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Leaving my partner: anxious, frightened, can't stop crying

(23 Posts)
Iris65 Fri 06-Oct-17 13:56:51

Long story short my partner is emotionally abusive. After a discussion on Wednesday I realised that for the sake of my health and sanity I have to leave.
We have just moved into a house that he bought - he now tells me the reason he didn't want me to share the purchase was so that he had control and could 'kick me out' whenever he wanted. At the time he told me it was because he thought I should keep my capital so that I would be financially independent of him, but it was our home and I shouldn't worry. I spent a lot of money on furniture, decor, moving expenses because all of his capital was purchasing the house.
I have recently been made redundant so I am without any income. I have some capital from my divorce and my redundancy but it is nowhere enough to buy anywhere. As well as being jobless I have serious, long term health problems which make it difficult to work or even to get a job. I am in my mid 50s too which makes it even harder.
So I am jobless, homeless and facing heart surgery in the next couple of months. I have posted elsewhere about the horrendous last four years I have had.
On top of all of this I have to leave my lovely cat behind as you can't take pets into a rental - which is all I can afford.
I spent two days in bed crying. I keep having anxiety attacks and breaking down in tears. I am exhausted. I am suicidal.
There is no point in seeing a Dr or seeking help because the problems are practical not emotional. If I tell them how I really feel they will hospitalise me which will do more harm than good.
Please someone tell me how to get through this and that it will get better.

TheDizzyRascal Fri 06-Oct-17 14:27:18

You poor thing, what an awful time for you. I would say DEFINITELY go to your GP, they can help in many different ways and advise you on where to go for the correct help, its a starting point anyway! Can you try citizens advice, your local council?? Make some appointments and start talking to people, there'll be some advice and contacts that they can give you. I know this isn't a great help but thought it would bump the post for you so other posters can help you further - good luck! x

Blackkitten Fri 06-Oct-17 14:39:30

Iris oh what a horrible thing to happen, for what it is worth you are well shot of him, he sounds like a nasty piece of work. I to 2nd going to the GP, if you need to help to get over the next few months so be it, I have been there. I will get better I promise, be kind to yourself . oh and I am sure there will be rentals that will allow a moggy. He also needs to repay you.

Funko Fri 06-Oct-17 15:19:41

flowers for you

I can’t offer much advice, but if of were me, I would keep my head down, get a rental quietly ASAP and arrange a day when he’s out and work and get movers in to take every piece of furniture you have purchased with you!

What an arse

Blackkitten Fri 06-Oct-17 15:21:21

And the cat

Iris65 Fri 06-Oct-17 16:05:08

Thank you. I hadn't thought of taking the furniture. I'm going to look hard for somewhere that will let me take my cat.

Funko Fri 06-Oct-17 16:16:32

Seriously, almost every rental will advertise as no pets. You need to speak to them and ask if the owner will allow your cat. You may have to pay an extra £100 as security deposit but most places will let you.

MiniTheMinx Fri 06-Oct-17 16:32:37

There is every reason to tell you GP all of this. Every reason. Depending on how vulnerable you are financially, emotionally and in terms of physical health you may find you are entitled to some help, either housing, housing benefit.

Has he actually said you must go? Would he write a letter to that effect? I'm assuming you have enough money for a deposit, but without income you will find it difficult to get a rental property, they may even ask for a guarantor.

butterfly56 Fri 06-Oct-17 16:49:37

Look at housing associations. I live in an over 50's ground floor apartment in the North West of England. Got it due to leaving abusive exh and health problems in similar circumstances.
You are allowed small pets(cat or small dog) in this scheme.

You health issues and circumstances would put you in a good position to apply.
The Housing Association I am with is called Accent Housing.

user1480334601 Fri 06-Oct-17 19:47:25

I think you should maybe see your doctor. I was having extreme anxiety and panic attacks and doctor put me on citalopram. I felt the effects within two days and it has made my anxious thoughts feel manageable. Flowers for you xx

RandomMess Fri 06-Oct-17 19:53:43

More practical ideas - shared ownership on a flat???

Iris65 Fri 06-Oct-17 23:42:36

I hadn't thought of a housing association. I am so used to managing and not asking for things the idea of approaching organisations and applying for benefits hadn't occurred to me.

SandyY2K Sat 07-Oct-17 07:28:30

You can get the cat fostered in the meanwhile. What a horrible man he is.

You're better off out of there.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 07-Oct-17 07:33:10

You can go to the council and explain why you are homeless.

You can get every last piece of furniture you bought and remove it

You can ask him for fees back that you paid towards the house.

Tell him you have proof you paid and will get a charge against his property if he refuses to give you at least something back

You can take your cat to your council house

Cat fostering is a good idea

Do not let this emotionally abusive prick pull you down - you are worth more than that.

EasyToEatTiger Sat 07-Oct-17 09:09:08

The RSPCA have a foster programme for pets for women escaping domestic abuse. So does The Dogs' Trust. It's all so complicated. I am thinking of getting a caravan and moving into that while the rest gets sorted out.

NoToast Sat 07-Oct-17 09:43:09

I heard the Cats Protection League were trialling a cat fostering scheme for people escaping domestic abuse. It may not have started in your area but they may be able to offer advice.

flowers I'm sorry you're going through this, a better, happier life is waiting for you, just need to get through this hard bit.

I think you need to talk to your doctor about your situation and about the surgery to see how you can get cared for.

Iris65 Sat 07-Oct-17 10:49:28

@EasyToEatTiger
I thought about a caravan too.

Blackkitten Sat 07-Oct-17 12:29:25

Nothing wrong with a caravan, can have a cat there. How are you feeling today iris ?

One2another Sat 07-Oct-17 12:44:33

Please do make plans to leave. Take the bull by the horns and do something about this situation

I know how you feel. I have two children who were both just under 10 at the time this happened to me. I left an emotionally and physically abusive ex husband with barely and family or friends to support me, I had two black eyes and a broken nose, not a possession to my name as he’d destroyed all my things. I’d had to leave my job due the stress he was putting me under.
Two years on I have my own local authority house, my kids are happy and stable and the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life.
Even the thought of all the hard work I had ahead of me each day I would just think how lucky I was not to be with this man and all the unhappy times I had would make me feel instantly better.
Please do this you’re only here once life is for living, you will be much happier away from him.
All the posters above have put some fantastic ideas, and sometimes these things are so obviously but you won’t see them with the way you are feeling.
One thing that is worthwhile is going to the local council as it’s not just housing but do offer other practical methods of support. For example my local council offered storage for a small fee for all the furniture I salvaged from my home, that was a big worry for me that vanished in a single phone call. You’ll never know if you don’t ask.

Best of luck to you flowers

Iris65 Mon 09-Oct-17 10:38:30

Thank you. A close friend has offered me a room to rent in their home. I can take my cat too. They are supportive and have said that they will provide a rent book and a letter saying that it is temporary so that I can go to a housing association. They are quite clued up. Which is just as well as I can't think straight. Just need to get organised and try and get the money I've spent back of my ex. I also lent him £10k to buy the house so that he didn't have to close an ISA of his. He says he'll pay me back when he's got it. I know that he actually has it and have told him to no avail.
He's an abusive bastard he actually told me that I shouldn't conside my son when considering suicide because he will get over it. Poisonous.

Blackkitten Mon 09-Oct-17 10:52:51

Iris that is such great news. Nice you will have company soon. Can't really advise what you can do about the money. Does he own anything of value you can sell? Make sure you take everything that is yours. So sorry to hear about your son, hope he is ok now

Iris65 Mon 09-Oct-17 20:31:17

Thanks @Blackkitten.
I can't belive how lucky I am that my friend has stepped up. My son is getting some help now (he was suicidal too). What my ex actually meant was that I shouldn't worry about killing myself because my son would get over it.

debbs77 Mon 09-Oct-17 20:42:05

Great about your friend!

And a caravan is a great idea! I think you can occupy them for 50 weeks a year if you're thinking of one in a holiday let type place

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