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How can I get my DH to talk to me? (long)(2 Posts)
My DH has never been a big sharer of his feelings etc but I have usually been able to get him to tell me what has been going on and how he feels, but recently he seems so shut down and I don't know what to do.
Background (may have triggering issues for some)
DH was abused by his parents until his mid teens
We have been together 9 years but he went home to another country for a few months while I was pregnant with DC1
While he was home he had an affair and his parents encouraged it by inviting her over/leaving them alone etc (I know this was DHs choice to cheat but I have forgiven him and knowing about his parents, I can see how he feels almost powerless around them to be normal and not be controlled)
He came back to UK before birth of DC1 and he told me everything
We got married and moved to his home country (well away from his family)
He went essentially NC with his parents, they blamed me but I have always told him it is his choice to contact his family or not but me and the the children will never be in contact with them and he agreed
Every now and then he calls his parents to check in (maybe once a year)
I have always asked him to let me know when he is in contact with them as I don't want any surprises. I don't judge but I won't be left in the dark
Last year he went to UK for a family wedding with DC2. His parents were not going to be there so no worries and I always got on with UK family. WHile he was there his grandfather died and obviously DHs parents made the trip to UK then. A couple of days ago DHs grandmother died.
Recently DH has also started police proceedings against his parents for his childhood. I have supported this and all his decisions.
Now, here is where DH has stopped communicating...
He didn't tell me that the police have closed the case against DHs parents because DH didn't get back to the officer in time to give the proceedings the go ahead. DH can reopen the case at any point. But DH didn't tell me until I specifically asked if he had heard from the police officer.
When DH heard about his grandmothers death, he was sent a text , read it to me said 'huh' and carried on with his evening out with friends as planned.
I have tried to ask him how he is feeling, if I can do anything for him and what the plans are etc.
I just want to help him through all of his past and issues and it is killing me that he cuts me out.
I have also had a number of miscarriages over the last couple of years and he is so lacking in emotion about them that I have felt I have to keep all of my emotion in check in case I am being over emotional if you know what I mean.
DH is seeing a counsellor and had to write an essay on his past and how he feels etc. He asked me to read it and it covered everything from his past but I was so hurt that he credits his successes over the last 9 years to his job improvements and his general growth as a person but at no point does he even mention he is married or that I have helped him confront and deal with some of his demons. It really does hurt but I still want to help him deal with everything and move on properly.
Can anyone help me on where to start with getting him to talk to me?
He is massively ducked up and is seeing a counsellor. Let him do his talking there for now, what's he's lived through is huge. I think you need to swallow your pride here.
Let him come to his own conclusions about what has helped him, you're not dealing with someone who has learned to think logically and it may be that ultimately he can't give you the emotional intimacy that you crave.
Carry on being there for him whilst he's in treatment if you can then see how things are down the line.
It may be that he's never able to give you what you want and you'll have to decide if you want to stay with him or the counselling etc might really help and he's going to change.
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