oct-17 19:41:16

Followed just now by this

" Your just really not thoughtful and like a child sometimes "

Laughable.

girlingerrupting Sat 07-Oct-17 19:46:40

Oh dear that all sounds a bit nuts. You need to go back on your meds OP. You know yourself it will be very hard to consistently do anything properly without them.
Just ignore him enjoy your own life he's totally weird if you ask me.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 07-Oct-17 19:48:02

I need to get my bipolar under control. I'm off medication. I'm not coping well.

Have you got meds? I’m quite experienced with this and I know some people cope with being unmedicated well, but most, if not all, occasionally need medical help to stay stable.

You’ll do well to get out of this chaos; so stand by that decision. Don’t cut your friends off, though. And be very wary that whilst you’re spiralling and unmedicated, you may be prone to bad decisions, chaos and drama.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 07-Oct-17 19:53:14

Hilarious. He's accusing you of being like a child and he can't even spell properly. Do not respond "You're not your. Learn to spell." however tempting it might be.

Strugglinglately Sat 07-Oct-17 21:13:36

AnchorDownDeepBreath

I have meds, several of them. I just dont know which ones to take anymore or which to restart.

Ive had another message that is all woe is me and a missed call. Must stay strong.

Strugglinglately Sat 07-Oct-17 21:16:19

"And it's me who's the one on my own and sad, so I do feel like I'm the victim here. Your the one that plays up on all your medical history when we fall out. I never say anything bad about you as a person, just that you make my life bad and negative. I love you as a person though and you do know that everything you say I'd rubbish and not true and you know that."

Strugglinglately Sat 07-Oct-17 21:21:16

That message was in relation to me saying I cant do it anymore it's affecting my mental health. I'm definately better off.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now